I Suffered Many Hardships for My Husband to Love Me

16 October, 2020
Q My husband got married to me without loving me. He never gives me any attention. He got married to me because he wants to come to England. We applied for his visa. It was rejected.

Since then he’s been giving me an attitude. He’s following other women on face book. He called me and said he wanted a divorce. I told him I will speak to my dad about it.

Since then he didn’t call or text me. I am just confused. I love him so much. He always gives me problems. Every time he disrespects me he will go to parties and clubs without telling me. He will travel without telling me. I have suffered a lot in the marriage.

He won’t talk to me for months, if we fight he always blames me for everything. He said he feels embarrassed talking to me in public and now he wants a divorce. I know the fact that he is cheating on me but only gods know how I suffer to protect our marriage but he never loved me.

Answer


In this counseling session:

  • Accept this marriage is over and divorce him.
  • Say alhamdulillah you were spared the pain of living with this type of man in your country, see the mercy in this.
  • Remember you can marry again one day and find true love.
  • Consider counseling.
  • Lean on your family and friends for support.
  • Look into local sister events for more support. 
  • Look up support groups for divorcees.
  • Identify positive coping skills to help you reign in emotions.
  • Always make frequent duaa.

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu,

Thank you for taking the time to write in and trust us with your concerns. It is my understanding your marriage was likely for a visa and once rejected he became emotionally neglectful and abusive. I understand he has asked for a divorce more than once, is spending time with women, clubbing, fights with you, and states he is embarrassed to be in public with you. 

Reality

My dear Sister, I must be honest with you and this might be hard to hear but it is the truth. You need to divorce this man; he is no good for you. You cannot force a man to love you or be a good husband if he has no desire to.

This man wanted to use you for a visa, alhamdulillah he was rejected! Do you realize if it had been granted he would still be seeing girls, still be clubbing, and still be cruel to you except it would be in your home and you would be trapped in a legal visa situation. This is a mercy from Allah (swt) that such a man was rejected from your country!

“…My mercy encompasses all things…”

[Quran 7:156]

Protection

It is a noble trait to protect marriage and fight for it, but to do such for this situation only hurts you, Sister. He will not wake up one day and change his ways magically, this is the type of man he is, and that is not good enough for you. It is time to protect yourself, protect your iman, and protect your heart. 

I suggest you tell him the divorce is granted and move on. Dependent on if the marriage was done legally in his country or only by nikah, take the necessary steps to dissolve the marriage and move on. Now is the time to reclaim your heart Sister, reclaim your life, and push forward. Letting go is step one. Once you accept this reality, while it will hurt, it will also remove that weight of uncertainty. 

Marrying Again

You are still young and surely can find a better man. While there is nothing wrong with marrying outside of your country, it is safer if you marry someone from your local area so you can better judge their character and your parents can sit down with their family.


Check out this counseling video:


Please do not rush into a second marriage, you need to heal first. Take time to resolve your emotional pain from this man and find happiness within yourself before you look for another marriage. Once you are healed and resolved all that emotional scarring, then you can consider this. 

Healing Process

I suggest considering professional counseling, this is always healthy and can help us overcome emotional hurdles. For example, this man may have hurt your trust in men so a counselor can help you unpack this and heal those wounds moving forward so when you do decide to marry again you can do so without judging him or feeling afraid he will hurt you. 

I Suffered Many Hardships for My Husband to Love Me - About Islam

Social Support

Look to your social circle for support. Spend time with trusted family and friends as you heal from this hurt. You can look up support groups in your area with other women that have undergone a divorce as they can relate and understand all of the emotions you are experiencing.

You may also consider getting more involved with Sister halaqas and events in your local Muslim community. This can help you inshallah lean on your faith and your Sister in Islam as you heal. 

Coping Skills

You will have moments that feel more difficult than others, this is normal. During those moments when your emotions are stronger, I encourage you to utilize positive coping skills. These are skills to help us manage our emotions and reign them in; instead of those emotions controlling us. Be creative and do not limit yourself.

Coping skills should be individualized to what suits our unique needs. For example, I like to pet my cats as a coping skill and go to the gym. For someone who is allergic to cats, this certainly will not help them. Here are a few examples of positive skills to help inspire you to think about what works for you. Try to identify at least 3 you can utilize. 

  • Gardening
  • Nature walks
  • Petting animals
  • Exercise
  • Reciting Quran
  • Prayer/Duaa
  • Dancing
  • Listening to music
  • Reading a good book
  • Painting
  • Organizing a room
  • Cooking new recipes 
  • Having tea/coffee with friends
  • Watching movies
  • Journaling
  • Birdwatching
  • Deep breathing while counting to 4

Final Thoughts

I know this is a hurtful and difficult situation, but you can recover and move forward from this. Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward. 

  • Accept this marriage is over and divorce him
  • Say alhamdulillah you were spared the pain of living with this type of man in your country, see the mercy in this
  • Remember you can marry again one day and find true love
  • Consider counseling
  • Lean on your family and friends for support
  • Look into local sister events for more support 
  • Look up support groups for divorcees
  • Identify positive coping skills to help you reign in emotions
  • Always make frequent duaa

May Allah (swt) heal your heart, make it easy on you, and guide your next steps, ameen. 

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Monique Hassan
Monique Hassan graduated with honors in 2012 with her BSc in Psychology and a minor in Biology and is certified in Crisis Prevention and Intervention. She has years of professional as well as personal experience with trauma, relationship struggles, substance abuse, identifying coping skills, conflict resolution, community outreach, and overall mental health concerns. She is a professional writer specialized in Islamic Psychology and Behavioral Health. She is also a revert who took her shahada in 2015, Alhamdulillah. You can contact Sister Monique Hassan via her website "MoniqueHassan.com"