Answer
In this counseling answer:
“Understand that if Allah (swt) forgives your husband for his past, then you should as well. Remember how Allah (swt) is compassionate and merciful towards us. Your husband certainly deserves your compassion and mercy, too. Forgive”
Wa ’Alaykum Salam sister,
Thank you for writing us. Kindly pass the following answer to your friend, in sha’ Allah:
While you have every right to feel the way you do, you need to allow yourself and your husband to be human. What I mean is that humans make mistakes and they deserve to be forgiven (if they sincerely repent).
This is what Allah (swt) mentions constantly in the Quran. Allah (swt) begins every surah with “In the name of Allah (swt), the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.” Allah (swt) is the One who created us and He knows that we are destined to sin. Every single one of us. However, those who are special are those who realize their mistakes and repent sincerely. Even though there are several verses in the Quran that show how terrible sin fornication is in our religion, repentance surpasses everything. Period. There is no dispute about this.
You first have to differentiate between the fact that your husband might have lied to you before marriage and the issue of him being a bad person because he fornicated before marriage. Those are two completely different issues. To address the latter, our religion tells us that we have a set of rules we must follow. There are haram actions that we cannot do such as fornication.
The point, however, is not to make us feel that we are damned and hopeless if we do fall into sin. Allah (swt) does not want that. If you believe this, you have missed the point. We are supposed to understand that we have done something terrible, and we have to correct it by sincerely repenting. That realization and repentance is what Allah (swt) wants us to internalize.
Now, the first step is for you to understand the above and strive to be compassionate and merciful. Understand that if Allah (swt) forgives, then you should as well.
As I read your question, I can see that you have very strong feelings towards chastity and find fornication to be abhorrent. Certainly, I cannot dispute that!
A lot of us Muslims miss the point of our religion’s essence and get carried away with categorizing people, things, events into either all good or all bad. In real life, that’s not how it is. We must understand that our religion does not condemn or excommunicate a person who has sinned and repented. We have no right to do that. Allah (swt) wants us to constantly return to Him and seek Him. He has given us chances to return to Him. We must also give ourselves and others the chance to do so too.
You do, however, have every right to feel angry and hurt that your husband fornicated and lied to you before marriage. In one of her previous answers to a similar case, Dr. Bachmeier stated something truly nice: “You can choose to look at this new development as an opportunity to open your heart and mind. An opportunity to move toward a meaningful dialogue that will provide the environment for your husband to tell you why he felt the need to lie to you. He can sincerely tell you how he really feels about you and your marriage. You might be touched and you might soften once you hear what he has to say.”
Remember how Allah (swt) is compassionate and merciful towards us. Your husband (from what you have described to us) certainly deserves your compassion and mercy, too. Realize this, internalize it and then build on it. Strive to make your relationship one of compassion, mercy, empathy, and certainly honesty from now on.
Salam,
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