My 5-Year-Old Daughter Hates Me

20 October, 2019
Q I feel that my 5-year-old daughter hates me. I don’t know why but sometimes she says that she hates me. I never hit her. I treat her with respect. Last week she went to my father’s home, as she loves to stay with her grandfather. She said she wants to live with her grandparents forever, and she doesn’t love our home.

She never calls me over the phone or even says that she misses me like I do. She cries a lot when I call her, thinking that I will get her back to home.

My father said to me she is just a little kid and wants to have more time for fun and play and she finds that in her grandfather’s home, but her words about her desire to staying away from me hurt me. How to make my daughter love our home and love me?

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•Your daughter may be angry about something or hurt over something that may be totally independent of you,

•Try to get your child in touch with where these words and feelings are coming from.

•Try to be non-judgmental in your approach and remain emotionally strong and present for her.

•Try to do more things with her that she finds fun and engaging in order to increase time together.


As salamu alaykum my dear sister,

Often times children go through phases wherein they seem to be distant towards one or both parents. It does not mean they do not love you.

Even though she says she hates you, she does not, it is a reaction which she is displaying that is inappropriate but valid in that she is expressing a discomfort. However, she is directing it at you-someone she feels safest with and someone she trusts.

Your daughter may be angry about something or hurt over something that may be totally independent of you, but you are the “safe” person with whom she can vent.

This may be her only means of expressing her anger and although it has nothing to do with you, it still hurts. Words are power, and often children will lash out when they feel they are in a powerless situation.

When your daughter says these hurtful words, I would kindly suggest trying to get your child in touch with where these words and feelings are coming from. By listening to your child and encouraging your child to talk about the deeper feelings beyond “I hate you, and I want to live at my grandfathers” could help her open up to what is really causing these feelings of anger and pain within her. Try to be non-judgmental in your approach and remain emotionally strong and present for her.

My 5-Year-Old Daughter Hates Me - About Islam

While disrespect is not to be tolerated, often children do act out in this way when something is bothering them.

It sounds as if your daughter is very close to her grandfather which is a good thing providing the relationship with her grandparents is a healthy one. Sometimes grandparents can become too attached to a grandchild as they may miss having a lot of families around and the child latches on to that emotion.

Many children often desire to stay at their grandparents as they find it less restrictive and more fun than home.

Grandparents often do spoil their grandchildren in this regard and sometimes it makes it hard for the parent. Perhaps slowly reduce the time she spends at her grandfathers and increases the time she and you spend together.

Try to do more things with her that she finds fun and engaging in order to increase time together. This will insha’Allah increase her ability to open up to you about what is going on inside her emotionally.

If your daughter displays other behaviors, however, such as nightmares, anxiety, random fears or other signs of maladjustment, please do take her to a child counselor as she may be going through something more severe which you are not aware of at this point.

While this type of behavior is often normal in this age group, please do be aware of other behaviors or signs that t may be more serious.

Please let us know how you are doing, you are in our prayers.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 

Read more:

My Daughter Says ” I Hate You”, How to Respond?

I Hate My Father

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-parenting/single-parenting/i-hate-my-son/

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.