I have a question in regards to my husband. I have been married for a year and live with my husband in our own apartment.
I have learned about some behaviors of my husband which have been making me feel depressed. My husband’s family lives abroad and mine lives 25 mins away.
My question is that I go once a week to spend a few hours with my family. As I finished my studies, I wanted to go 2 to 3 times a week (when my husband is at work); however, he has refused.
The reason he gives is that he feels it will disrespect him if I go so often and my family might feel I am not happy with my married life.
I have tried to discuss in a soft manner; however, he has called me stubborn and says I always want my own way. I am absolutely heartbroken because I am so close to my family and want to see my nieces and nephews as well sometimes.
I would still fulfill my responsibilities at my own home before I go. He has emotionally blackmailed and said his family lives so far and it makes him sad if I keep going to see mine more than once a week as it reminds him that his family is far away.
He also wants to move away from this city to get away from my family.
I have this bad gut feeling about my marriage and have prayed istikarah but felt I did not get a clear feeling as of yet.
Please, can you advise me whether my husband is allowed to restrict me like this and secondly what is the best way to resolve this matter. JazakAllah Khair.
In this counseling answer:
Marriage is all about respecting each other and sacrificing for each other.
Therefore, the counselor advises the sister to speak with her husband and come up with a win-win solution.
It may be visiting her parents together so the husband doesn’t feel excluded or inviting the family to her house.
As-Salam ‘Aleikom sister,
Thank you for reaching out to us with your problem. I will try my best to advise you, In sha’ Allah.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Nobody is allowed to restrict you from seeing your parents.
Your husband says that he misses his family because they are far away, but this cannot be a reason for stopping you from meeting yours. It sounds like he is jealous and also being a little over protective.
He doesn’t have any valid reason to stop you from visiting your parents. I think all he is doing is to control you.
The family connection is tremendously important in Islam. We are commanded to obey our parents, and be faithful to them, and help them in our old age.
This is a command from Allah (swt). No one can countermand it. Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an:
“And we have enjoined upon the human being (care) for his parents. His mother carried him (increasing her) in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the (final) destination.” (31:14)
My advice would be to let things cool down for a bit. Speak to your husband directly when it’s only you and your husband alone.
Apologize to him for making a big deal of something that wasn’t a big deal at all. Explain him your point of view in a cool and calm manner.
Make sure you do not talk over each other when having this conversation. Let him speak and listen to him, then ask him to let you speak without him trying to over talk you.
Check out this counseling video:
Why don’t you try to visit your parents with him and try to go less to them alone? Maybe your husband will feel more comfortable if you do that.
Or you can invite your parents sometimes to your house so you don’t need to go there so often yourself.
Marriage is all about respecting each other and sacrificing for each other. It is no point in arguing with him and does your own way all the time as it can break the marriage. Is it worth it?
Most men are full of ego and they like to feel they are in control. You could make du’aa’ and pray that Allah (swt) makes your marriage strong and that you both happy with each other.
Find a solution
Sometimes when the man feels he does not make his wife happy, he feels insecure about himself and he gets extra controlling and over protective.
You haven’t told much about your relationship with your husband in general, but from what I have understood you are struggling with the communication between you and him not being reasonable with you.
You should speak to your husband and try finding a middle way to this problem. He has to understand that you can’t stop completely seeing your parents while you have to understand that he feels uncomfortable you going there too regularly.
Sit down with him and find a solution together.
May Allah (swt) ease your problems and make your marriage strong.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.