In Laws Told Us to Pack Up and Leave the Home

03 September, 2020
Q Assalamalaikum,

I am married from last 3 years and have a daughter who will be of 2 years soon in sha Allah. My husband is younger son of my father in law.

He is not their golden kid , has made many mistakes Cuz of which my FIL always makes remarks and scold him on each little thing.

My MIL has stopped talking to him and always curse him because he was impulsive before marriage. Also they all put blame on me it hurts a lot that they put their bad upbringing results on me.

Allah knows better how much I try to make my husband understand his parents value. I always try to make him understand he should respect them.

Even if he wants to do anything as his wish my FIL becomes emotionally abusive to him which has made him more disrespectful towards them. Earlier it used to affect me cuz of which I used to get depressed but then for my little daughter I stopped thinking about it.

Now my FIL has got some money for his self earned property and my husband asked for his share. I know he can't ask for (* he asked because they always have said that they will economically settle both of their sons).

Then again my FIL started abusing and my husband also got angry and they had a fight. His father started blaming me and my parents although I have always treated my FIL as my own father never back answered him. Always respected his words but the way he scolded me and put blames on my parents has shattered me badly.

I don't think I would ever respect him again as I used to do earlier.. he told us to leave house and everything. My husband is not earning so that we can move out but has bought a house on his own name after creating a scene( that is also bought by his father as he bought two houses for both of his sons).

I am very depressed and disappointed from all of them as they treat me with respect when they want and insult me whenever they want to. Cuz their elder son don't visit his in laws more often as me and my husband do they also have objection on it.

From last 3 years I am going through so many ups n downs and there's nobody to stand by me. Although now my husband behavior towards me is better than before. Emotionally I am broken.

Only for my daughter I try to be happier. I'm disappointed from each of them. Thought of leaving this house, but my parents will get hurt. Also then for my daughter life ahead never did that.

What should I do.. How can you treat someone's daughter like trash. Aren't they answerable for their behavior? Or only I have to be kind ? Only am I obliged to give them respect? What about my rights according to Islamic views?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Practice healthier communication skills with your husband and in-laws. Encourage them to try the same, ask your husband to utilize these and be a bridge of healthy communication between them and yourself. 

Consider family counseling.

Ensure your daughter is not around these arguments and your in-laws are aware that such communication is harmful around children.

Discuss options for financial independence with your husband.


Assalamu alaikum,

 Thank you for taking the time to write in and share your concerns with us. It is my understanding you have been married for 3 years. Have a child and the relationship with your Mother in law and Father in law is abusive towards both him and you.

I understand your husband does not have a good relationship with them which in turn has led to them disrespecting you as well since you are his wife. I also understand your Father in law has financially provided housing for both of his sons and your husband is currently not earning an income. 

My dear sister, this is a difficult situation to not have a good relationship with your in-laws, this can undoubtedly create stress in your marriage and is also a toxic situation for your child. Please be aware, many couples struggle with parental relationships during the earlier years but inshallah this can be resolved, and a healthier dynamic can be established between all of you. 

Communication

It is good to hear that your husband has been treating you better. I am sure this is stressful for him as it is his parents and unfortunately that can cause spouses to vent on their spouse. But it sounds like he is correcting this already, alhamduilllah.

Let us talk about communication with your Mother in law and Father, how to work on this and inshallah heal these family wounds. 

While we should treat parents and family with respect, that does not mean they can disrespect us and talk in hurtful ways against us. Both should extend respect, mercy, and compassion to the other. After all, no matter how you disagree, you are family. 

Effective communication is a skill for any relationship. Here are some suggestions to take into consideration with communication. 

  • Practice active listening and ask your spouse, as well as his parents, to try this. Active listening looks like putting away all distractions, such as phones. Allowing them to finish their statements without interruption and importantly, listening to understand not to respond. When people feel heard they are more likely to speak in a calm manner and extend the same respect back. 
  • Utilize I-statements to avoid causing defensiveness and blaming. For example, “I feel disrespected and hurt when I am insulted” instead of “you hurt my feelings when you talk like that to me”. You are expressing the same sentiment in a non-judgmental way. 
  • Repeat a summary back to them when they finish, such as “I understand you feel disrespected and that your efforts to provide for us are being taken for granted”. It lets that person know you are trying to understand them as much as you want them to understand you. 
  • Avoid arguing, once a conversation becomes an argument it has broken down and can become hurtful. If this happens, it is best to take time for calling down and the topic can be revisited once everyone is calm.   
In Laws Told Us to Pack Up and Leave the Home - About Islam

Family Counseling    

If your husband and his parents are willing to try this, you may want to consider professional family counseling. It sounds like this type of interaction has on-going for a while; cycles are hard to break. A professional counselor can help navigate this with an unbiased perspective that validates and discusses both sides. 

This can be done online or in person, some people are more comfortable doing it online. You can also utilize an Islamic counselor if you prefer an Islamic perspective combined with the counseling. 


Check out this counseling video:


Income

You mentioned your husband is not currently providing an income and your Father in law provided homes for his sons. It is possible your Father in law would prefer to see his son work harder to provide his own income and financial stability. This is also your right as his wife.

You may both be happier if you were on your own and did not have to depend on his parents for support. I encourage both of you to consider how you can improve your financial situation independently and strive towards career goals. 

Kids

Sister, when kids are involved it needs to be recognized that they are witness to all of this. Even if you pretend to be happy, your daughter feels the truth from you. If she is around when these arguments happen with her Grandparents, it will hurt her, and it will hurt her family bonds.

It is important to ensure she is not present for these and your Mother and Father in law are aware that it is not appropriate to engage in this type of toxic behavior around her. Encourage them to spend quality time with her and in those happy moments do not talk about difficult topics or things which can result in arguments. 

Final Thoughts

Dear Sister, here is a summary of your next steps forward. 

  • Practice healthier communication skills with your husband and in-laws. Encourage them to try the same, ask your husband to utilize these and be a bridge of healthy communication between them and yourself. 
  • Consider family counseling
  • Ensure your daughter is not around these arguments and your in-laws are aware that such communication is harmful around children
  • Discuss options for financial independence with your husband

I know it is not an easy situation to feel your in-laws do not support you and they speak in harsh ways. Inshallah this can be improved over time and your family bonds can grow to be stronger. May Allah (swt) heal your family and help all of you come together with more unity, ameen. 

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.

Read more:

About Monique Hassan
Monique Hassan graduated with honors in 2012 with her BSc in Psychology and a minor in Biology and is certified in Crisis Prevention and Intervention. She has years of professional as well as personal experience with trauma, relationship struggles, substance abuse, identifying coping skills, conflict resolution, community outreach, and overall mental health concerns. She is a professional writer specialized in Islamic Psychology and Behavioral Health. She is also a revert who took her shahada in 2015, Alhamdulillah. You can contact Sister Monique Hassan via her website "MoniqueHassan.com"