I have tried to sit down with her and have a civil conversation with her but she refuses to. She yells instantly and takes offense to everything and starts cursing and plays the victim. My whole family is fed up with her. She does the same with my brothers and my father. She doesn’t respect any of us especially my father.
She curses all of us. She’s very unreasonable. She will say mean things to hurt the other person and if we react she yells, even more, saying we have to respect her no matter what because she is our mother. But the truth is we have all lost respect for her. My brother doesn’t even talk to her. I still do everything for my mom I help her in every way but she is never satisfied.
She doesn’t appreciate it she says it’s my duty to help her which I know it is but I crave affection and compassion from her which she does not give. She is constantly comparing herself to me if I say I am sick she will say she is more sick getup. Or she will degrade me in order to accept a proposal I do not like. She degrades me to the point where I fill like committing suicide. And then claims she does it because she wants me to settle down and this is the only way.
Telling me I’m dark and short (I’m not even dark or short) and guys are rejecting me because I’m not pretty and I never will get someone good it’s too late for me and how I should think what bad deed I did to get this punishment. And she thinks it’s because I talk back to her why I’m not married. But really she makes it impossible to not talk back. I can’t reason with her.
Doctors have recommended she see a therapist and take anxiety and mood medicine but she refuses. She never sees her fault. She refuses to sit and talk with any of us. Will Allah forgive me for talking back? I ask for forgiveness and then I do it again.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Walk away without saying anything back at all giving her no fuel to argue back with. It will also give you the space to take a breather and not live with any regrets for saying bad words also.
•Say something kind to her during the day when she is just going about her usual business. This will also lift her own self-esteem which seems may also be lacking.
•Take time to focus on yourself. Get out of the home and do the things you enjoy.
•Do things and be with people that make you feel good about yourself to give your self-esteem the lift that it needs.
Assalamu alaikum Wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
It sure is a difficult situation when the one you love dearly, in this case, your mother, is so abusive you. If it were a stranger or even a friend, it would be much easier to walk away, but this is close blood kin. Of course, as your mother, you must respect her as she says, however, this does not give her the position to treat you the way she is.
The doctors are correct, it very much looks like she would benefit from seeing a therapist, as would the entire family. However, if she refuses to attend at this point it becomes much of a challenge. Whilst she may not feel like attending now this may be because she feels pressured to by others.
In situations like this, it is more ideal to create a situation where she will choose to go herself. She is more likely to follow through and commit this way. This will require a bit of patience on your side for now as she reaches that point. As it is, the situation is not conducive to her making this choice so there are some things you can try to facilitate this.
Try changing the way you deal with her. Of course the natural response when someone says something offensive is to respond back. If the words said were hurtful then generally the response back is also hurtful. However, the best response and one that is prescribed Islamically is to respond with something better or to not respond at all. This does not indicate that the things she says are OK, but it prevents a downwards negative spiral from occur and the insults just becoming worse.
It can be incredibly difficult to respond to evil with kindness, but the results can be quite unbelievable, after all if someone said kind words to you it would feel pretty strange to say something bad to them, right? Besides, how can she continue to be mean to you if you are only kind to her?
The other option is to quietly walk away without saying anything back at all giving her no fuel to argue back with. It will also give you the space to take a breather and not live with any regrets for saying bad words also. This goes for the other family members too so as not to reinforce her negative behaviour more.
Alternatively, as it is difficult to respond with kind in the heat of an argument, instead make this act of kind be outside of this. Say something kind to her during the day when she is just going about her usual business. This will also lift her own self-esteem which seems may also be lacking. In fact, it may be that the reason she does put you down is a way of lifting herself up, so instead, bring her up before she can bring you down and perhaps she wouldn’t then feel the need to say anything insulting to you.
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The words that she has said to you are very hurtful and the fact that it has driven you to the point of feeling suicidal is concerning. Aside from being concerned about your dealings with your mother, it is also important that you take time to focus on yourself too. The kind of things she says to you can be very damaging to your self-esteem, so for all the negative things she says to remember your good points and blessings. Also, remember that as a close relative you will be an easy target for her to unleash her anger towards as she knows that as her child you love her unconditionally and will not abandon her despite her terrible behaviour.
This is why she is seemingly comfortable to hurl such abuse towards you with this in mind. Keeping this in mind you can understand that she almost certainly doesn’t mean anything that she says, but is just looking for an easy target to vent her frustrations. Again, this does not make her behaviour OK in anyway, but it helps you to understand why she is being like this to some extent and that you should try not to let such comments bring you down.
Aside from this, take time to focus on yourself. Get out of the home and do the things you enjoy. Do things and be with people that make you feel good about yourself to give your self-esteem the lift that it needs. Make this a regular thing so that whilst your mum remains like this you get some regular respite. It may even be that you take to having some extended time away, even just for a weekend to get a longer break.
In sha Allah with time and managing her behaviour as a family she will make the decision to seek therapy herself if she is still feeling some frustrations, or if not, perhaps she will feel more comfortable to talk to someone in the family.
May Allah make things easy for you all and guide her on the straight path. May He bring happiness and contentment in your family in this life and the next.
Please, let us know how she is doing.
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