I want to Marry my Wife Again

12 October, 2020
Q Me and my wife got separated 2 months ago because of a fight between us. She demanded the khula and it ended.

There were mistakes from my side which I am able to understand now. But I still love her and I want to reconcile.

She has blocked me everywhere and not in contact with me. Her family also does not trust me now.

Can you please guide me on what to do?I am suffering from depression and still want to reconcile but the other party is not interested.

Answer


In this counseling session:

  • Getting a divorce is very distressing to both parties and anyone else involved.
  • The first thing to do is to get Islamic advice on whether it would even be OK for you to reconcile and remarry.
  • Seek counselling for your depression.
  • Recognize your own personal triggers that make you behave irrationally or inappropriately. 

Assalamalikum,

Getting a divorce is very distressing to both parties and anyone else involved. Even if it ended in cases where there were unresolvable discrepancies between both involved, there will be consequences to deal with. In your case, you wish to reconcile, but your ex-wife has blocked you out and is not in contact with you anymore. 

Remarry

What’s done is done now and there is no going back so it’s important to try and not focus on regrets of what could be done back then, because you will not get that time back again. However, you can focus your efforts on now and what you can do moving forward in the future. 

The first thing to do is to get Islamic advice on whether it would even be OK for you to reconcile and remarry in the case that she does start to respond to you again. I say this as I believe there are certain prerequisites involved in marrying the same person again. This is something you should first clarify with a scholar or knowledge. 

Counseling

I want to Marry my Wife Again - About Islam

The next thing to do, simultaneously with seeking Islamic guidance on the matter is to seek counselling for your depression. I can provide you with some one of advice that in sha Allah will ease your current feelings and give you some ideas about where to go from here. But you should Seek ongoing counselling for your depression. This will give you an outlet to express your feelings to a neutral party who will also be able to support you in overcoming your depression. 

Avoid sin

Regardless of whether it is deemed that you could remarry her, you must keep in mind that now you are not married anymore you are no longer halal for one another and therefore contact alone with her is not permitted. Perhaps this is even the reason she is blocking you, to avoid sin on both her part and yours.

Also, given that you were once married and the feelings are there, contact with her will like lead to heightened emotions, more so than with couples that were never married and could lead to harm quite easily. So, for the sake of Allah, this is best avoided. You might however, instead contact her via someone else, either from her family, or yours.


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Work on yourself

Again, regardless of whether you would be permitted and/or able to remarry her, you can use this as an opportunity to work on yourself. You mention that there were some mistakes from your side and that in hindsight you can now see that. Work on bettering yourself on these matters so as not to end up in this kind of scenario again. Or at least find ways to manage yourself more appropriately should you feel like this again.

Often this involves things like recognizing your own personal triggers that make you behave irrationally or inappropriately. Was there something in particular that happened or was said in that argument that made you behave wrongly? How could you have managed your feelings or actions more appropriately?

Often things like taking the perspective of the other person, taking a few seconds to think before responding, or even walking away for a short while can help to avoid irrational, in the moment, reactions. That can sometimes end with devastating effects as you have experienced. See this as an opportunity for growth to nurture you into a better person who could be an even better husband to your ex-wife if permitted. Or otherwise a new wife in the future. 

Time

Another thing to do is to give both of you time. She will also be going through her own difficulties too right now and needs space too. This might be another reason why she is blocking you also. Rather than focusing too much on trying to get in touch with her, instead, for a short while at least, be focused on keeping yourself well emotionally.

Conclusion

When experiencing depression, it can be easy to let go of oneself and neglect basic needs. Make sure you are eating well, exercising and spending time with others doing the things you usually would. Not only will this be good for your psychological well being, but it will give you the space to clear you mind and decide more clearly what is best to do next.

It will also give her the chance to do the same. With that space, if it is deemed permissible to remarry you will be in a better place to approach her again. And, if not, then you will be in a better place psychologically to accept its over and move on. 

May Allah ease your difficulties and guide you to do what is best and most acceptable to you. May He bring you comfort in His remembrance. 

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)