My dad has been very unsupportive about all of this from the start. My fiancee is a Mexican who was born Catholic.
He took his shahada a couple months ago, subhanallah. He has learned to pray and appreciate Islam, he did this for Allah's sake not mine.
I never asked him to convert for me. My dad asked my fiancées parents to come to Chicago to meet him. When they came my dad disrespected them, he yelled at me, and they said goodbye, got up and left. He has been disrespectful to my fiancee the whole time as well.
This happened all in July, I’ve been waiting months to get the nikkah done. We are both ready for marriage and we both are very happy.
His parents are very supportive even with his conversion they give their full support.
My dad has made my life a game for months, all he does is degrade me, say I’m good for nothing. He says my fiancee is using me because nobody could ever love me. He’s been verbally and financially very abusive to me my whole life.
I just want to get married so I can live my life with my fiancee happily. Is it permissible for me to do the nikkah without my father?
Answer
In this counseling article:
- He should understand that you have your word if you feel this man is suitable for you in marriage. Even if he disagrees with your choice, there are ways to communicate that respectfully.
- See if you have someone else in your family who has better communication skills and some insight, and from whom you could seek advice.
Assalamu alaykom, sister,
Thank you for your letter.
I’m really sorry to hear that your father is unable to deal with this situation in a more mature and emotionally intelligent way, with kinder, and more respectful communication.
It seems that that he has failed to show respect and has made you and your fiancé feel disrespected despite their goodwill, kindness, and openness towards your marriage.
This is really not how a father should deal with your marriage, and of course, emotional and other form of abuse is unacceptable.
I am not a scholar, but a counselor, and I’m going to share some links about whether it is permissible to do a nikah without a father. One thing is certain, though: he should have a sound reason to reject the marriage.
If your fiancé is a nice guy and is making efforts: he learns and practices, then this should not be an obstacle.
Unfortunately, culturally speaking, this is an issue in some families, and I’m really sorry that the same thing is happening in your case.
I don’t know whether you have another family member who could help. Do you have other, preferably male family members who could talk to your father?
He should understand that you have your word if you feel this man is suitable for you in marriage.
Disrespecting other people is simply not okay.
Even if he does not agree with your choice, there are ways to communicate that respectfully. If he has some concerns, it would be much more appropriate to sit down and discuss them.
You could listen to his point of view and understand his perspective because, yes, sometimes fathers can notice things that their daughters do not. But in the end, it should be a discussion aimed at reaching a compromise and understanding each other’s points of view, ideally in a respectful and constructive way.
This way, you could benefit from his understanding and experience, but it seems that this is not the case.
So, see if you have someone else in your family who has better communication skills and some insight, and from whom you could seek advice, someone who could mediate between you and your father.
I don’t know whether your father will change his mind. We have no control over that, but he also needs to understand that rejecting marriage without a justifiable reason is simply not okay.
You can read more here:
- Can Ineligible Father Be My Wali?
- Can a Wali Reject a Muslim Convert for His Nationality?
- Can Parents Reject Marriage Proposal for Ethnic Reasons?
- How to Deal With Toxic Father in Islam
I hope this helps,
