Surprising Facts About Men’s Attitude Towards Love!

03 October, 2019
Q Salam dear sister. At first thanks a lot for giving me this comforting answer & advice. May Allaah reward you for this. I sent question about my trauma related with misconception about women. Now I want to give some feedback about my situation according to your answer & also want to know answer of some new questions or tough dilemma which I didn't share before. I'm eagerly waiting for your response about my feedbacks & dilemmas.My feedbacks according to your answer :1) I didn’t know, there are global movement about addressing & correcting unfair ideologies about women in Islam & they are found in other religions too. But I don't care about other religions, I know Islam as correct religion.So you understand how it breaks my heart to see the attempt to justify these cruel notions about women using verses of Qur'an. I'm sorry to say I'm insecure to approach Qur'an for this reason though you told me to read.2) You told me these cruel notions are so rampant & accepted. I realized this in hard way. Sister I believed women are imperfect,inferior & less capable than men.This is how women are described in Islam QA website of Saudi Arabia. There are many authentic things in this website so I thought this as part of Islam. It's shocking to see though our prophet is Arab how these things spread in this area? As far I khow there was a period of flourishing Islam in other civilizations & knowledge exchange. And greek philosophy which belittles women were mixed with Islam. I wonder How Muslim could take this garbage? I'm sorry to state the fact that there is tendency among men to be prejudiced against women. Muslim,non Muslim,scholar, layman doesn’t matter. Otherwise it wouldn’t happen.3) Sister you told me to stay away from traumatic source. I'm staying away from those sources. I hope Allaah swt will forgive me. I'm trying to learn religion from other reliable sources. You told me doing good things with friends. Sorry I have no friends now cause I had study break due to some reasons. Mom is dead, dad lives in other city. I have one younger brother of 24 years old though caring but busy with own life. So I'm literally struggling alone. I treat it as only my own journey of life.4) You told me to participate in organisation correcting misconception. But I'm Bangladeshi. I don't know there are organisations like this in my country rather these cruel notions are also present here that's why I prefer to learn religion in English rather than in my native language.My dilemma : My questions are about men's attitude about love. My questions is about husband - wife situation & most importantly it is completely monogamous context. I know in psychology field there is research about it & it is mainly based on promiscuous males from permissive hypersexualized western society so I hope you won't give reference to these things. I hope you will reply on monogamous & moral ground. I'm sensitive & hurt already.1) As there is popular notion that, man express love by intercourse is it true that men's love is lust & men's lust is love? So can we tell love is another name of lust?2) Is it true that wife is food of husband which he eats or she is more like flesh than human to fulfill husband’s desire? What does Islam tell about it?3) so it's described how a wife in a constant cursed state when she does not fulfill husband’s need. There are period like pregnancy, accident, sickness, surgery, tiredness, she is not capable of this, still husband is angry for this she is curesd? What does Islam tell about it? If it's true I will shape my mentality of wife's sexually responding to husband even it is painful for her.4) If wife goes through difficult state like pregnancy, or some unfortunate events like accident, sickness or she becomes old, is it her right to expect love & loyalty from husband in her bad times & old age still? Should husband love her still? I don't expect anything from husband as they are driven sexually. You may tell polygamy is solution. But even scholars recognise women's feelings about polygamy & allow her to include conditions husband will be monogamous. Still if your reply is otherwise I will expect nothing from husband & I'll live like a living corpse if I'm forced to marry in future.5) Is it true that men love less than women? Her love is care & affection without any influence of lust. Yes men may appear cold & aloof but that's the actual things? If it's true, my hope in men will end.

Answer

Short Answer: Men are instructed to be kind and caring with their wives. He is not allowed to force himself upon you or pressure you into sex when you are tired, sick, feeling exhausted due to pregnancy, etc. This would be unjust and Allah hates injustice. When done with the tenderness and care that Allah expects between spouses, sexual intercourse is an incredible way to promote love and intimacy in a marriage. If it ends up feeling like a chore or an obligation, then your rights are not being fulfilled. Sister, you can absolutely expect loyalty from a husband, in spite of age, pregnancy, etc.

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Salaam alaykum, sister.

I read the previous question you submitted as well as this one and I hope I am able to answer in a satisfactory way, insha’Allah. I will try to answer your questions one by one.

The Question of Marriage

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I do want to refer back to your original question from a little while back and emphasize to you that marriage is not an obligation. Yes, it is emphasized and it can be important in avoiding sin. However, it is not incumbent upon you to marry. It is better to remain single than to be married to an abusive man.

