Answer

Monique Hassan

17 February, 2020

In this counseling answer:

It is not a taboo topic.  The Prophet Mohamed (PBUH) engaged in sexual discussions, but it was done modestly and with respect.

Regarding anal sex form an Islamic perspective, please contact our Ask the Scholar section.

You are both new to marriage, so it’ll take time to develop deep trust and understanding.

There is nothing wrong with you and your husband experimenting sexually and trying new things.

Don’t be shy to talk to your husband openly about sexuality.

Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatu,

Thank you for trusting us with this private concern. It is my understanding that you are happily married to a man that you report as good and loving, but he has an affinity for anal sex and has been pressuring you to perform this whenever you make love.

To begin, it is not a taboo to talk about such topics, sister, and you do not need to apologize for that.

The Prophet Mohamed (PBUH) engaged in sexual discussions, but it was done modestly and with respect. It is good that you reached out early to seek advice on this topic instead of letting it grow.

Dear Sister, please take comfort in knowing that you can solve this, in shaa’ Allah, and provide your husband a lot of pleasure without performing anal sex.

I am not a scholar so I will not dive heavily into rulings, but you are welcome to show your husband this link from the fatwa section.

We need to talk about your concerns regarding prostitutes and pleasing your husband. Sister, the way you describe your husband makes him seem to be good-mannered and otherwise makes you happy.

I highly doubt a husband who shows such love and affection for his wife would go out and cheat on her.

You are both new to marriage, so it’ll take time to develop deep trust and understanding, but, in shaa’ Allah, this isn’t a concern to worry over.

I assure you that you can please him sexually even more than you already have without performing anal sex, and you can also increase your own pleasure.

Why?

Your husband has developed a liking for anal sex, but if you dig deeper into why he likes this, you can find other sexual acts to please him as well as yourself.

For example, he might like the idea of doing something which feels naughty or taboo, or perhaps he has a liking for your behind.

Here are some ideas to work with, sister, so play around with them and experiment. There is nothing wrong with you and your husband experimenting sexually and trying new things. 

Here are some sexual acts which you can initiate with your husband that are not haram and could provide him a feeling of taboo or being naughty.

To initiate arousal, the both of you can take turns masturbating the other or doing it simultaneously. This can create a sort of teasing effect and delay actual intercourse.

This is also something you can do to him while on your menses if he struggles to maintain himself during this time, since intercourse while on menses is not permitted.

You can both experiment with oral sex, if both of you are willing and want to try it. In some cultures, this is seen as very taboo, so it could satisfy those urges for him in a halal manner.

Please be aware that some Muslims are strictly against this act and regard it as impure, however, that is not the opinion of everyone, and it is not haram. So, you are both free to try this.

You can utilize permissible toys such as blindfolding him and taking charge, thus creating a power exchange. This can feel naughty and exciting for some.

While anal intercourse is forbidden, you can try different sexual positions from behind which provide him with a view of this area.

Talk to your husband about the g-spot as well as clitoral stimulation for women. Many men feel a great sense of satisfaction when they are able to please their wives.

However, it is not as easy for a woman to reach climax as it is for a man. Most women cannot achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone.

I suggest the book “A taste of Honey: Sexuality and Erotology in Islam”. It will explain a lot of these techniques as well as others in a tutorial fashion with deeper explanations and ideas.

Communication

Sister, don’t be shy to talk to your husband openly about sexuality. Ask him what fantasies he has and let him know yours.

The more the both of you communicate openly about your desires, the more you will feel comfortable exploring fantasies.

Intimacy is a great way to build trust in a relationship as it often requires feeling vulnerable, and that vulnerability is rewarded with physical pleasure.

Remember, making love is more than just physical pleasure. It is emotional bonding, building trust, relieving stress and creates a special moment that is just for you two. 

Please talk to your husband about your feelings regarding anal sex. Showing him a hadith is not showing him your emotions.

Tell him how this makes you feel and that you agreed to it because you were worried he wouldn’t be pleased and might look for someone else.

Let him know that you did not want to engage in this, and that it is causing you negative feelings surrounding sexuality.

This will actually hurt your sexual health in the future if you keep associated negativity/forced actions with sexuality instead of pleasure and happiness.

Check out this counseling video:

Talk to him openly using ‘I-statements’. An ‘I-statement’ would be something like “I felt sad and forced to engage in anal sex because I want to please you, but it hurt my feelings” instead of “You make me feel bad when we have anal penetration”. Both statements convey the same idea, but one is gentler.

Final Thoughts

Moving forward, here is a summary of your 4 steps towards solving your concern.

1. Communicate openly and honestly about your feelings regarding anal penetration
2. Communicate openly about your own sexual desires and ask him to share his
3. Experiment using various sexual techniques to find new ways of arousal and pleasure that please both of you
4. Talk to him about helping you reach climax utilizing clitoral as well as g-spot stimulation and consider the above-mentioned book to better explain how he can do this

In shaa’ Allah, sister, this will not be so difficult for you to solve with your husband. He may enjoy trying new things with you and reading about techniques he can experiment with. Sexuality is a gift between spouses.

May Allah (most honored and revered) help you both avoid what is forbidden and find greater enjoyment in what is permitted,

Ameen. 

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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