Does Dad Cheat on Mom?

30 November, 2016
Q Salam. I am very depressed of what I got to know recently that I shouldn’t have known. My dad has his personal laptop which no one uses except him and me (sometimes). I was looking for something on his computer and then I went into net settings and then website passwords (where all the passwords are saved without the users knowledge) and found some adult websites that were for meeting and “pleasure” (not porn sites). This is a grave sin! I got tears in my eyes when I saw them. I found around 7-8 of them. I feel really bad for my mom if he’s really cheating on her. I love my dad very much, but I don’t know how I am going to live after I found this out. I don’t want to tell this to mom because I don’t want bad relationship between them, but I can’t keep quiet either. I want my dad to be with me and my family in Jannah, in sha’Allah. Dear counselor, you are my only hope now as I don’t know any other trusted Muslim websites to ask for help. Please tell me what to do. I pray that I am wrong about all these things. JazakAllah kahyran.

Answer

Answer: 

As- Salamu ‘Alaikum dear brother, 

Thank you for writing to us. I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. I can only imagine how you must have felt after seeing those sites. As we hold our parents in the highest esteem, it often comes as a shock when we find out they may be doing something that is hurtful, harmful, and haram, especially when it may involve someone we love, in your case, you mom.

I would like to ask you, what made you go into these hidden settings? Did you suspect something before hand? Were you suspicious of online activity which prompted you to seek answers? While you stated the computer is your dad’s but that you use it sometimes, he must be aware that you have access to it. In this case, people who are doing haram online usually go to extra measures to conceal their tracks so no one will find out, especially if the computer is shared by others.

However, these factors are now irrelevant. You did find haram websites, and now it is hurting you and you are worried. I would like to suggest that you consider the following points, dear brother.

First, if you have access to the computer, others may too; others at home, even others who may borrow or use his computer at work, friends homes and so on. We cannot possibly know every place and every situation a person is in, especially our parents. Therefore, it could very well be that it was not your father, but someone else who accessed these websites.

Secondly, even if your father did access these websites, you cannot be sure what his reasons were (possibly helping a friend track down his wife who he thinks may be cheating; perhaps he was doing research on the subject etc.) While it may sound far-fetched to you, I do know that in doing research for my job, I must access sites for information on “why do people cheat”, for example. Now, should my children see these websites I went to, they may assume I want to cheat! However, this is not the case. My point is, while the sites you saw are haram and they are on your dad’s computer, you do not know for sure if your dad accessed them, nor do you know why. We cannot assume things, only Allah (swt) knows for sure. Allah *swt) is the one who sees into your Father’s mind and heart. We cannot judge or know what is to come. Allah (swt) is wise, just, fair and compassionate filled with Love and Mercy.

Additionally, dear brother, I would not suggest that you mention this to your mother or your father. As you do not know the truth, it could only cause undue grief, sadness, suspicions, as well as harm to your parents’ relationship. However, until you have the concrete proof, you should not be suspicious of him nor should you go looking for proof that he is having an affair. Leave things to Allah (swt), brother, and in time the truth will be revealed. Perhaps, not to you, but between your parents as if there is something haram going on (and we do not know if there is). It is between them.

Also, I will add that your mom is not totally unaware if there is something going on. As women, we do notice changes in our husband’s, we do sense when something is not right. So, in reality, IF there is something going on which is haram, your mom probably already has her own suspicions. My suggestion is to let them work it out as it is between them as a married couple. I understand your concern, dear brother, for your parents, your family, and your concern for being with your dad, in sha’ Allah, in Jannah. However only Allah (swt) knows what is truly going on.

Additionally, as you know, Allah (swt) is most merciful and most forgiving; with shirk at the time of death being the only unforgivable sin. In sha’ Allah, dear brother, IF your dad is indeed accessing these sites, he will soon realize that it is not worth the risk of possibly losing the favor of Allah (swt) or worth possibly losing his wife and hurting his family.

I suggest you make du’aa’ for your father that, IF he is accessing these sites, Allah (swt) touches his heart and guides him on the right path. I also suggest that you try to put this out of your mind; don’t keep checking up on the computer settings to see if “new sites have been accessed” as it will only cause you to become obsessed with this and more depressed. I suggest that you put this matter before Allah (swt) and leave it with Allah (swt). Go on with your life and daily activities, knowing that Allah (swt) will work things out.

May Allah (swt) bless you dear brother for your righteous concern and love for your family.  Please let us know how you are doing. You are in our prayers.

Salam,

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.