Lust vs. Love

Have you heard of the Five Love Languages? Google it if you haven’t, and even take the quiz yourself (a note for other readers – even if you are married, take the version intended for single people because the language in the quiz for married folks is confusing). One love language is physical touch. This is my love language! I express my love to my husband through things like snuggling, hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc. Sexual intercourse can absolutely be an expression of love.

However, lust and love are extremely distinctive. As a person in love with her husband (masha’Allah), even though physical touch is my love language, it is easy to distinguish between lust and love.

That men express love through sex is nothing more than a generality. I suspect it is propagated by people who want you to be okay with your husband never showing you any affection except during sex. If you do find someone you want to marry, I encourage you both to take the love languages quiz so that you will understand how to express love to one another. It should not be normalized that a man would show affection only during intercouse. This is a generalization and largely a false one.

Wife: Food for her Husband?

Sister, I am not sure where you got this idea, but it is patently false. On the contrary, men are instructed not to treat their wives as though we are animals. We are human beings with autonomy and are absolutely not meant to simply serve a man’s every whim.

Please avoid people who make such claims at all costs!

The Angels Cursing You

Yes, I am familiar with the Hadith that refers to angels cursing a woman who refuses her husband. Sister, Islam is not an oppressive religion, so if there is some component of it that feels oppressive, try to examine it through a new lens.

Men are instructed to be kind and caring with their wives. He is not allowed to force himself upon you or pressure you into sex when you are tired, sick, feeling exhausted due to pregnancy, etc. This would be unjust and Allah hates injustice.

There are many takes and interpretations of the Hadith you mentioned. I am not a scholar, nor do I ever pretend to be one – so take what I say knowing that. It is my view that this Hadith is meant to illustrate the importance of marital relations between a husband and wife. Keep in mind that sexual fulfillment is just as much a right of a wife as it is a husband’s! So don’t turn away from your spouse needlessly.

When done with the tenderness and care that Allah expects between spouses, sexual intercourse is an incredible way to promote love and intimacy in a marriage. If it ends up feeling like a chore or an obligation, then your rights are not being fulfilled.

Should I Expect Loyalty?

Sister, you can absolutely expect loyalty from a husband, in spite of age, pregnancy, etc.

It is distressing to me that you see men as being driven by nothing but sex. This may be true for some, but it is certainly not true of any man worth marrying. All human beings – male and female – are wired for sex. It’s biological!

A woman becoming elderly or pregnant is not a valid reason for a man not to be loyal to her. Though we do not necessarily say these vows during an Islamic wedding, it still holds true: marriage is for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. As a Muslim woman, you are not expected to live like a corpse in your marriage. You are a person with just as much right to enjoy your life as any man.

Do Men Love Less than Women?

This is not true. Some men are reserved in their affection. Some women are. Some men are forthcoming in their affection. Some women are. Men are just as capable of love as women and are just as capable of expressing it.

My Final Advice to You

Sister, you mentioned that you are staying away from some of the harsher resources on Islam that you used to follow. This is good, alhamdulillah. But you still seem to have a lot of very negative and hopeless ideas about your own rights and about the nature of men, so I am concerned still about where you are getting your information.

I have been jaded by the beliefs and actions of many scholars, so I rarely recommend following any. However, I can safely say that Sh Omar Suleiman is a scholar I admire greatly. He focuses a lot on the mercy of Allah. Please look him up.

Also, continue to communicate with us here at About Islam. We are always happy to help.

Please continue to look into sources that paint Islam in a more positive light. Allah does not like oppression and you seem to feel very oppressed by a lot of your perceptions of our faith. Fortunately, these are false perceptions. I know it can be difficult to convince yourself that the things you long held to be true are not so, so continue to read and research and learn from sources that are not so harsh.

Lastly, I am going to provide a link (https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-49809469) to a story from the BBC about a couple in Bangladesh who turned the idea of marriage upside-down, culturally. Insha’Allah it gives you some hope. The husband seems to be a good, secure man of high caliber. May Allah reward them both.

Insha’Allah this has been helpful to you, sister. I will continue to think of and pray for you.

Surprising Facts About Men's Attitude Towards Love! - About IslamAnd Allah knows best. I hope this helps.

Salam and please keep in touch.

Please continue feeding your curiosity, and find more info in the following links:

I’m A Feminist: I’ve Had Enough of Wives being Doormats to their Husbands!

Misconceptions in Islam – Can a Wife Reject Sexual Intercourse?

Busting Myths About Female Sexuality

About Leah Mallery
Leah is a Muslim convert of almost a decade. She has two kids, an intercultural marriage, and half of a French degree in her back pocket, looking to switch gears to science and medicine. She has lived abroad for over a decade, having just recently become reacquainted with her roots in America. She currently lives in Michigan near her family and – masha’Allah – a sizeable Muslim community.