She starts to cry if I get angry at her and raise my voice, and then I get angry with myself. I'm not sure if doing the right thing or not. I want her to be a special person, a good one in religion, manners, culture—everything.
She is having problems with being alone all the time. When we see our friends, she loves to play with their kids, and that is okay, but she has started to copy them in everything they do. She is afraid that if she does not do that they will leave her.
I have tried to talk to her, but she never listens. I really know what it feels like to be alone, especially in this country. I feel that she doesn't have any self-confidence.
In this counseling answer:
•Developing your daughter’s self-confidence is important. You can help this by listening to her and praising her good ideas, work, and behavior.
•Give her independent chores and activities to do in your home.
•Give her opportunities to make choices with you.
•Most importantly, practice Islam together. If you do not already do so, pray as a family, read Qur’an as a family, and discuss the Hadith and the Sunnah of the Prophet
As-salamu `alaykum, dear sister.
One of the best gifts we can give is to help our children develop a love of Islam right from the beginning and, in sha’ Allah, this will bring all of the other aspects of their lives into the right path.
One of the problems parents face in trying to do this, is that we often do not know where, when, or how to begin. One of the most important ways to begin is to look at how our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) spoke to and acted with children and others in his life.
We know that he treated children with the utmost kindness, teaching them through play in a very soft-spoken and amusing manner. He listened to them with respect. He got down on the ground and played with them. Now, let us look at how to apply this to our lives today.
It is very important that we set guidelines and rules for our children to follow. Choose a maximum of five or six things that you feel need some improvement then sit with your daughter in a pleasant place and discuss them briefly with her. Together, come up with a rule.
For example, if you want your daughter to keep her toys and other things neat, then discuss that first. Talk about why our things have to be kept in a certain way—to keep them in good condition, because of limited space, and so on. Then show her how to put them away properly.
After this, you can set up a certain time that this must be done by, say an hour before bedtime. Whatever time you choose, you and your daughter should do a bedroom check together—of your room and hers! That’s right, you have to set the example of a clean room, otherwise she will never follow the rule.
Make sure that the rules you set up cover a general behavior; for example, putting things away, rather than having three different rules for putting clothes away, putting toys away, and putting books away. This makes the rules easier to follow and they will become a lifelong habit.
Once you have set up this system, you will not need to yell at her. Set up a reward for when the rules are followed. If the rules are not followed, remind her of the rule quietly and calmly.
Make a second reminder, then finally explain that she will not get the reward for that rule if she breaks it. Be consistent and firm, yet kind and loving. By the way, be careful not to break the rules yourself! Teach by example.
Check out this counseling video
Boasting her self-confidence
Developing your daughter’s self-confidence is important. You can help this by listening to her and praising her good ideas, work, and behavior.
Give her independent chores and activities to do in your home. This will help her to see herself as responsible, and not just following your instructions. Give her opportunities to make choices with you.
For example, “Shall we make spaghetti or chicken for papa’s dinner tonight?” Make sure the things she has to choose from are things you are willing to do.
As her personality develops at home, you should notice some changes when she is with her friends. You can encourage her to suggest some games or activities to do when she is with them.
Most importantly, practice Islam together. If you do not already do so, pray as a family, read Qur’an as a family, and discuss the Hadith and the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).
Set aside a time each evening to learn a new du`aa’ or memorize a verse or two of Qur’an. This is the time to make Islam part of her heart.
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