Will My Arab Father Let me Marry a Black Man?

08 September, 2020
Q Asalamaleikum. I am a 20 year old Muslim in an orthodox country. My mother is of another nationalty and my father is an arab muslim religious and strict. Everytime I go out i have to tell him who am with: I always go out with my friends who are girls and muslim as well. He calls me a lot, even on facetime sometimes when he feels I might do something haraam. I know he is just scared for me because of today’s dangerous world. But wallah, I am an adult now and I want to start my life without having this fear or my father. U might wonder why I am scared. It is because I have been seeing a man for 10 months. He is a black muslim from Nigeria and is a student in this country. We met online and started dating. He asked for my hand during our first dates. I was not ready and was not considering to marry so young until I met him. He is calm, patient, kind, generous, caring and a very good muslim. Also he is sunnah born muslim like me. And 26 years old. I have talked and met his family as well who is more open-minded than my father. They are good people and good muslims. He prays, he fasts and is well educated in Islam. He is trying to build his business here and wants to have the financial state in order to provide for us as a family. But the only problem is that my father doesnt want me to marry now because he thinks am too young. I havent talked to him about it because I do not have the courage. He always is suspicious of me and thinks I am doing haraam. He is just very worried. I want to free him of this stress by getting married to a good man I love. This man is black. I know that will be a problem because our country is white people based. It is Romania. And we are syrians from Homs: white with blue eyes and blond hair. I know the Kuran says all men are equal but I also know how my dad thinks: he cares what relatives should say and also the muslim people here. I am worried he will not accept and I do not know how to approach him. I want to be able to see the love of my life and be with him married without commiting zina or upset my dad or lie to him. I just don’t know how to tell him as he always suspsects me of haraam. How to discuss with him? Should I bring him to our house to meet him? I dont know how to do this. His family is in Nigeria. How will my dad trust him or me? Please, I need guidance. I am lost. I pray to Allah that everything will be fine. What is needed to be done?

Answer

Short Answer:

  • You mentioned your father’s concern for you and how that worry was derived from love and a desire to protect you. This is so important to remember. He likely just wants the best for you, so if you remind him how this person makes you feel in a positive and cohesive way, then he may eventually come around.
  • In fact, when I got married, I had to convince my family as well and I had to repeat over and over again what I loved about the person who is now my spouse. I had to show them that it wasn’t just a passing feeling but that I really truly wanted to be dedicated to this human being for the rest of my life.
  • That I was in love with real things like how he made sure to always maintain my dignity and respected my family values. He was kind and always kept Allah (SWT) in mind during our conversations. These little but serious things that you can present to your father may also help him come around rather than “Well, I just like him and wish you’d like him too.”

………….

Walaikum salaam!

Thank you for contacting AboutIslam about these concerns about the relationship you are currently seeking. It can admittedly be stressful when you want to find a good spouse and then on top of that, you have to worry about how he will be accepted for how Allah (SWT) created him. I may have a few pieces of guidance perhaps.

The Last Sermon

In the tenth year of hijrah, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) gave a beautiful final sermon where he detailed many important things to the believers. I would like to call our attention to a specific part however:

“All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood.”

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) started his sermon by noting that he was not sure if he would ever be able meet them again in the very place he was standing. Addressing not just racism, he gave reminders against sexism, promoting peace and taqwa, instructions on inheritance, securing one’s beliefs, and more. This sermon was supposed to serve as a last reminder for Muslims forevermore on how to live with one another in a wide variety of ways.

I advise this is a good way to open the door when beginning discussions where potential racism, prejudice, or colorist thinking may occur. What better teacher to us all then the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).

Honesty is the Best Policy

It can be tough to know when the perfect time is to involve family. However, if your heart is already inclined towards him then this is a good step to tell your family about him, even if they aren’t very open to the idea at first.

Your partner, whoever you end up spending your life with, deserves your support by standing up strong with your decision to be with them to whoever naysays your relationship. 

In Surah al-Mumineen, Allah (SWT) says that those who will be granted jannah al-firdous (the highest part of jannah) will be those who not only carefully guarded their prayers, but those who are also attentive to their trusts, promises, and were truthful. 

In fact, Imam Al-Ghazali said this about sincerity in his magnum opus, Ihya Ulum Ad-Deen:

“And he (referring to the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him) said, “Truthfulness leads to piety, and piety leads to Paradise. A person will maintain truthfulness until they are recorded as a Truthful One with God.”

Of course, I think you already know that honesty is so precious and valuable so please take my advice as a gentle reminder. I ask you to keep in mind the end goal (jannah), even if things feel a bit shaky and uncertain right now. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the here and now, but insha’Allah, with the right intention and dedication to what is right, your message to your father will be accepted in a good way.

Final Thoughts

I had noticed that you mentioned your father’s concern for you and how that worry was derived from love and a desire to protect you. This is so important to remember. He likely just wants the best for you, so if you remind him how this person makes you feel in a positive and cohesive way, then he may eventually come around.

In fact, when I got married, I had to convince my family as well and I had to repeat over and over again what I loved about the person who is now my spouse. I had to show them that it wasn’t just a passing feeling but that I really truly wanted to be dedicated to this human being for the rest of my life.

That I was in love with real things like how he made sure to always maintain my dignity and respected my family values. He was kind and always kept Allah (SWT) in mind during our conversations. These little but serious things that you can present to your father may also help him come around rather than “Well, I just like him and wish you’d like him too.”

May Allah (SWT) make it easy for you and I really pray that everything works out in the best way, insha’Allah!

And Allah knows best.

I hope this helps.

Salam and please keep in touch.

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About Tuscany Bernier
Tuscany Bernier is from Indiana where she lives with her husband and two cats. She was born in Indianapolis, Indiana, and raised in the rural town of Ladoga, Indiana. Tuscany recently graduated with her associate's degree in Islamic Studies from Mishkah University and is passionate about cultural diversity and women’s studies.