He says he won't promise her that he'll treat her as an angel. Her main concern is not that she will hate caring for his mother but she is career-oriented and wants to work badly. He says the door is open if she doesn't clean and cook and opt for teaching. She loves him and is very confused and hurt.
In this counseling answer:
• While there is nothing wrong with cooking, cleaning, and washing clothes, there is a problem as it appears that this is the main reason why he wants to marry her.
• Evaluate the situation in relation to what Allah has designated marriage for.
• Envision her future life with him and ask herself if this is a man that could truly make her happy and bring her closer to Allah.
As-salaam Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing to us. As I understand the situation, you have a cousin who’s thinking of marrying a guy she has known for four years. Based on what you wrote concerning the argument, the guy does not want her to have a career which she does want. The guy wants her to clean the house, wash clothes, and cook meals for his mother.
He also stated he won’t promise that he’ll treat her as an angel. I am wondering why he would say this. This is a worrisome statement from him.
Foundations of Marriage
While there is nothing wrong with cooking, cleaning, and washing clothes as these are chores that do need to be done and most wives do them happily, there is a problem as it appears that this is the main reason that he wants to marry her. He may be seeking somebody to take care of his mother and not really seeking a lifetime partner, a wife to grow with.
Based on what you wrote, there was no discussion of the future, children, sharing interests, nor any other foundations which are critical to a good marriage. His main focus appears to be securing the contract based on her services to his mom.
While we should look after our in-laws as we are to be kind and merciful, it should not be an all-consuming endeavor and the main focal point of marriage.
Allah created marriage so that we may grow together in mercy, love, kindness and be a cover for one another. This means a deep commitment towards the other person’s happiness as well as compromises within Islamic boundaries.
Rethinking the Future
As your cousin is career-oriented and does enjoy working, it seems that this would not be the ideal situation for her. The most important point, however, is the boy’s reason for wanting to marry her.
In this counseling video:
As stated above, it appears his reasoning for marriage is to be to get somebody to take care of his mom and the house rather than form a truly compatible, loving marriage. Allah forgives me if I am wrong.
I would kindly advise you to talk to your cousin insha’Allah and ask her to evaluate the situation in relation to what Allah has designated marriage for. Please do insha’Allah ask her to make a list of what she desires from a marriage. From that list ask her to check off these things and qualities that this boy has.
In addition, please ask her and to envision her future life with him and to ask herself if this is a man that could truly make her happy and bring her closer to Allah. While no marriage is perfect, the fact that he is starting off with this demand even before the marriage is a red flag. It is also a blessing as it gives your cousin the opportunity to re-evaluate his motives as well as her needs in a future husband.
We wish her the best,
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.