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How Can I Bring My Revert Mother Back To Islam?

03 July, 2017
Q Asalam Alaikum. I am a revert of 25 years alhamdulillah and two years ago my mother, then aged 75, took shahadah, alhamdulillah. It has been a big test with many troubles for me and my family because my brother and sister have done their utmost to take my mother away from Islam. Her faith is not very strong and she does go to the pub with them with hijab on, even though I have advised her she doesn’t need to wear hijab at her age. The latest trouble is that my mother has a new neighbor who is male, her age, non-Muslim, and they have become very good friends. She spends every day with him, she doesn’t come with me hardly anymore. I advised her that as Muslims we should not have close company of the opposite sex. Both my mother and her friend cannot understand why as she says, “All we are is friends there is no sex, because we are old,” but this week he has said he will marry her. Then I had to advise her she can’t marry him as he is not a Muslim. Yet I still see her walking in the street holding onto his arm, she has bad sight, but she can get around alone very well. There are some signs that tell they are more than friends and it's getting stronger. I am worried she will leave Islam as he is not a believer and she is lonely yet doesn’t want to live with me as she likes her independence. She said she would marry him tomorrow if he proposes properly. I feel so frustrated, my children and my husband hate to see her with him as nobody trusts him either. I don’t know the best way to deal with this apart from trying to give him dawah but my mother herself doesn’t really practice Islam apart from wearing a hijab (which is not needed) she prays in her own way and even wudu she doesn’t make correctly, though I have done many halaqas with my children, on wudu and prayers for my mother’s benefit really. Still I see she just washes, but not in order or not all parts. She smokes and her friend smokes a lot and I am sure I smelt alcohol on him yet he says he doesn’t drink, but my mum sits in his flat all day and evening watching tv together. Please advise me: should I leave them to it before I preach too much and lose my mum to him or what shall I do? As I see it now, she took shahadah so she is a Muslim, but who knows what’s in her chest? But on the other hand when she is with non-Muslims such as my sister and her friend, she behaves as a non-Muslim, and I have read about this in the Quran. It makes me dislike my mother more than when she was a non believer, astaghfirAllah, and I know this is a real big test for me. Should I ban my mother from bringing this man to my home? But then my husband wouldn’t like me to visit my mother as she is always sitting with her neighbor. So how can I then do dawah? Jazaka Allah Kheir.

Answer

Salam Dear Sister,

Thank you for your question and for contacting Ask About Islam. 

May Allah reward you for taking this responsibility of looking after your mother and trying to guide her to what pleases Allah; may Allah grant you a higher position in Paradise Insha’Allah.

As you are well-aware, Islam encourages us to treat our parents kindly. It is mentioned in the Quran, what is translated as:

Your Lord has decreed not worship none but Him, and to be good to your parents; should both or any one of them attain old age with you, do not say to them even “fie” neither chide them, but speak to them with respect (Quran chapter 17, verse 23)

There is also a special place for the mother in our religion; it was narrated by Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him) that a man came to Allah’s Apostle (peace be upon him) and said:

“O Allah’s Messenger! Who is more entitled to be treated with my best companionship?” The Prophet said: “Your mother.” The man said: “Who is next?” The Prophet said: “Your mother.” The man further said: “Who is next?” The Prophet said: “Your mother.” The man asked for the fourth time, “Who is next?” The Prophet finally said: “Your father.” (Bukhari, Book 73, Hadith 2)

My first advice to you is to stay steadfast and very patient with your mother, which I am sure you are already doing.  The approach to curing your mother from improper Islamic behavior is more or less like taking a medical treatment.  You need to try a few of these tactics and come back to us for more if they don’t work.

Remind Her of Allah’s Choosing of Her

First, remind your mother that when she took her shahadah that she made a covenant with the Creator, Allah.  This act was for her own sake, and it was not to please you or to please anyone else; it was only to please Allah since He is the only One who will forgive her sins and grant her Paradise. So losing such an opportunity is a great mistake.

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Upon taking her shahadah, your mother’s sins were wiped out as if she has never committed any sins; this was mentioned by our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him). 

Many scholars are of the opinion that Allah even replaces her bad deeds with good deeds as in verses 63-71 from Surah Furqaan, chapter 25. Now that your mother has started with a clean account, she needs to keep it up since going back to disbelief will surely make her lose all these great rewards.

Focus on Foundation

Being of old age means that she is approaching death faster than most of us and she should be looking forward to the hereafter rather than this world. So, her awareness that her friends might not be her real friends should be emphasized, since some people are calling her to the hell-fire while others are trying to call her to Paradise.

This world’s temptations are easy to fall for, while what pleases Allah might be harder to follow unless someone is well-established in Islam.The question is how to practically put these ideas in her mind. Doing this requires daily reminders in the form of short but to-the-point talks about the five pillars of Islam, starting with the oneness of Allah and moving on to the next pillar as she understands the previous one. 

There is no use talking to her about the five daily prayers if she did not yet grasp the concept behind the main Islamic creed; so take your time until the message sticks in her mind.

Be Realistic Regarding Her Male Friend

I suggest inviting her friend to these talks, in the hope that the message reaches his heart, since she seems to like him and is even willing to marry him.  If he becomes a Muslim then her idea of marrying him would become lawful; this might not be what you are looking for, but it could be ideal considering the circumstances.  Give this approach some time to work and please do not give-up.

If this does not work, then I suggest removing her from her current environment; this is obviously easily said than done.

It would be wonderful if there is a nursing home for older Muslims in your community so she can fill her time with people who share her same creed.  Note that I am not in favor of Muslims putting their parents in such places, but this could be a solution for your mother’s lifestyle.

If this is not an option then you need to fill her time away from her neighbor; you would have to think about what could be beneficial for her.  You might suggest to the local Muslim community to have regular meetings between Muslims of her age.

Be Patient With Her

To summarize, do your best to patiently advise her and try to incorporate her male friend and invite him to Islam, but remember she is a grown woman, and your mother, so be respectful. Remember you cannot force her to do anything outside her will, including wearing hijab, praying, or staying away from her male friend. 

I advise you to make lots of du’a for you and your mother; constantly asking Allah to guide her and to keep you steadfast upon belief.  Also give the matter ample time to gradually work.

I hope this helps answer your question.

Salam and please keep in touch.


This response is from About Islam’s archive and was originally published at an earlier date

Satisfy Your Curiosity by checking out these other helpful links:

How Does Islam Care for the Elderly?

 

Beware of the Convert Zone – What Not to Say to a Convert

 

How the Prophet Cared for the Elderly (+Stories)

 

How Can My Parents Accept the Truth?

 

Rights of the Elderly, Forgotten Treasures