A couple of months ago she started expressing doubts about Islam on a personal blog, and recently she has left Islam in her heart and has started perusing things that are haram, though her family doesn't know as they are quite strict. I found out through her blog but she doesn't know that I know.
Our friendship has already been kind of distant for a while, she has many online friends she's closer to, and I'm not a very forward or confrontational person so I don't reach out much.
I feel a mix of disappointment and concern for her. I want to help guide her back but I don't know how to bring it up without hurting her or losing her as a friend entirely.
She is also openly supportive of things I disagree with Islamically which adds to the distance I feel.My question is: should I try to address this with her in some way, and if so how?
Or is it better to let the friendship fade quietly? I want what's best for her but I also don't know how to navigate this.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- We are messengers in the sense that, just like Prophet Muhammad PBUH, we convey the message, but we are not in control of other people’s faith, iman, or belief.
- A supportive and compassionate attitude, along with understanding that this is beyond your control, is enough. She will know that you are a trustworthy friend she can count on without judging her or abandoning her.
Assalamu alaykum, sister,
Thank you for your question. As I understand it, you have an online friend who is Muslim like you, and your shared faith, Islam, has played a big part in your connection. But recently, you found out that it seems she has left Islam.
She is saying statements that are contradictory to Islamic teachings or are haram, and she openly agrees with things that are not permissible in Islam. You don’t know how to deal with this friendship anymore, or how to approach helping her. You’re asking whether to say anything or just let the friendship fade away with time.
Sister, I understand your concern, and may Allah reward your efforts and your good heart for wanting to help your friend and bring her back to the deen.
Your goodwill and concern for her spiritual well-being in itself is beautiful, masallah.
Who is in control?
I would like you to remember that everything is in Allah’s control. He chooses whom to guide and whom not to guide. He also decrees the struggles and tests for each and every one of us.
We are messengers in the sense that, just like Prophet Muhammad, we convey the message, but we are not in control of other people’s faith, iman, or belief.
The other thing is that we do not know what exactly is in her heart.
Yes, public statements and behavior can say a lot, but at the end of the day, only Allah knows what she really feels about Islam. He SWT knows her future, her journey, and her full decree in this life, so we have to hope the best for her, knowing is that Allah SWT is in full control, not us.
So what can you do?
What is within your hands is to call her, message her, and ask to meet online—face-to-face is better—and gently raise your concern without imposing, forcing, or directing. Just make an honest statement like:
“I’m worried about you. I’m concerned about your faith. I can see that you are not following Islam anymore—what’s going on? Can we talk?”
Ask genuine questions and try to understand what led her to this point, without wanting to convince her too much.
You can also tell that you wish the best for her. If she refuses to open up, and in general, let her know she can come to you if she needs help.
At the end of the day, you cannot do more than that. