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My Sisters Do Not Treat Me Well; I Feel Hurt

15 July, 2022
Q As salamu 'alaykum. My question concerns older siblings. I am the youngest of 8 kids. My father passed away. I live with an older sister who is married, and my mother. My relationship with my sisters is dwindling into nothing. We have been having lots of fights, one big enough to drive me away from home, and I had to move to another state with a relative. After about 6 months, I returned (I really had to put aside my pride), and we patched up things. It's not only just one sister, but two of them. All I know is that I may be partly to blame, however, I was not in it by myself, rather they took part in it too. I admit that I used to be very defensive, and I thought that everyone was there to get at me. But, I think I have changed lately, and I just want to be at peace with almost everyone. I have admitted my mistakes, and I am willing to move on. I was hurt, and if I were to hold onto a grudge, then I know we would never have a better relationship. But, my two sisters don't think the same; especially one of them (the younger of the two), who never seem to stop reminding me of my past mistakes. I don't reciprocate by telling her all that she has done to me. I am made to feel guilty all the time, and to look like the bad guy. They have had their share of mistakes that hurt me a lot, but I am praying to Allah (SWT), to help me get by without hating any of them, in sha 'Allah. The older one of the two is more subtle, and doesn't really remind me of my mistakes, however she has told me countless times that she will not partake in any sisterly activities with me, stay out of my life, and would not help me with anything. I have seen her live up to her words, and sometimes would point blankly refuse to help me when I ask her for assistance. Yet, sometimes, she contradicts herself, and does tremendous things for me, that touches me. My older sister said she would not stand for me on my wedding day. In our family, we value a beautiful wedding where the sisters and the brothers participate, and help in wedding arrangements. For her to say this, only meant that she wants nothing to do with me – yet I wonder if she is bluffing. My mother told me to give them space, and to never ask them for anything. I hurt because they are my sisters, and I value a close relationship with them. Lately, that relationship is disappearing, and it hurts me. In reality, I would say that I have the same right to treat them the way they treat me by cutting them out of my heart. But I have a soft heart, and I just can't seem to do that or say anything alienating, like what they said to me. They throw hurtful words at me, and I am piling them all up without throwing a few of my own. This has been going on for months, and I do my best not to say anything that would give them the excuse to hate me or cut me off. not to say anything that would give them the excuse to hate me or cut me off. Am I a weak person? Do you think I have the right to say hurtful things to them when they say these things to me? Should I work on creating a cold heart as a barrier, and cut them out of my heart? What do you think I should do? Please help!

Answer

As salamu ‘alaykum  to you too my dear child.

You do indeed have a soft heart, and you have every right to try and protect it, but you would not be protecting it by behaving as they do. Getting hurt is just one of those things that help us to become better people as we grow in self understanding, and therefore understanding of others.

Once your heart goes cold, it is like not exercising the muscles in your leg, and finding out one day as you get up, that you can not walk, or that you can walk very little. By keeping the heart open we learn to be honest with ourselves, and not only that, we also are able to receive and give love, which is very important in a marital relationship.

My dear child, you are in your mid-teens, hence you are going through emotional ups and downs.

This makes you vulnerable to the words of other, particularly when your emotional developmen very much yearns to belong, to be considered, and to be appreciated. You are more a social being than a cognitive one at the moment, so therefore you are going through an emotional, and psychological change. Because of this, you are volatile, and as you have admitted, you are partly to blame. This means that you are going through changes in perception of reality, and so you are bound to be sensitive more than normal.

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Your mothers reaction to what is going on, indicates that she considers the two sisters concerned to be in the wrong in terms of how they are treating you, and you feel that you do not deserve the treament that you are getting. In between the two, is the balance, which may not seem apparent to you, but is trying to find its way. For instance, look at your older sister, who says on the one hand that she willl do nothing for you, and then on the other hand, she does wonderful things for you.

It might seem contradictory to you, but all it says is that regardless of how she feels sometimes, you are still her sister. You just have to be patient and give it some time, and your mother’s suggestion about giving them some space, is a good idea. Give them a chance to get over what happened, and do not spoil you resolve to not throw hurtful words back, because then you know what will happen  about giving them some space, is a good idea. Give them a chance to get over what happened, and do not spoil you resolve to not throw hurtful words back, because then you know what will happen then!

On guiding the nafs, Sheikh Fadhlalla Haeri tells us:

“One set of ayat in the Qur`an relates to the nafs guiding itself, with Allah’s permission, towards right action. These verses show us that guidance comes from within. “And there are signs within your souls” (Qur`an 21:51). God tells us that no nafs experiences faith and trust except by God’s decree, that is, by His permission and design. There is another ayat that states: ‘Say that you are not the originator of any good or bad(outcomes) for yourselves’ (Qur`an 7:188). In other words, everything comes to us from Allah; we merely filter it through to ourselves, with the option that we accept it or reject it as an experience.

In another verse we are shown the inner technology to cope with what we are given in this world” As for your younger sister, she is young, just like you, and may hold grudges for a while, but as she too will change, so will her expressed feeling towards you change. Next time a hurtful word is said, just let them know in a considerate way, that their words hurt you, but you forgive them; or just ask them, what was it like when they were your age? I know it all seems hard on you, and you think that the current situation will never change, but time will put this all behind you, so why not begin now, by being the sister that you want them to be.

About Hwaa Irfan
Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.