Children Force Mother to Do What They Want!

03 September, 2020
Q As-salam alaykum, I'm very hot-tempered. A diabetic patient and some other diseases. Children don't obey, do not properly pray or read the Quran. My husband has passed away and children want me to do as they say. When I get angry with them I curse them. They are always forcing me to do what they say, may it be family matters or anything.

They do what they like. Oldest is 25 and youngest is 9 (six daughters and one son). Three daughters are married. Two of these married ones also interfere. Please Do give me advice.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•I will kindly suggest that you stop cursing them. Allah does not want us to curse our children and Allah will not answer your type of requests.

•You are still the parent, this is your home, and you will run things the way that you feel is proper.

•Express your appreciation for their input but make it clear you will decide on final outcomes.

•Make a very strong point of the fact that you are the parent, and the one in charge.

•By taking back control of your household insha’Allah, your children will begin to let go of the “power” they feel they have over you.


As salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear you are having problems with your children. As I understand, you are a diabetic patient and your spouse passed away.

Now your children feel that you should do as they say. I can imagine that all of this is very hard on you.

First of all, you lost your spouse. You have diabetes which is a challenge in itself, and your children don’t obey nor do they pray or read the Koran. That must really hurt as I am sure you have raised them all in a very solid Islamic home.

Loss of Independence-Regaining Control

I can imagine that it is difficult to have your some of your Independence taken away as you are a diabetic patient. Having an illness or a condition that needs to be managed can be stressful.

Often help is needed. However, rather than just helping, it seems that your children are now trying to take over the household.

You state that they try to force you to do what they say and that this makes you very angry.

Children Force Mother to Do What They Want! - About Islam

In response you curse them. While I understand that this would make you angry, and more so it probably hurts, I will kindly suggest that you stop cursing them. Allah does not want us to curse our children and Allah will not answer your type of requests.

While I understand you do not mean it and it is probably just a reaction from a point of intense frustration and anger, it still is not an Islamic thing to do. There are other ways of dealing with them and regaining control over your household.

I am not sure if the older children live with you or if they live on their own. If they live with you, you may wish to tell them (not when you are angry) that you are still the parent, this is your home, and you will run things the way that you feel is proper.

You can kindly suggest to them if they don’t like the way that you run your home that they don’t have to come over (or live there).

I’m sure that this statement may shock them and possibly make them feel hurt but insha’Allah it is one that will get their attention. Your children love you very much and seek to help. I am sure that they do not want to move out or stop coming over.


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I am sure that you do not want this either. However, your authoritative statement may make them realize that they are overstepping their boundaries.

Your children may feel that this is the best way to take care of you and to help out, when in fact it is hurting you. Many of their decisions are not in alignment with the way you wish to live.

Communication

I kindly advise that you do acknowledge your love for them as well as your appreciation of their efforts to help. They need to know however, that this is still your home and things will be run the way that you see fit.

Insha’Allah, express your appreciation for their input but make it clear you will decide on final outcomes. Make a very strong point concerning the respect of being the parent, and being the one in charge.

While they are trying to help you because you do have diabetes and your spouse has passed away, please do show them some mercy and some kindness in their efforts.

I’m sure they are doing it out of love. Perhaps when there is a time of calm, you can sit down with all of your children and make a list of the things that they are doing or saying that is not appropriate.

Discuss each point with them from a loving perspective stating you understand that they’re trying to help, however, this will not continue. Take each point and discuss what is wrong with the point and ask them not to repeat the errors. Inform them that the home rules will be followed.

Guidance and Duaa

In regards to their not praying properly or reading the Qur’an, sadly some of your children are grown and there is nothing that you can do about that.

At this point, as your children are older according to Islamic principles you are to be more of a friend to them concerning their guidance. Please do make duaa for them that they do start to pray properly and that they do start to read the Qur’an.

Duaa is our most powerful weapon. Allah listens to our duaa’s and He answers them. As for the younger ones, gentle reminders and encouragement will help insha’Allah.

Inshallah, you will have the comfort of knowing that you did your best and now the only thing you can do regarding this is to pray to Allah.

It is their responsibility as young adults and children. They were raised in a righteous manner it is now upon them to be accountable.

As the youngest is 9 and the oldest is 25, insha’Allah the older ones can help guide the younger. If not, try to get the younger ones more involved at the Masjid and with practicing Muslim friends.

By taking back control of your household insha’Allah, your children will begin to let go of the “power” they feel they have over you.

Again, while it may seem as if they are running amuck, it may actually just be that they are worried and are trying to do the best they can by “running” everything. Set the boundaries, be consistent and insha’Allah there will soon be a balance in your home once again.

You are in our prayers.

Salams,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.