Like broadly we both want a peaceful life but our thoughts are not the same mostly. I am trying to improve myself but I am still not there. But I am confused if I should go forward with the marriage. He is a practicing Muslim with a good character but when I think about how nikah is seen as a way to pull each other to heaven. I don't see that with him.
How do I navigate such a situation? I am actively trying to improve like I stopped listening to music and now I am getting more punctual with my prayers, which I know is not enough but I am trying. I feel like he is still not there so it may not be right for both of us to be together since I have changed.
Also with respect to working, I am not sure if I want to work for long, maybe not after kids but he wants somebody who does work (which I was okay with initially but not anymore). Although I do have in my mind that if the need arises I will definitely help him since my work is within the healthcare sector so it is still a noble profession. We decided to talk about it when the time comes.
The thing is it's not his fault but because now I can see that I have changed, I feel like why should he be affected by that. Also we are different in terms of he likes material things but I am not like that.
This also makes me question if I am being too critical since I have not yet improved myself enough.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- You don’t need to be spiritually “done” in order to enter marriage and the second thing that your pace and your husband’s pace does not have to be identical.
- Focus on compatibility in communication, interest, sympathy, and understanding.
Assalamualaikum, sister,
Thank you for your question.
As I understand, you are engaged to someone, but now you started changing, you started to practice the religion more and as a result, you started to doubt your compatibility and the decision you made.
You try to improve but you don’t see him doing the same. You started to see marriage as a “way to pull each other to heaven.” Also you have some misalignment regarding work, because you may want to stay at home but he wants you to work. You see that it’s not his fault but you wonder whether you are too critical because you yourself have not improved enough.
Marriage in practice
I understand these concerns and it seems to me that we are talking about theory vs practice. Marriage is about practice and of course without real, firsthand experience on how a relationship looks it’s difficult to grasp what will go on.
But I want you to know that this is the most normal thing. We are not able to see and forecast our whole future, whole life path and journey. This knowledge is hidden from us, and for a good reason. One thing is sure that we are constantly evolving, changing, probably transforming and we have Islam as a guidance on the journey.
So the expectation it’s not that you have to make it before you get married and you have to perfect yourself and your character before that. The truth is that we grow through life lessons, through real experiences. We gain wisdom, insights, we draw conclusions, understand consequences, conflicts, misunderstandings.
Different paths and paces
I think the first thing is that it’s important to clarify that you don’t need to be “done” in order to enter marriage and the second thing that your pace and your husband’s pace does not have to be identical. Maybe you grow in your prayers now and he grows in generosity, for example.
Maybe he has other tests, other areas of improvement, other experiences that can bring him understanding and wisdom. It’s not like this is better, the other is worse, they are just different. It’s better to let this idea go that you have to move at the same pace.
It’s much more realistic to prepare that change is going to happen through your marriage as well because circumstances are changing, contexts are changing. There are always new challenges and we have to adapt and there is no guarantee that we are going to adapt the same way.
With this being said, I think it’s not a problem if you have different thoughts about things. It’s very normal because you are two different persons, with different needs and ideas. It’s good if you are on the same page regarding main life goals, and if there are things that are absolutely not acceptable or deal breakers, then it’s good to clarify them prior to marriage.
Learn from lived experiences
I am not sure if you are in contact with his family, but you can talk to each other, know each other more. Also, with your family and married friends, you may ask them about their lived experiences, and about how they deal with differences in a relationship.
Sometimes Islamic content about marriage sets very idealistic expectations, without grounded advice. For example, I am not sure what pulling each other to Heaven means to you. For me, it means encouragement and support for each other with compassion and care. It does not mean that we have to only focus on worship. Your own relationship with God does not depend on your spouse’s religiosity. It depends on you and how you treat others, including your spouse, which is an opportunity to grow closer to Him.
So while I understand your doubts, I also think that changing your perspective may help. You may look into the following:
do you like him as a person? As a possible good friend? Is there trust in between? What about the communication, is it open and fair enough to address fears, vulnerabilities, needs in safety?
And of course, whether your basic goals are aligned. For example, if he wants you to live abroad while you are very sure that you do not want to leave your hometown, that can be a greater misalignment. Or if he says that he does not plan to have children at all, and you would like to have children, these are important long-term considerations. Other situations may also be uncertain, and it is difficult to know now how you will both react in the future.
So it is better to focus on compatibility in communication, interest, sympathy, and understanding each other, and whether you are able to support each other. I hope this helps,