Answer
In this counseling service:
There is a reason why a husband is not interested in sex. In order to figure out what’s going on in his life, there should be friendship between a husband and a wife. Friendship builds trust between the couple, and trust helps to nurture compassion, understanding, and a deeper kind of love. The counselor also advises aromatherapy for couples who have problems with intimacy.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh my dear sister,
You have touched on an aspect of marital life today which is prone to many stress factors. These stress factors can include:
- Low self-esteem
- The demands and pressures of work
- A sedentary life
- De-motivation due to work or home
- The environment: air, water and noise pollution, stressful traveling
- Peer pressure
- Medication
- Upbringing
It is not a question of your husband’s inability to „understand” your needs, but more a case of what is going on in his life that you may not be aware of. His ability to be sexually aroused connects with his brain, first and foremost, but unfortunately, too many male stereotypes may convey a different picture. Your husband needs to feel aroused, and to have the creative energy, a fair level of control over his life, and good self-esteem to be able to enjoy intimate moments. However, it can also happen that the demands of marriage have overwhelmed him in terms of how he views his manhood. Some men upon marriage tend to view aspects of their role as husband larger than life which, in turn, leads to impotency.
If you are the kind of wife who can appreciate his weaknesses and his strengths to a level whereby he can communicate with you as a sister and as a friend, then this is half the battle. Too often the friendship between husband and wife is underplayed. The reason friendship is important is because this leads to the most important ingredient: the trust. With trust, much more can be shared between a husband and wife. Trust helps to nurture compassion, understanding, and a deeper kind of love. All of this only leads to a more intimate relationship, physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. When trust develops at all these levels, the physical becomes less frequent. But when there is physical intimacy, the intimacy experienced is more than sufficient for both husband and wife.
Now, the problem is that your needs are greater than your husbands. Unless you are willing to focus on his needs and to spend the kind of time with him that enable him to share with you his concerns without being made to feel inadequate in any way, the problem will continue. Once this level of friendship and bonding can be established, then you might want to consider the following as a means of support which will help your husband once you have strengthened your relationship on the level of friendship and mutual respect. Do not consider them as solutions by themselves because it is the mind that has greater power over the body, not the body over the mind unless the mind is „put to sleep” which means there is no control.
Oils for Aromatherapy
The easiest way to use the following oils is as a couple of drops in a bath. The oils should be added as the bath fills up to a level whereby your husband can relax. Aromatherapy oils (pure) work on the basis of energy exchange on the subatomic level. Once you are familiar with the needs of your husband, you will be able to make better choices from this selection:
| Cumin (Black Seed Oil)* Nigella Sativus | Nervous & intellectual fatigue Impotence | Caution: This is photo-toxic to some people i.e. toxic in sunlight |
| Sandalwood Oil Santalum Album | Stress-related disorders Depression | |
| Jasmine Oil Jasmine Officinalis | Apathy Depression Frigidity/Impotency Aphrodisiac | |
| Lavender Oil Lavendula Officinalis | Antidepressant
| |
| Rose Rosa Centifola | Raises the spirit after emotional shock Antidepressant | |
| *Unpleasant smell | ||
Do not feel encouraged to add more than a couple of drops with the notion „the more the merrier” because aromatherapy does not work in that way. Even though you might feel more inclined to use the oils that serve your problem, the focus should be on what your husband needs. The Latin names of each oil are to help you avoid confusion as there are many varieties of plants, with the same/similar name, but not with the same effect.
Even though your husband might not be talkative in the manner you would like, you can still learn much about him by being patient, observant, and by listening to him when he does talk without judgment.
Besides, this would be good for your jihad an nafs by focusing on the less physical side of your marital relationship while giving your husband the attention he needs. If, however, it should transpire that there are some childhood issues or health issues, it is advised that you encourage him to see a counselor or a good doctor respectively.
Let us pray that the attention you are going to give him through setting the baths and observing/listening to his needs will be sufficient in sha’ Allah.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.