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Parents Becoming Violent with Each Other

15 November, 2016
Q Salam `alaykum. Thank you for providing this section on your site because I am in need of help. A sad thing happened a few days ago here at home. The issue was about sending money to relatives oversees. My parents have a joint bank account. My mother wanted my father to go to the bank and send money to a relative. My father didn't really want to and complained. So no money was sent that day. My mother was very angry the next morning and they argued. Later in the day my father changed his mind and asked how much to send. But then the situation went out of control. My mother was still angry and snapped back to send no money, then proceeded to accuse my dad of infidelity and saying she heard from a certain source that he had relations with another woman. She even said that she can ask that source for proof and would expose him and leave him. At this point my father snapped and started to yell and lost control, yelling that it was all lies. It got even worse and he started hitting her on the head. He couldn't stop because he even grabbed a pan and wanted to hit her. Alhamdulillah, my sister and my sibling were home. Alhamdulillah I was able to restrain him. My sibling got my mother out of the apt. But my father wasn't calm; he wanted to go after her. It took me long to get his anger down. He was insulted, angry, and even had tears. He yelled that she wanted to break the family apart, called her a liar, and that she broke the family. This was all before my mother had to leave for work shortly. I was still in shock but went to check on my mother. She just seemed very angry and left for work. She stormed off and didn't really answer when I asked her if she was ok. Now, my parents haven't talked in 3 days. My father sleeps in his room, my mother with my sibling, and I in the living room. But the weekend is approaching soon. I don't know how to deal with this. I think I am still in a shock. I talked to my mother privately and she told me that she would separate. I don't know how to respond or what to do. My parents had arguments but never out of control. They have always been devoted to our nuclear family. I am now out of college but haven't got a job yet due to some personal issues with confidence/lack of experience. My sibling is still in college. My mother said that as soon as I was able to get a job we should all move out and leave my father. I also talked to my father, more so than to my mother because I was scared for him too. He was so angry and in turmoil that I thought he might have a heart attack. After a day or two after this incident he seemed depressed and told that he knew we would never look at him the same way that it was probably better if he passed sooner. He told that life with a broken family is a very sad life. I don't know but I guess he was extremely offended that my mother would tell an untrue story that he had relations with another woman in front of the children. I don't sleep much and I am now nervous when they are home at the same time (but in separate rooms). I think my dad would like to talk to my mother but she is of course angry and I'm guessing scared. Perhaps he doesn't get the seriousness of what happened or hopes that this can pass and the family can be one again. It's so strange to even start talking about it to them separately. So I thought of going to a public place to talk to my father seriously. I want to tell him that things would probably not be the same and that he should not expect my mother to just make up. But I also want to tell him that I would not just cut off relations with him because I believe that I have a duty to both parents in Islam. And I also want to ask WHY that accusation made him snap. He gets angry easily but not violent so I think he needs to fix that. His English is not that great so I don't know if anger management classes would help plus it's viewed as taboo. It is still so shocking and sad to think about this. Should I do all this? I don't know if this is just my preference but I don't think they should talk yet. I am sorry for this long story but there is not anyone else I can talk to about this. This is very taboo in our immigrant community. My parents aren't religious and I don't know if a Sheikh would be confidential. What can I do for my mother? What for my father? I feel weak but I do my best to pray. Thank you and please pray for me and my family for Allah's protection and mercy.

Answer

Maryam Bachmeier
15 November, 2016

Answer:

Wa `Alaikum As-Salam Sister,

I can feel how scary this must be for you, and how very much you love both of your parents. Your heart is definitely in the right place. It is possible that your parents have had some problems for quite awhile. It is difficult to determine what is really happening with them based on this argument. But it is clear that there is a risk of further domestic violence.

However, this does not mean that the marriage is lost. We don’t know what is in either your mother’s heart of hearts or your father’s heart of hearts. Marriages can go through a lot. Your parents have a long history. I have watched couples separate and return to each other with more devotion to each other, so all is not lost. Don’t lose hope. Yet you are wise to prepare for the worse.

