I have humiliated him by asking another person if they are having an affair. I now feel that I somehow lost his trust and respect.
The problem I have now is she also drives with him to work with 2 other people. I've asked him to not let her drive with him, but his argument now is that if I trust him she won’t be an issue.
Am I unreasonable for asking him to do that? And what can I do to fix things in my marriage. I know what I have done according Islam is so wrong. What else can I do?
In this counseling answer:
Accusing people without firm evidence is not acceptable in Islam.
Seek forgiveness from both Allah (swt) and your husband.
Your husband some time to get his trust back again.
Let him understand your concerns about the dangers of free mixing and its impressibility in Islam.
Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh dear sister,
You are correct that accusing people without firm evidence is not acceptable in Islam.
“Indeed, those who [falsely] accuse chaste, unaware and believing women are cursed in this world and the Hereafter; and they will have a great punishment” (Qur’an, 24:23)
Alhamdulilah, the fact that you have come forward to ask for advice on how to move forward makes it clear that you realize this.
Unfortunately, what has happened is having an impact on your marriage also, but you are seeking ways to try and make amends and fix these difficulties.
The first and most important thing to do is to seek forgiveness from both Allah (swt) and your husband for making such accusations and humiliating him.
Likewise, you may also consider apologizing to the woman also as such accusations might have had an impact on her own reputation, too. This is not easy and may be embarrassing, but keep in mind that you are doing this for the sake of pleasing Allah (swt).
This will make this task a lot lighter for you. Remember that Allah (swt) is The All-Merciful and loves to forgive, so continue to repent to Him and ask Him to forgive you for what you have done.
Once you have Allah (swt) in mind and the desire to please Him, through fear of His punishment, it will be a lot easier to ask the same of your husband and the woman you accused.
“Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (Qur’an, 39:53)
Understand that trust takes some time to build and even longer to rebuild after it has been broken as in this case. As a result, it is a situation that you will need to bear with patience.
It may take your husband some time to get his trust back again, especially if he is angry at you for what happened. Apologizing to him and doing your best to show your trust in him may help to build the trust a lot quicker.
“Say, “O My servants who have believed, fear your Lord. For those who do good in this world is good, and the earth of Allah is spacious. Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account.” (Qur’an, 39:10)
Regarding your current request that he doesn’t ride with this woman anymore might make building this trust again difficult; however, it is not unreasonable to request this.
Try to understand things from his perspective as to why he may behave so defensively in this situation.
He may think that you request this because you are still suspicious of his activities with this woman; therefore, it is a topic you need to broach with caution.
Islamically, there are concerns with him riding with another woman as it may be classed as free mixing and could potentially lead to haram things, even if it’s not just the two of them alone in the car.
But, given the current scenario, your request may just be seen as an extension of your past accusations and, therefore, not one that he will want to take seriously.
If you continue to request this of him, ensure to do it in a sensitive manner. Be clearer about why you are asking this of him, so he also understands your motives as to why you don’t want him to ride with her anymore.
Explain to him why you don’t like it so that he is not left thinking that is because you bare accusing him again. Explain to him that you are asking him not to ride with her as a protection to him, for the sake of Allah (swt).
Let him understand your concerns about the dangers of free mixing and its impressibility in Islam and that you request this of him because you love him for the sake of Allah and you want Allah (swt) to be pleased with him.
At the same time, remember that the more you accuse him, the more you will push him away and the more difficult it will make things for him and your relationship.
So, be careful about how you address the issue in a gentle way without being overly pushy. As the trust builds again, with patience, in sha’ Allah, he will be more open to listening to and understanding your request.
May Allah (swt) forgive you and bring peace and happiness back into your marriage and make you the coolness of each other’s eyes once more.
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