The Immodest Desires of My Daughter

04 September, 2018
Q As-salamu AlaykumI have a question regarding my 15-year-old daughter and the proper appearance for Muslims. My daughter, Alhamdu lillah, attends an Islamic high school where she wears the mandated school uniform. A part of this uniform is the correct prohibition of make-up, perfume and jewelry. However lately, she started asking me to allow her to wear these things in her free time, out of school. I cannot agree with her, for myself as her mother I do not wear any of those things!I do not think a modest school-aged Muslimah should wear them. I caught my daughter wearing lipstick and nail polish without my permission, and I strictly prohibited her to use them. But she keeps fighting with me, and I am tired of all this! Also, she started wearing shorter hijabs, and I do not think they cover well enough. So right now I am buying her only plain, very modest, wrist-length khimar but she complains! Should I allow her to wear  make-up, perfume, and jewelry as she grows up? Jazakum Allahu Khayran


In this counseling answer:

The counselor advises the questioner to be kind to her daughter because approach the children by ordering them in a tough manner such as yelling, threatening or in anger, it turns them off. Her daughter could be affected by many outside factors like her belief, peer pressure, the environment around her: neighbors, relatives, T.V. So the mother have to put all these factors into mind and work with her daughter with tender love and care.

 As salamu `alaykum sister,

As a mother, I understand your concern, but we always have to remember the Prophet (PBUH) and his methods of da`wah (inviting others to Islam). It took him 23 years to complete his mission with patience. So the wisdom behind this is that our children deserve that the most. When we approach them by ordering them in a
tough manner such as yelling, threatening or in anger, it turns them off, and they don’t understand/see behind that toughness’  that there is love and fear for them.

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Just remember when you were a teenager how you perceived orders from your parents. Your daughter is affected by many outside factors at this point:

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1-How strong is her aqeedah (creed/belief)? Sometimes we take it for granted that because our children are going to Islamic schools that it is enough, definitely not. We still need to talk to them and instill taqwa (piety) in their hearts.

2-Peer pressure.  Who are your daughter’s friends? If her friends are doing it she is most likely to do the same.

3-The environment around her: neighbours, relatives etc. Does she watch T.V.

You have to put all these factors into mind and work with her with tender love and care. Explain to her without ordering her why she should not, use the technique of targheeb (strong advice) and tarheeb (warnings). Give her examples from the, Qur`an like:

{O Prophet! say to your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers that they let down upon them their over-garments; this will be more proper, that they may be known, and thus they will not be given trouble; and Allah is Forgiving, Merciful} (Al- Azhab 33: 59).

The protection that Allah granted those that wore the hijab properly and by wearing it one is recognized as a person and not as an object. And then there is adornment:

{“And say to the believing women that they cast down their looks and guard their private parts and do not display their ornaments except what appears thereof, and let them wear their head-coverings over their bosoms, and not display their ornaments except to…” }(Al-Nur 24: 31)

Have her join youth halaqa’ And don’t forget the number 1 tool you have is making da`wah for her in every form that Allah accepts du`aa’ the most, sujud, after prayers.



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