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What to Do When Husband is Abusive?

05 January, 2017
Q As-Salamu ‘Alaykum. I am very confused about my husband; I don't know who he is anymore. He betrayed me and keeps lying. Every day, I find out something new, and in addition, his family hates me. Maybe, it’s because they think I should give up on my education and have babies every year and I said no. I need help as my husband has done so much that I don't think I can take it anymore. However, my mother says to be patient because I got kids and she wouldn't trust them with another man. So, basically, I am stuck. I prayed istikharah, I cried a lot to Allah and tried my best to be patient, but I can't anymore. It’s just too much. It causes me health and mental problems. My husband locks his phone; he hides stuff from me and bad mouths me and my family. I have to beg him to buy basic food or give me money to pay the bills. He is abusive when it comes to sex; it has to be his way and I can't say no. Once he even pushed me while I was on the toilet. (I am pregnant with my third child.) I found out he talks to a lot of women, including his best friend’s wife. She told me she set him up with her cousin and that he would divorce me when the baby comes. He said this himself, too! He sleeps in his own room, texts me when he wants sex only and locks the room most the time. In addition, my husband supports his family financially; he pays his dad, aunt, sister, and brother insurance while they work. However, he gets so mad and irritated when I ask him to buy my kids food or cloths while he knows I don't work now and we don't receive any help from the government. He even gets jealous of my mom for being close to my daughters. I only pray to Allah. I don't know what else to do because the situation is getting worse and I have two kids and one on the way. My mom says to be patient and stay in the relationship for the kids’ sake. My dad says to get out of this marriage and leave everything to Allah. I need help, please!

Answer

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaikum As-Salam Sister,

I very much understand and empathize with what you have been experiencing. Women are given mixed messages and it can be difficult to know what to do. Indeed, there may be a huge discrepancy between what is ideal and what is really happening.

If you are being physically abused, then you will not be able to function as a mother. Nowhere in scripture are women taught to stay in a situation where she is in danger or where her children might be in danger. Your mother means well. If you are close to your mother, then she likely very much wants you to have a happy marriage, and it might be too painful for her to accept that you are in a very bad and scary situation right now. So yes, be patient, but not by staying in a dangerous situation. Slow down, be patient with your mother, and reach out to your father for help.

We do not know why your husband is behaving so badly. He may be using drugs or he may have a mental illness. Staying in a bad situation will not help your husband and it will not change him. I realize this is a very difficult time for you to do what you must do as this is a time when you are the most vulnerable. But first and foremost, get yourself safe. If you feel that you are in any kind of danger, then call the women’s shelters and work out a plan with them. If you are not in immediate danger, but you are in danger of neglect and of not being able to provide for your children, then start reaching out to friends and family who are willing to help without judging you.

Separating yourself from the negative energy is a must because you need your strength to keep yourself together and to be a mother to your children. Don’t pay any attention to what your husband has been doing. If he has a mental illness or if he is using drugs, he is likely to be hypersexual and will likely have risky sex with other women. He has no right to put you in danger of catching a disease. You have a right to get yourself into a safe situation, and you must focus on caring for yourself and you babies.

Call your father and set up a time to talk with him and ask him for help. Start connecting with supportive friends now. Begin to develop your safety plan and your strategies for self care. If your husband is going to get well, he is going to do so because he is choosing to get well. By stepping away from him and letting him be who and what he is, while also protecting yourself from any harm, is the way to increase the probability that he will seek help.

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We do not know how things will unfold in the future. It is good to keep the lines of communication open with your husband over time. You are actually supporting his recovery by taking a step back and taking care and focusing on yourself only. If possible, find someone who is willing to be an intermediary so that you can communicate about money, household needs, and the care of the children. This way, you can remove yourself from arguments.

If possible, stay with your parents until the baby is born or find a nurturing environment where you will not be judged, you will not have to make any decisions about your marriage, you will have your needs met, and you can focus on yourself and the kids. If this is not possible, see if you can negotiate a situation with your husband: he will agree to leave you alone emotionally and physically, allow you to reach out to a support system and put any marriage decisions on hold, and provide for you what he can, while you agree to not pay attention to who he is with or what he is doing and to focus on taking care of yourself and the babies. This only works in a situation where the man is not violent and can be trusted not to go into a rage, or where the couple is able to be in the same home without angry arguments. If you do not have these conditions, then it is best to stay with family or friends who love you until you can get your situation sorted out.

You are not alone. This happens to so many women. This is not your fault. Take things one day at a time and think things through very slowly as you make your decisions. Keep your phone numbers and phone very close to you at all times and mentally consider how you will leave if things erupt and you have to leave in a hurry with your baby. Make sure you discuss this with someone, such as your father, as soon as you can so that you have a real safety plan if you need it.

 Salam,

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