Despite the sister's extra precaution with niqaab there were times when he would scream at her in front of his family for just walking out, with niqaab, while they were in the passageway or something. She considered this his over zealousness in religion and did not think much of it. They’ve been married for 4 yrs now.
3 yrs ago, he started behaving much more oddly than usual – became very suspicious of his family, believed people were spying on him, wanted him to fail, follow him around, tapping his phones & even got aggressive & erratic – punching walls & breaking things. She consulted a doctor & he was diagnosed as a schizophrenic / bipolar with psychosis.
As he was suspicious and paranoid he wasn't informed of the diagnosis and was put on meds covertly. During that psychotic episode he had once even left the sister stranded in a remote place as well as injured her by causing an accident during commute. The meds were stopped after 6 months as he seemed better and the family found it hard to continue it covertly and became lax about it.
He started studying software programming and pursued a career in that. After studying for about a year he started working in a small software company. During this time he had minor anger breakouts where he became overly aggressive and started screaming at his family members which is very out of his normal character but these were temporary.
About 3 weeks ago his condition became worse - paranoia, suspicion, missing work, etc. He stopped going to work again saying that he is taking his days off. He started blaming the COVID risk for not going to work until he was eventually fired (due to his social issues and lack of delivery according to the last ex-employer). The sister re-consulted the doctor who got her to restart the meds & has said that the meds will now have to be administered for life.
The meds seem to be working to bring him back to remission. However, based on his experience, the doc says that meds will reduce frequency and intensity of psychosis. Prevent additional damage to his brain but not ever fully cure him. This will be a lifelong thing and he will not be able to have a “normal” career and life. He still doesn't know he is on meds.
He hasn’t been able to financially support her since the start relying on his father and brothers for financial support. His family are of the opinion that this is just a phase and he will come out of it, and that the two week meds have already cured him.
The sister herself is a qualified doc completing her post grad degree in oncology. She comes from a well off family and has adapted herself to a very simple and hard life, continuing to persevere - cooking, cleaning, and taking care of her husband despite meager means. Confined to a single room while continuing working as a doctor knowing that Rizq is from Allah and these are tests in this life.
She wants to stay with him but given the diagnosis and challenges ahead she feels conflicted. Having lived with him for 4 years she cares for him and feels guilty for having thoughts of leaving him. She is scared of the physical hurt he may cause her in one of his episodes. And is stressed about the future and at times feels that she is also going mad. What would you advise her to do? Is she eligible for a Khula?
Answer
- Understand this is never cured, she may consult with physicians to verify this.
- Staying with him means accepting she will always have to monitor him for signs of an oncoming episode and possible medication concerns.
- She will also have to learn the process of involuntary commitment if he enters a dangerous stage.
- She should address his controlling behavior.
- She has a right to end this marriage if she will not be happy.
- She should pray istikhara about her decision.
Assalamu alaikum,
Thank you for taking the time to write in and share your concerns with us.
It is my understanding an arranged marriage occurred involving a man that forces his wife to wear niqab, isolates his wife, has been aggressive and dangerous, diagnosed with schizophrenia/bipolar and she fears if he will hurt her during an episode.
Sister, let us get a few things clear and upfront. These illnesses can NOT be cured, that is a false idea by his parents. You can verify this with any Psychiatrist of your choosing that you feel comfortable with.
He will always have these illnesses; he will always need medications and the truth is the medications will not always work. At times he will need to have his medications edited, such as a dosage changed, or a certain medication may no longer work as well for him as he ages. He will always be at risk at having another episode and the harsh truth is she is right to be worried.
When someone is in a psychotic state, they may hurt the people they love or hurt themselves. It is not because they want to or because they are bad people, not at all, they usually feel great remorse once they are out of that state. He is sick and he will always be sick.
Reality of Staying
If she chooses to stay with him, she needs to understand she is choosing to be his lifelong caretaker. She will have to know all his medications and be aware of the signs to look for when he is entering a psychotic state or needs to speak to his doctor about his medications. She will need to be educated on the process of involuntary commitment.
When people become a threat to themselves or others during these psychotic states, family members must commit them against their will to a psychiatric hospital to be stabilized. This sounds scary and the patients usually fight it, but in the end, it is a way to protect everyone and ensure the person does not hurt their family or themselves.
She would not take him to the hospital, rather she would notify appropriate authorities and they pick him up and bring him in. You mentioned he has been dangerous and erratic in the past, so it is important she understands how to implement this legal procedure to protect herself from harm.
He will never be “normal”, and he may experience problems in his career and personal life due to his illness. In some situations, people will go on disability and not work if their illness becomes too debilitating and difficult to manage.
Control
We must also address his controlling behavior. This is not about his mental illness; this is about controlling his wife and it is not correct. She should never be isolated from her family, forced to stay within a single room, and forced to wear a niqab.
You also mentioned she is studying to be a doctor. If this is the case then she should not be the only one cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the home, as mentioned. It sounds like she is being controlled and made to do most of the labor of the home. She needs to make her own life choices that make herself happy. She should be encouraged to think about what it is she needs to lead a happy life and if this will suffice for her.
You mention she feels conflicted. This shows she has a caring heart, but she must take care of herself not just take care of him. Encourage her to think about what she wants in life and what choices would make her the happiest. She is not a bad person if she feels she cannot be happy with him. If that is her choice, then it is better she says this now so they can both move on and find someone better suited for them.
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Divorce
I am not an Islamic scholar so I will give the answer that aligns with counseling. No one has a right to force anyone into a marriage they do not want and furthermore, she was not given accurate information on his mental state prior to marriage so she entered it under false pretenses. His family may have hidden this as they knew many people will not agree to such conditions.
If he is not willing to do a divorce the typical way, then a khula is when the woman pushes forward with it anyways. He is not allowed to force her to stay married and khula is a means for a woman to make this happen even if he is not happy about it. Think about it Sister, would Islam ever force a human being to be in a marriage they did not want? Islam is not in the business of compulsion and forcing people into anything, only culture advocates for that.
Please encourage her to pray for istikhara regarding this decision. She may visit this link to better understand how to read the answers of istikhara .
Final Thoughts
Here is a summary of the thoughts shared and next steps.
- Understand this is never cured, she may consult with physicians to verify this
- Staying with him means accepting she will always have to monitor him for signs of an oncoming episode and possible medication concerns
- She will also have to learn the process of involuntary commitment if he enters a dangerous stage
- She should address his controlling behavior
- She has a right to end this marriage if she will not be happy
- She should pray istikhara about her decision
May Allah (swt) protect them both, heal them and guide their choices, ameen.
Salam,
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.