Answer
Short Answer:
- Try to find someone to intercede on your behalf, someone who you trust not to divulge your personal problems to the whole world, nor make a scandal or gossip out of this issue.
- Find someone trustworthy, righteous, and Allah-fearing, who will sincerely try to intercede on your behalf and let your parents know clearly about your feeling regarding this marriage proposal and the Islamic guidelines that give you the right to say who you marry and don’t marry.
- Wake up an hour before Fajr prayer and offer two or four units of salah (prayer), then cry your heart out before Allah. Increase in nafl (extra) prayers, duas, and perhaps a little charity on a daily basis, until Allah grants you relief. Beg him to ease your distress, grant you relief, and show you a way out from this dilemma.
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Asalamu Alaikum Dear Sister,
Thank you for contacting About Islam with your question.
My heart goes out to you. Muslim parents should never force a son or daughter into a marriage that they do not readily consent to, or feel fully inclined towards. Islam forbids this.
Be Patient and Up Your Prayers
The first and most important thing that you need to do, is to increase in nafl (extra) prayers, duas, and perhaps a little charity on a daily basis, until Allah grants you relief.
Wake up an hour before Fajr prayer and offer two or four units of salah (prayer), then cry your heart out before Allah. Beg him to ease your distress, grant you relief, and show you a way out from this dilemma.
Ask Him to give you a loving marital life with a righteous spouse whom you love and who loves you.
Perhaps there is a great reward, both worldly and in the Akhirah (the hereafter), waiting for you at the end of this trial.
Perhaps by making you endure this trial, Allah will grant you something much better than you ever expected or dreamed of, as compensation.
So practice immense patience, by forcing yourself to remain polite, cordial, and respectful towards your parents, no matter what they do or how they treat you. And offer nafl prayers every single night.
Cry it out before Allah instead of turning towards your friends or other people first, hoping that they will listen to your complaints. Allah listens better and much more closely than any human being ever can.
And He is the only One Who exclusively holds the reins of your fate and destiny, and controls what happens to you in the future.
Find an Arbitrator to Intercede For You
Next, you should try to convey your foreboding feelings of dread about this proposal clearly to someone in your family who is close to your parents, and who can talk to them about it.
That is, try to find someone to intercede on your behalf, someone who you trust not to divulge your personal problems to the whole world, nor make a scandal or gossip out of this issue.
Find someone trustworthy, righteous, and Allah-fearing, who will sincerely try to intercede on your behalf and let your parents know clearly about your feeling regarding this marriage proposal and the Islamic guidelines that give you the right to say who you marry and don’t marry.
Perhaps this person could be a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, or an older sibling. Perhaps it could be an older female cousin who is herself married and hence, stands a good chance to see both sides of the picture.
Communicate Openly & Clearly
Talk to your parents yourself, but you will have to do it in a mature, calm, and matter-of-fact manner, in order to make them listen to you and give weight to your voice in this whole situation.
Whilst talking to them, you should avoid crying, complaining, hurling accusations, or engaging in any kind of disrespectful and emotional behavior that will undermine what you have to say.
There is nothing wrong with a Muslim daughter clearly communicating her must-have’s or prerequisites for a prospective marriage suitor by saying to her parents, “I will not marry someone who drinks and does drugs, no matter how many other positive qualities he has”.
If your parents continue to force you to marry him, you can even say, “I refuse to marry him, and I will never say yes”.
However, you have to say all of this in a polite and muted tone, without being even slightly rude or disrespectful. Do not raise your voice or use angry and abusive language with your parents.
Lastly, write them a letter, using the most decent language and a loving, respectful tone whilst writing it.
I am speaking from experience. Sometimes, writing one’s parents a letter works better than verbal, face-to-face communication because it allows the parents time to read and re-read their child’s candid, true feelings, and thoughts about an issue without engaging in a verbal back-and-forth.
I ask Allah to grant you ease and quick relief from this distressing situation, and decree what is best for your worldly life and your Akhirah. Ameen.
I hope this helps address your concerns.
Walaikum Asalam and please keep in touch.
(From Ask About Islam archives)
Please continue feeding your curiosity, and find more info in the following links:
He Doesn’t Want to Marry Me, But Parents Force Him
Parent-Child Conflict Over Choosing A Spouse
Why So Many Unfair Marriage Practices?