Answer
Short Answer: Men are instructed to be kind and caring with their wives. He is not allowed to force himself upon you or pressure you into sex when you are tired, sick, feeling exhausted due to pregnancy, etc. This would be unjust and Allah hates injustice. When done with the tenderness and care that Allah expects between spouses, sexual intercourse is an incredible way to promote love and intimacy in a marriage. If it ends up feeling like a chore or an obligation, then your rights are not being fulfilled. Sister, you can absolutely expect loyalty from a husband, in spite of age, pregnancy, etc.
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Salaam alaykum, sister.
I read the previous question you submitted as well as this one and I hope I am able to answer in a satisfactory way, insha’Allah. I will try to answer your questions one by one.
The Question of Marriage
I do want to refer back to your original question from a little while back and emphasize to you that marriage is not an obligation. Yes, it is emphasized and it can be important in avoiding sin. However, it is not incumbent upon you to marry. It is better to remain single than to be married to an abusive man.
Lust vs. Love
Have you heard of the Five Love Languages? Google it if you haven’t, and even take the quiz yourself (a note for other readers – even if you are married, take the version intended for single people because the language in the quiz for married folks is confusing). One love language is physical touch. This is my love language! I express my love to my husband through things like snuggling, hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc. Sexual intercourse can absolutely be an expression of love.
However, lust and love are extremely distinctive. As a person in love with her husband (masha’Allah), even though physical touch is my love language, it is easy to distinguish between lust and love.
That men express love through sex is nothing more than a generality. I suspect it is propagated by people who want you to be okay with your husband never showing you any affection except during sex. If you do find someone you want to marry, I encourage you both to take the love languages quiz so that you will understand how to express love to one another. It should not be normalized that a man would show affection only during intercouse. This is a generalization and largely a false one.
Wife: Food for her Husband?
Sister, I am not sure where you got this idea, but it is patently false. On the contrary, men are instructed not to treat their wives as though we are animals. We are human beings with autonomy and are absolutely not meant to simply serve a man’s every whim.
Please avoid people who make such claims at all costs!
The Angels Cursing You
Yes, I am familiar with the Hadith that refers to angels cursing a woman who refuses her husband. Sister, Islam is not an oppressive religion, so if there is some component of it that feels oppressive, try to examine it through a new lens.
Men are instructed to be kind and caring with their wives. He is not allowed to force himself upon you or pressure you into sex when you are tired, sick, feeling exhausted due to pregnancy, etc. This would be unjust and Allah hates injustice.
There are many takes and interpretations of the Hadith you mentioned. I am not a scholar, nor do I ever pretend to be one – so take what I say knowing that. It is my view that this Hadith is meant to illustrate the importance of marital relations between a husband and wife. Keep in mind that sexual fulfillment is just as much a right of a wife as it is a husband’s! So don’t turn away from your spouse needlessly.
When done with the tenderness and care that Allah expects between spouses, sexual intercourse is an incredible way to promote love and intimacy in a marriage. If it ends up feeling like a chore or an obligation, then your rights are not being fulfilled.
Should I Expect Loyalty?
Sister, you can absolutely expect loyalty from a husband, in spite of age, pregnancy, etc.
It is distressing to me that you see men as being driven by nothing but sex. This may be true for some, but it is certainly not true of any man worth marrying. All human beings – male and female – are wired for sex. It’s biological!
A woman becoming elderly or pregnant is not a valid reason for a man not to be loyal to her. Though we do not necessarily say these vows during an Islamic wedding, it still holds true: marriage is for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. As a Muslim woman, you are not expected to live like a corpse in your marriage. You are a person with just as much right to enjoy your life as any man.
Do Men Love Less than Women?
This is not true. Some men are reserved in their affection. Some women are. Some men are forthcoming in their affection. Some women are. Men are just as capable of love as women and are just as capable of expressing it.
My Final Advice to You
Sister, you mentioned that you are staying away from some of the harsher resources on Islam that you used to follow. This is good, alhamdulillah. But you still seem to have a lot of very negative and hopeless ideas about your own rights and about the nature of men, so I am concerned still about where you are getting your information.
I have been jaded by the beliefs and actions of many scholars, so I rarely recommend following any. However, I can safely say that Sh Omar Suleiman is a scholar I admire greatly. He focuses a lot on the mercy of Allah. Please look him up.
Also, continue to communicate with us here at About Islam. We are always happy to help.
Please continue to look into sources that paint Islam in a more positive light. Allah does not like oppression and you seem to feel very oppressed by a lot of your perceptions of our faith. Fortunately, these are false perceptions. I know it can be difficult to convince yourself that the things you long held to be true are not so, so continue to read and research and learn from sources that are not so harsh.
Lastly, I am going to provide a link (https://www.bbc.com/news/
Insha’Allah this has been helpful to you, sister. I will continue to think of and pray for you.
And Allah knows best. I hope this helps.
Salam and please keep in touch.
Please continue feeding your curiosity, and find more info in the following links:
I’m A Feminist: I’ve Had Enough of Wives being Doormats to their Husbands!
Misconceptions in Islam – Can a Wife Reject Sexual Intercourse?