She knows how I feel about it. I do not condone her doing this at all yet she went behind my back and swore to me she and her boyfriend were not having any sexual acts. So now that I don’t know what should I do? I am hurt and feel disrespected. I have no one to talk to and when I try talking to her she screams at me and tells me that she doesn't want to talk about it and to leave her alone. Please help
In this counseling answer:
• You can approach her and the relationship between both of you as one of friendship.
• By taking this approach, you may insha’Allah start to gain her trust and in turn, she may open up to you and start confiding in you about her choices.
• I would kindly advise sister that you cease with the questions, the warnings and confrontations, it is only producing negative results and stressing you out further. Instead, let it go for now. Surprise her. Take her out for lunch or dinner and enjoy her company. Don’t bring up anything related to what is going on, but just talk in general.
Shokran for writing to us with your concerns about your daughter. I can imagine your hurt and pain concerning this sister, especially as you raised her Islamically and hold her to these standards. Unfortunately, as she is 16, there is little that you can do at this point in terms of intervention. At 16 as you know, hormones are running high, especially if there is one that she has feelings for.
While I am not clear on whether or not she is actually having sex, or it is something you fear-but also do not know, perhaps sister she is not. Only your daughter and Allah knows. The point is, she is doing haram by even having a boyfriend.
Sister, You have already taught her correctly and she is at the age where Islamically you are to act more as a friend to her now. Of course, you will always be her mother and provide guidance and still try to help her to make good choices but at this age, she has made her choices and while they are hurtful, they are her choices. At this point, telling her over and over your objections as well about the haram things she is doing will only push her away from you further. Insha’Allah, rather your goal may be to bring her closer to you.
You can approach her and the relationship between both of you as one of friendship. By doing this, you are of course still her mom, but you are changing the way the relationship is directed. By taking this approach, you may insha’Allah start to gain her trust and in turn, she may open up to you and start confiding in you about her choices. As you cannot prevent her from carrying out her choices, you can insha’Allah, gain an “in” by being the one who still loves her, still accepts her, provides a listening ear and will still be by her side even though her choices are wrong. This does not by any means indicate you approve.
It does, however, give you leverage to influence her insha’Allah by taking out of the equation the “authority/parental figure” and replacing it with a “friend/parental” figure, whom she can eventually confide in insha’Allah. This may prove to be more beneficial in the long run when trying to guide her back to the right path.
While it is understandable that you feel disrespected my dear sister, it may be that she lied or kept if from you as 1-it is haram and 2-she did not want to hurt nor disappoint you. As she did lie to cover it up and she does get upset when you press her with questions, it is kind of a good thing (though lying is haram) because it shows she has a conscious, it shows she feels shame, and if she does then she still knows in her heart that what she is doing is wrong.
I would kindly advise sister that you cease with the questions, the warnings and confrontations, it is only producing negative results and stressing you out further. Instead, let it go for now. If she did want to talk to you about it, she somehow cannot because she knows that what she is doing is wrong, and she knows how you will react. Surprise her. Take her out for lunch or dinner and enjoy her company. Don’t bring up anything related to what is going on, but just talk in general.
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Often times once we let go of a hurt, anger, fear or disappointment -we can see a different picture, or open up a new dialogue that can lead to a resolution. Perhaps what she needs right now is a good friend. One who truly has her best interests at heart. As her mom, I am confident that at her age, you can be that for her as well as help her make wiser choices as your relationship with her grows in a new direction.
Insha’Allah dear sister you will be able to reach your daughter on a different level. It will take a lot of patience and strength on your part because I know this is most hurtful as this is your daughter and you love her so much and want the best for her. The teen years are not always easy. Many parents do go through this situation sister with their teens, as sexual desire is a natural and strong feeling.
In most cases teens tend to return from haram ways and reconnect with their Islam, repenting for any sinful behaviors and Allah is most merciful and loves to forgive. With your love and gentle encouragement, I am sure your daughter will return to following Islamic principles insha’Allah as well as be thankful to Allah that she has you as her mother.
In the meantime dear sister, please try to do good things for yourself as you are under a lot of stress. Try spending social times with a friend (or make new friends), exercise, eat good healthy foods, take a course or hobby that you enjoy, go to the Masjid for prayer and Islamic events. Focus on your relationship with Allah by making dua, reading Qur’an and doing dhzikr. In Allah, our hearts do find peace. You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.