He has done this for 30 years of our marriage. He won't pay for food or clothes for us. I spend all the benefits I get, but it's never enough, and I am now in debt. He has not allowed me to work for 30 years, what shall I do? I now feel suicidal, help!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
As you stated you “feel suicidal”, I ask you to please seek out counseling as soon as possible. In fact, please discuss these feelings with a close family member or friend and/or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline in your area.
I kindly suggest you speak to your husband when you are feeling stable,and when things are calm to discuss changing the financial situation. Approach him with love, concern, yet with a knowledge of your rights.
If he refuses, you can use your benefits to separate for a while. You can file for divorce and include alimony payments.
Start going to the Masjid more, connect with sisters, increase your social life, and regain a balance by practicing self-care.
As salamu alaykum sister,
Based on what you have discussed, I can imagine this has been a very long 30 years filled with hurt, doubts, hardship, and anguish. As a Muslima, your rights as a wife have been ignored for way too long.
So long in fact that perhaps your husband no longer sees how unfair this is to you and the children nor the violation he is committing against his own soul by not providing for his wife and children.
30 Years of No Support
Sister, 30 years is a long time to be married with no support from your husband. I am not sure what methods or actions you took early on in the marriage to rectify this, but apparently, it has become a way of life. It may be a way of life you never wanted nor agreed to, but one in which your husband has obviously been successful. However, at this point, it is becoming dangerous for your mental health. You cannot ignore this problem any longer.
Mental Health and Suicide Ideation
Sister, I am very concerned about you and your mental health. As you stated you “feel suicidal”, I ask you to please seek out counseling as soon as possible. In fact, please discuss these feelings with a close family member or friend and/or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline in your area.
Please make a promise to yourself (and think about your children) that you will not harm yourself. Nothing is worth taking your life, not your husband, not money. Nothing! This will be resolved and you will have a new outlook on life.
Sister, I can understand your despair, it has been going on for 30 years. You must be so tired of all of this; however, there is a way out and it is not death. It is in remaining strong as you have been and making choices that will free you from this.
Pray to Allah to grant you ease, and give you the strength to call or seek out counseling now. This day can be the beginning of fixing this situation and living a happy, and joy-filled life.
Changing the Financials
Sister, as you know when married it is the husband’s Islamic responsibility to support his wife, children, and home. Why this never happened or was insisted upon, I do not know. At any rate, you are at the point wherein you cannot carry this any longer, nor should you.
Being your mental health (and indebtedness) is at high risk, I kindly suggest you speak to your husband when you are feeling stable, and when things are calm to discuss changing the financial situation.
When You Do Talk with Husband
Sister, insha’Allah approach him with love, concern, yet with a knowledge of your rights. As this has been going on for 30 years, he may feel you are not serious. I kindly suggest you provide him the proofs from the Qur’an of his financial responsibilities as well as proof that you are serious and will take other needed measures to resolve this if need be.
This may be in the form of recommended marriage counselors, an appointment with your imam for Islamic financial counseling/advice, a separation agreement (until and if he decides to be financially responsible), and so forth.
The goal of speaking to your husband again is not to anger him, not to argue, but to discuss an issue that has been longstanding, harmful, unIslamic, and now is affecting your mental health and indebtedness. Peaceful understanding and resolution is the goal.
Should Your Husband Still Refuse to Support You
Sister, if after talking with your husband he still refuses to support you and the children, you do have options. As described above, you can use your benefits to separate for a while. You can file for divorce and include alimony payments.
You can go stay with your family if they are available. You can stay with him accepting his haram ways, but begin to seek out a career or job you would be happy and fulfilled in despite his saying you cannot work. Yes, we are to please our husbands, however, women are able and “allowed” to work especially if she needs to for the preservation of their family—and her mental health.
A New Beginning
Sister, THIS is the beginning of your blossoming out, finding yourself and your freedom. Look at this time as a wake-up call to a different and better life for you and your children.
Start going to the Masjid more, connect with sisters, increase your social life, and regain a balance by practicing self-care such as joining a gym, taking walks in nature, learning stress reduction techniques, or learning a new hobby.
Conclusion
Sister, please take the time to stabilize your mental health. Insha’Allah talk to someone close to you about your feelings of suicide or call the National Hotline in your area. Make an appointment with a counselor as soon as possible.
When you feel you are stable, have a talk with your husband about how things need to change if moving forward with your marriage.
If you are not going to move forward with him—plan for an exciting and joyful future. There are rough spots in everything we do, but change can bring joy and peace of mind. Make a list of self-care activities to engage in to sustain you spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally moving forward.
Whatever the outcome, know it is your time to bloom like a flower—as Allah intended. Stay close to Allah and know He loves you and will guide you in this journey.
We wish you the best.
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