Answer
Walaykum Asalam wa Rahmat Allah Brother,
Thank you so much for sending us your question, and for your desire to do the right thing according to the pure way and teachings of Islam. May Allah reward you for your intentions.
Now, you haven’t mentioned the belief system of the lady to whom you’re referring. If she is from the people of the book (i.e. Jewish or Christian), then, you can actually marry her right away. You don’t have to wait on her to accept Islam.
Allah Almighty says:
{[…] And [lawful in marriage are] chaste women from among the believers and chaste women from among those who were given the Scripture before you, when you have given them their due compensation, desiring chastity, not unlawful sexual intercourse or taking [secret] lovers. And whoever denies the faith – his work has become worthless, and he, in the Hereafter, will be among the losers.} (Qur’an 5:5)
If she is not from the people of the book, then no, you have to wait for her to accept Islam at her own pace, but you cannot marry before that.
Allah says:
{And do not marry polytheistic women until they believe. And a believing slave woman is better than a polytheist, even though she might please you. And do not marry polytheistic men [to your women] until they believe. And a believing slave is better than a polytheist, even though he might please you. Those invite [you] to the Fire, but Allah invites to Paradise and to forgiveness, by His permission. And He makes clear His verses to the people that perhaps they may remember.} (Qur’an 2:221)
It is commendable that you refused to carry on with a relationship without marriage. You can share with her this piece, for example, on why it is not acceptable to have such relationships before marriage and it is more dignified to only give her her full rights through marriage not through a relationship that could end and leave her with no rights or commitments.
Regarding your other questions: “is it important for her to learn everything about Islam before we can marry”. She doesn’t have to learn everything about Islam. But if she decides to convert, she has to believe in the basics such as, the Oneness of God, the purpose of life, our destination, the need to follow the Prophet (PBUH) and the pure teachings of Islam and raise the children upon right guidance.
You have to have the same vision and goals, because marriage is a journey and if you don’t have the same vision of the destination, how can you be on the same journey?
Marriage itself in Islam is meant to be a journey of intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and physical connection and growth. Faith is not simply a portion of your life that you can put aside. Rather, it is a way of living, an understanding of life, its purpose and destination. It is a path that leads to a destination and the destination is Allah (SWT).
If you’re not sharing the same destination, how can you be on the same journey?
Allah described marriage in the Qur’an saying:
{And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought} (Qur’an 30: 21)
And the Prophet (PBUH) says:
The world is but a (quick passing) enjoyment; and the best enjoyment of the world is a pious and virtuous wife. (Muslim)
The pious believing wife is a source of peace, stability, and security for her husband (as he should be for her), as she aids him, strengthens him, and raises their children–the children of the ummah–in the manner that is best and purest for them in this life and the next.
These are things you need to consider. So give her time to understand the basics of Islam and to understand the purpose of life in order for you to truly be strong partners who help one another when you get married.
You can share with her resources of sisters who accepted Islam, there are plenty of videos online on this. Also try to see if you can put her in touch with a Muslim sister who can continue making with her the dawah and explain to her anything that she doesn’t understand.
Be patient, make dua, and make salat ul Istikhara (request for guidance from Allah). Sincerely ask Allah–Who knows the seen and the unseen, the past, present and future–whether this marriage is the best for you or not and whether this is what will help you and aid you in your deen and dunya (this life and the next).
You have the right intention, praise be to Allah. Now, just ask Allah continuously and sincerely about what is right for you, while continuing to giving dawah to the lady.
But most importantly here, it is better if you find a sister who can give her dawah instead of you so you won’t continue to speak privately with a lady unlawfully and grow feelings that would be hard to get rid of if this didn’t work out.
Then see if she is convinced sincerely or not. If this has goodness for you, insha’Allah Allah will facilitate it. Trust and rely on Allah and ask Him openly and truthfully for what He knows is best for you.
May Allah open the sister’s heart and help her find the purpose in life and accept the Truth and reconnect with her Creator as per the Guidance He sent with all His Messengers; from Adam to Noah, Abraham, Moses, Jesus, and finally Muhammad the seal of the Prophets who brought the complete way of life that fully guides people on their path to their One and Only Creator.
Ameen.
I hope this helps. Please keep in touch. Salam.
Please continue feeding your curiosity, and find more info in the following links:
https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/my-journey-to-islam/4-reasons-make-us-convert-islam/