If I'm being completely honest, the decision to get married wasn't straightforward for him. I told him that if marriage wasn't something he wanted, we should go our separate ways. He didn't want to lose me; he may have felt pressured into it.
The nikah was attended only by my family and his witness, as his family were unaware of it.
After the nikah, he moved into my home. I am also the main financial support for the household. I am older than my husband & he comes from a different culture and always told me that his family would never accept him marrying outside of their culture. Despite knowing this, we went ahead with the nikah.
In the last two months, he has spoken several times about ending our marriage. We've had many conversations about going our separate ways, but neither of us has followed through.
He's 29 and I'm 33. now he has told me that he feels too young and immature for marriage and isn't ready for the responsibilities that come with being a husband. I've also caught him messaging other women on social media. As far as I know, nothing developed beyond that, but it damaged my trust.
He says he isn't mentally or financially ready for marriage and feels torn because of his family's refusal to accept me. He's also planning to move into a hostel for a period of time while he tries to get back on his feet and eventually secure a place of his own. Although he says he still wants us to remain together, his idea of that is maintaining the relationship while living separately and seeing each other perhaps once a week until he feels more settled.
Despite being Islamically married, I don't feel the security and commitment I expected from marriage. At times, I feel more like a girlfriend than a wife.
My husband says that once he's stable, we can properly build a life together. However, my trust has been shaken, and I'm struggling to believe that our future is as certain as he says it is.
I've pray Allah for guidance and tried to be patient, but I remain conflicted. I don't want to walk away from someone I love, but I also don't want to spend years waiting for a future that may never materialise.
I'm 33 years old, have no children, and feel stuck between holding on and letting go. What Should I Do? I genuinely love my husband and want this marriage to work. He has made it clear if we are together we will have to move far away to not be seen by his family.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Can you hear these things and decide based on what is actually happening? Or, are you hearing what you would like to be happening?
- Focus on what he is offering right now and whether you are okay with this or not.
Assalamualaikum sister,
Thank you for your question.
You explain your relationship with your husband—the way you met, the way you were together at the beginning, and how things are going on now—and you are not sure whether you want to, or should, stay in this marriage or just let it go. His family is completely against your marriage. They do not know that you got married. They know about you and have said that they are not going to approve it.
Sister, I’m sure that you love him and I understand that this makes it difficult to decide.
I will tell you what I hear according to your letter.
I hear that when you got married, the decision wasn’t straightforward for him. You wanted to settle, so gave him an ultimatum. He didn’t want to lose you; and probably felt pressured into it, and also worried about his family’s reaction.
I hear that he says that he is not mentally or financially ready for marriage. He feels too young and too immature and is not ready for the responsibilities. You have also noticed that he was messaging other women online.
I can also hear that he does not want to lose you, so he would like to maintain this situation until he is ready to commit.
He also says that he feels torn because his family does not accept you and says that once he is ready, you are going to be far away from them. This last one seems to me, at least now, that he right now is not ready to confront them either—by telling them that you are already married or that you are going to build a life together.
From you, that you genuinely love your husband and want this to work. And that you don’t feel the security and commitment you expected from marriage. At times, you feel more like a girlfriend than a wife.
So these are the things that I am hearing.
And I have to tell you that I think it is a bit better than a situation where people are promising things but doing the opposite. At least, however painful it is, his words and his actions seem to be in line. He does not feel ready, he does not want to commit, and he is planning to live separately, but he prefers not to deal with the emotional consequences because he has feelings for you.
The question is,
can you permit yourself to you hear these things?
How do they land in your heart? What does these statements mean to you?
I cannot decide for you, I cannot tell you what you should do. But I ask you whether you are able to hear these things and decide based on what is actually happening. Or, are you hearing what you would like to be happening?
The actual situation and possible future scenarios are not the same things, and we have to make sure that we don’t take for granted something that is not existing yet. It can happen the way you plan it, but it may not.
Present vs future
On the other hand, there is a concrete situation right now with concrete intentions. Think about how to respond to those actual intentions and plans at this moment. Are you ready or willing to accept this or not?
Take the future out of the picture, because it is uncertain. We do not know what is going to happen. So I would focus on what he is offering right now and whether you are okay with this or not. Are you okay with living separately, with a separate economy and meeting once in a week in the upcoming months (or years)? Is this what you need right now? What kind of marital life are you ready for? What are your needs and your wishes right now, and is he able to give you?
Know that what is meant to happen, will. In the future, once there is another reality, you can reevaluate your response in that moment according to that situation and possibilities.
I hope this helps,