Some time ago, I was married for around 3 years, during which I was harassed by my then in-laws and husband, as he would frequently slap me. My in-laws often taunted me about my family, and my sister-in-law would backbite and create distance between me and my husband.
I gave birth to a baby girl. My husband never listened to me, and left us when my daughter was 3 months old. From that day onward I struggled alone to raise her, as he went abroad and never contacted us. He came back after 2 years now, and despite me begging him to stay with us, he left again.
I pray my obligatory prayers, give zakat, and never broke anybody’s heart. I was true and loyal to my husband, but he’s always had interest in money and other women. After finding out about his dirty habits my heart broke, especially since he doesn’t pay attention to our daughter.
It’s been over 2 years and a half now, and I’ve lost hope. I pray to Allah for justice, but I feel hopeless and unable to do anything. I feel like I want to die. Why is it that despite all the good I do, all I get back is sorrow and struggle? I pray to Allah to kill us.
Was it my mistake to give birth to a girl? What’s my daughter's fault in all of this? Is it our fate to struggle like this? I don’t have money to buy her bakrid cloths too... We struggle like this, yet he is living his life happily. I don’t want to keep living like this and I don’t know what to do.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• These tests and trials you are going through will make you stronger, sister. Remember that Allah does not burden us more than we can bear.
• Under most circumstances, I would advise that you try to save the marriage, but in this instance, I advise you to seek a divorce.
• Let your family know what’s going on.
• Reach out to the community social services in your area. I kindly suggest in shaa’ Allah that you look into what financial and housing services may be available.
• Get counseling as soon as possible on a regular basis
• Get involved with your local mosque.
Assalamu alaykum sister,
I am so sorry to hear about the abuse you are going through. It is appalling and disgusting. As I understand your situation, you have been married for three years during which your husband has abused you and abandoned you and your daughter.
Abusive Husband
During your marriage, your husband has hit you frequently, your in-laws have taunted you about your family, your sister-in-law slandered you, and your husband never listened to you. This is the definition of an abusive husband and in-laws.
It is not only physical abuse from your husband but also mental and emotional abuse from him and his family. They have no right to treat you in such away.
Love within a Marriage
When a woman gets married, her husband and his family are to treat her with kindness, love, and mercy.
In your case, your husband went abroad when your daughter was three months old and left you both while you struggled to raise her alone. He never even contacted you through these years, but even then you begged him to come back.
In addition to being abusive, your husband also broke your heart by having more interest in money and haram behaviors with other females.
Sister, I can imagine that hurt very much and I am so sorry that this has happened to you. However, looking at how he treats you and how negligent and abusive he is, perhaps you would be better off if he didn’t come back.
Knowing Your Worth
I hope that you understand, sister, that you are a beautiful young Muslim who loves Allah and you do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve to be treated with kindness, love, and respect.
You deserve a Muslim husband who truly follows Islamic values and serves Allah. A husband such as this would not abuse nor leave you.
He would treat you very well, as he should. In shaa’ Allah sister, I hope that you realize your value and worth.
Your husband doesn’t deserve someone as wonderful as you. Sister, I understand all of the good traits that you have and all the love that you have in your heart.
I see through your question that you are a very good Muslim and you love Allah very much.
These tests and trials you are going through will make you stronger, sister. Remember that Allah does not burden us more than we can bear.
You and Your Child Are a Blessing
Please do not ask yourself if it is a mistake that you gave birth to a girl. Your daughter is a blessing from Allah.
Please do not pray to Allah to kill you or your daughter as that is a horrendous thought. You are both precious in the sight of Allah.
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Allah loves you both very much. It is quite possible that Allah gave you this precious baby daughter as a strength. Not only is she a gift, but you are as well. It is not your fault, nor your daughter’s, that your husband is a bad person.
Blessings from Pain and Hurt
When choosing marriage partners, sister, we often make mistakes in our choices. It was just a bad decision.
However, this decision can be reversed. Under most circumstances, I would advise that you try to save the marriage, but in this instance, I advise you to seek a divorce.
Your husband has not been with you, he’s been abusive, and he’s basically abandoned you.
You deserve so much better than this, and in shaa’ Allah, when you get through this test and trial, Allah will bless you with a very good husband.
Reach Out to Others
Sister, I kindly suggest that you let your family know what’s going on. If they are not in the area or if they are not supportive, please reach out to the community social services in your area.
I kindly suggest in shaa’ Allah that you look into what financial and housing services may be available.
I also kindly suggest that you get counseling as soon as possible on a regular basis to help you through this most difficult time.
You have been through much trauma and you will need the support, guidance, and healing that counseling can provide in shaa’ Allah.
I also kindly suggest that you get involved with your local Masjid if you are comfortable there.
Try to get out and socialize with other Muslim sisters. They can provide a great amount of love and support as well as create lifelong friendships.
You Are Not Alone
You don’t have to go through this alone. Allah loves you and there are people within the Islamic community who would be so eager to help you out in this situation.
Our ummah is supposed to protect one another and take care of each other. Please seek out the love that is within the ummah.
In some cities, there are support groups for Muslim women who are experiencing abusive marriages. Please do find out if there is one in your area.
Actions for a Better Life
I pray, sister, that you get the courage to leave the situation. You have a wonderful life ahead of you and so does your daughter.
You both deserve a good life. Things can change for the better, but we must take the first steps in making it happen. I am confident that you can.
Reach out to your family to see if they can help and check out the community social services available in your area for financial supports in regards to getting an apartment, food, clothing, and other needs for your daughter.
Try to get to the Masjid for prayers, as well as maintaining or creating new friendships with the sisters for support. If you ever feel like harming yourself, sister, please call AASRA or one of these numbers based on your location.
I pray that you do not feel this way because you are precious in the sight of Allah and loved by many in your life.
Your husband is NOT worth dying over. As you know, Allah created both you and your daughter and it is a sin to destroy Allah’s creations. Allah wants you to live, never doubt His love and mercy.
He has a purpose and plan for you and your daughter. You never know what beautiful life awaits you.
You just have to get the strength to make moves and change your situation. I am confident you can and will do so, in shaa’ Allah. This is not the end of the world sister, it is a start to healing and living the truly beautiful life that you deserve.
There are many sisters who are in your situation, sadly. However, they do get through it and live wonderful lives, and you will too.
You are in my prayers, please let us know how you are doing.
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