In this counseling answer:
•The first and most important thing here is to turn to Allah and seek His forgiveness.
•You cannot go back to the past. You need to move on. But learn the lesson from this mistake for your future.
•Perhaps you might consider taking some time away, even if just for a short time, to be somewhere where you won’t face this constant reminder.
•If you still have suicidal thoughts, please seek immediate help from a local helpline.
As-Salamu Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,
The fact that you know you did wrong and it brings such guilt into your life is a good sign. It means that you know your behavior was wrong and, therefore, you will likely do all you can to avoid getting into this situation again.
At the moment it’s still fresh, it only happened a month ago and this is why it still hurt you so much. What makes it difficult is that you are faced with a constant reminder of it when you see your brother, so it feels like there is no escape from your sin. As distressing as it is right now, there is a way out of this, in sha Allah.
The first and most important thing here is to turn to Allah and seek His forgiveness. Never give up in turning to Him. He loves when people ask for His forgiveness and He loves to forgive. Turn to Him in the depths of the night and beg Him. Do so with the conviction that He is the Most Merciful and will forgive. Remember that He will forgive everything and find hope in that and thrive on this knowledge. This will help you to forgive yourself.
Beyond this, there are some other practical steps you can take to help yourself. Firstly, learn a lesson from this. This was a clear example of the dangers of being alone with a member of the opposite sex. Shaytan can easily work his way into this scenario and cause such terrible events to happen.
Having experienced this first hand now, it will be easier for you to avoid such situations in the future with anyone. The fear of Allah in the knowledge of His wisdom will push you away from any such situation to avoid having to go through the terrible experience and feelings that you are encountering now.
Also, right now, you have to face your brother all the time which makes it difficult for you to move on and forgive yourself. Perhaps you might consider taking some time away, even if just for a short time, to be somewhere where you won’t face this constant reminder. It will give you a chance to focus on asking for forgiveness, forgiving yourself and dealing with the emotions that you can’t seem to shake right now. Being alone and away from the situation will provide the ideal opportunity for this to happen.
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Once you are able to reach a more peaceful place, you will also be able to focus more on your studies. Of course, this doesn’t make what happened acceptable, but there is nothing you can do to go back and rewrite that now. Instead, you can correct your wrongs best by seeking forgiveness, and moving forward with the fear of Allah in your heart. This will help to combat the feelings of despair that you have been experiencing.
Although, you must understand that this process takes time too and to let go of such feelings will require much patience on your part, but with persistence, you can achieve it, in sha Allah.
May Allah forgive you and guide you to what is best and most acceptable in His eyes and bring your comfort in times of despair.
If you still have suicidal thoughts, please seek immediate help from a local helpline.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.