You wanted to know what to say to your parents, if anything, and whether or not you have a role to play in this situation. You actually can do a lot to ease the tension.

You can let each parent know that you can be there to listen to them. You will want to make it clear to both of them that you would keep what they say confidential and that if they try to ask you what the other parent told you, that you will not participate in that. You will also want to tell them that you cannot be their counselor because you are their daughter and you are emotionally involved. You have a right to tell them how you feel also.

For safety sake, it might be wise to separate for now just to give each other space. You mother is angry right now, but after a while, those angry feelings will cool off, and she will likely want to work on the marriage. This is the most common response. It will take a few months to know what either of your parents really wants. In the meantime, you are doing the right thing by being emotionally supportive to both of them and not taking sides. Even if your father did have an affair, we still wouldn’t know the whole story behind what is bothering them.

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In a situation like this, anger management isn’t really the intervention that will save the marriage. It can be helpful, and we can all benefit from learning better coping skills. Your father does need some help, but it won’t resolve the core issues that your parents are having.

Marriage counseling would be most helpful in a situation like this. So many marriage problems have their root in communication problems. If your parents have had misunderstanding over the years, these may have grown into bigger issues as reactions and behaviors resulting from misperceptions one of the other can cause some very serious trouble in a marriage. You and I do not know what these issues are.

If your parents are not open to seeing a counselor, perhaps they would be willing to talk with someone at an Islamic community center. Since they are in the USA, they might be assured and made to feel comfortable with this kind of help.

Remember, whatever your parents decide to do with their life, it is for their own soul growth. You are in a culture and at a time where you can focus on your life and explore what you need to do for yourself in order to continue with your own personal path.

Though I do recommend being a friend to both parents, I also suggest that you are careful not to get over involved or to lose yourself in the situation. Simply support them on an emotional level, regardless of what they decide to do and then let go of the situation and the outcome.

Allah (swt) will take care of you and your parents. We cannot always understand why things are happening when they are happening. But there is always a reason. Make sure you are taking care of yourself first. Find a safe person to process your own emotions with. This is a very stressful time for you, so make sure you take care of you first. You cannot help anyone or be present for anyone, unless you take care of yourself.

Second, ask your sibling to talk and give your sibling an opportunity and some space to process what is happening in a private confidential and safe environment with you.

And yes, if you can get your father to open up to you, he may need to talk. This may be a critical moment for him. Middle aged men in the USA who are depressed and facing divorce have a high rate of being at risk for suicide. I don’t want to scare you and I am not implying that your father is suicidal. However, it would be good to do a “check in” with him.

If he is willing to open up to you and talk to you, then when the window of opportunity opens for you to suggest something, and you believe he might be receptive, then suggest counseling. Counseling usually includes anger management, but it also offers a safe place to look at personal issues and the work is on a deeper level. It sounds like he could use this. He may need a safe place to cry, so by spending time with him he might be able to release this tension.

When you are with your mother, she will likely want to process, process, and process. Just let her talk, even if her tone of voice is animated, angry, with pressured speech and loud. Just let her be that way until she gets it all out. Don’t interrupt her or judge what she is saying. You are not there to solve her problems, but to just listen and let her vent and get it all out. This might help a lot.

If she has an opportunity to process, then her anger will die down. Her mind will become clearer. Then, if she feels that she wants to talk with your father, she will be better able to do this in a more productive manner.

In families that are not used to counseling, a family intervention like this can make a huge difference for the better. If this initial crisis can be de-escalated, then the probability of cooperation between your parents will increase and this is good regardless of whether they divorce or decide to reconcile.

You are a wonderful and dedicated daughter. You should be commended for having such a caring and compassionate heart. Just keep your own relationships with all your family members as healthy as you can. I pray that this has been helpful to you in some way. Let me know how things turn out.

Salam,

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