He always threatened me to divorce me if I don't say yes that I did this or that. He shows me pictures of that guy and whenever he asks me to do something that I don't want to do, he refers to other guy saying that I still love him. He always underestimates me and says that he regrets marrying me. He does not help with the expenses except if I get down to zero on my account. He still is in contact with his ex and he has an apartment rented under both his and her name. He goes there to do his business and stays in the same apartment.
Please, advise as I don’t think this is a healthy marriage. I am so depressed and not sure what I should do.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
The greatest fear you have isn’t truly in being divorced. The greatest fear is that you are worthy of far greater than what you are receiving.
You do not need to prove anything to a man who would treat you in such an undignified manner.
Please consider speaking with a relationship counselor or therapist who can support you in dealing with the situation in your marriage.
The fact that he is threatening to divorce you constantly when you don’t obey his threats is also emotionally abusive.
I want to help you overcome the fear of being divorced as the worst thing that could possibly happen to you.
Salam ‘Aleikom,
Thank you for your question and reaching out for some support. I hope this is just the beginning of you reaching for your own well-being and not the end.
Past
Your husband does not have a right to dig into your past whether you were ever intimate with another man or not. Your past is a closed book and is only between you and Allah. Anything in your past is dealt with by making taubah to Allah and then living your life in the most upright manner possible.
It was narrated by Abu Hurairah that the Prophet said:
“If you were to commit sin until your sins reach the heaven, then you were to repent, your repentance would be accepted.” (Ibn Majah)
It’s is extremely unfortunate that he has made the poor choice to look up the individual who is from that past and go as far as to speak to him. Your husband’s job is to protect your honor and instead he has invited another individual to disgrace your honor even further with exaggerations and lies.
Accusations
The following hadith addresses many of your concerns. This is applicable to one’s “Muslim brother” or one’s spouse, one’s child, one’s friend, etc.
‘Abd Allah b. Umar reported the Prophet as saying:
“A Muslim is a Muslim’s brother: he does not wrong him or abandon him. If anyone cares for his brother’s need, Allah will care for his need; if anyone removes a Muslim’s anxiety, Allah will remove from him, on account of it, one of the anxieties of the Day of resurrection; and if anyone conceals a Muslim’s fault, Allah will conceive his fault on the Day of Resurrection.” (Abi Dawud)
The first point I want to make is that whether anything that individual had to say about you was true or no, it was wrong for him to go digging into your past and try to extrapolate information about you.
I am really troubled to read that he also brings up things he assumes you did with the other gentlemen in an attempt to get you to do, and going out on a limb here with an assumption, things sexual in nature that you are uncomfortable with so as to prove your “loyalty” to him.
Manipulation
Even if it’s not referencing sex in any way it’s still an extreme form of manipulation and emotional abuse, I implore you to not put up with it any longer.
You do not need to prove anything to a man who would treat you in such an undignified manner.
The fact that he is threatening to divorce you constantly when you don’t obey his threats is also emotionally abusive.
He has discovered that by saying this it touches upon one of your personal weaknesses, which is fearing you’ll be divorced. So, he continues to use this to maintain the upper hand in the relationship. It seems that up until now it has worked.
Fear of divorce
I want to help you overcome the fear of being divorced as the worst thing that could possibly happen to you.
I ask you to consider what the purpose your marriage serves if you are consistently being belittled, threatened, taunted with your past, not financially provided for, emotionally safe, or living in a spiritually nourishing environment.
What will holding on to the title of “married” cost you if you stay?
Do you think if anyone, your friends or family, knew how bad your situation was they would want you to stay with this man? Anyone who loves and cares about you would not want you to be mistreated another minute.
The greatest fear you have isn’t truly in being divorced. The greatest fear is that you are worthy of far greater than what you are receiving. However, to lead with such confidence and seek out a better life for yourself would mean having to accept you can take care of yourself without a man by your side and that you won’t die of loneliness.
And you already are doing just that. The man by your side or previously didn’t take care of you at all. You did all that. And you are lonely – you just aren’t alone. Being alone and feeling lonely are two entirely different things.
You are depressed and miserable now and at the rate, things are going it is likely to continue to get worse.
Check out this counseling video:
I want to inspire you to turn things around and take charge of your life. Stop letting people who don’t honor your soul and being to control you.
Inspiration
I’d like to share with you one of my favorite quotes that I hope speaks to you in some way the way it does for me.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – (Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles)
Finding confidence through Islam
To find yourself again, you’ll need to go back to your beginning of what makes you – you.
You are a soul that Allah created with a specific design and with a purpose. That purpose is to know Him through your worship and remembrance of Him.
“And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.” (51:56)
Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you can’t take your life’s purpose seriously because of your past. You belong to Allah alone and you will return to Him alone. Your breath and life are for Him.
Please, take your life back and live it for His sake while also taking care of yourself, standing up for yourself, and finding joy and beauty in your life.
Get some outside support
Please consider speaking with a relationship counselor or therapist who can support you in dealing with the situation in your marriage. If you can trust your family to listen to you and support you then please involve them as well.
May Allah guide you to strength, confidence, ease, and the support you need to end being mistreated or abused in your marriage.
Amen,
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