After 2 months, my in-laws started interfering in everything. I even heard them talking about me.
My husband is not acting mature. Most of the time he is out with his friends and his family pressurizes me to control him.
If I do so, he gets angry and picks a fight with me. I have anxiety. It feels like mental torture to me. I'm not happy at all.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Without the ups and downs in a marriage, there would be nothing to work on together, nothing to grow stronger with together, no opportunity to get to know how each other behaves in crises.
Of course, if his maturity is an issue in your opinion and you’re not happy with this, then raise it with him, but you do not need to be the ‘middle man’ in correcting what his family doesn’t like.
Of course, in some time, you may need to take other actions, but at this early stage, it’s important to try and do all you can to make it work for now. Be patient.
Treat your in-laws well. Good treatment inshallah will change their behavior towards you.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
Sorry to hear that you are experiencing difficulties in your married life. Your in-laws are now giving you a hard time and your husband is not acting mature. Between these things, this is making your marital life very uncomfortable.
Married life should be a source of comfort as prescribed in the Qur’an. However, all marriages go through ups and downs, and this is part of what makes couples stronger.
Ups and Downs of a Marriage
Without the ups and downs, there would be nothing to work on together, nothing to grow stronger with together, no opportunity to get to know how each other behaves in crises. These are all things that make a marriage that comfortable that we aim for.
I understand that you feel torn between listening to your in-laws and how your husband wants to be treated, but you also need to think of yourself and your place in your marriage amongst this.
It’s not for you to control your husband as your in-laws say. This seems to be causing problems with your husband. Of course, if his maturity is an issue in your opinion and you’re not happy with this, then raise it with him, but you do not need to be the ‘middle man’ in correcting what his family doesn’t like.
You should leave them to be the ones to say what they want regarding this.
How Marriages Work
As for your own complaints about him, this is for you to raise with him when you are comfortable too.
In time, you will come to know him better and know when and how to approach him in the best way. This is something that will come with time.
In the beginning, there may be lots of things that you dislike. Some things you may just come to accept as part of him that can’t be changed. Likewise, there will be things in you that he dislikes too and will also have to accept as part of you.
Maybe in time, you will both adjust and change naturally as part of the process of getting to know one another and becoming one. As for the things that cause continual problems that you will not accept, you will come to know how to approach him about it.
In general, the best time to approach people is when you have assessed that they are in a good mood and you are somewhere comfortable where you have time and won’t be interrupted.
Keeping Ties with In-Laws
As for your in-laws, despite their negative comments, it’s important to maintain ties. They can say what they want, but if you treat them with kindness in response, then you can be comfortable that you are doing the right thing and they are wrong. Perhaps this will even stop them from saying bad things.
But, even if not then you can just keep doing the right thing on your side and leave them to what they want. In sha Allah, in time they will draw on your example.
Additionally, as you and your husband’s relationship strengthens and you get to know each other, if their attitude persists, then you will be able to bring it up with your husband and address them about it.
Don’t let their comments get to you and continue to do what makes you feel good about yourself. Find pleasure in things that make you happy that are aside from what is making you unhappy. For example, if you have hobbies or other friends and family you can also spend time with.
Of course, in some time, you may need to take other actions, but at this early stage, it’s important to try and do all you can to make it work for now. A good marriage takes time and patience.
May Allah reward your patience and grant you happiness and success in this life and the next. May your spouse be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.
Amen,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.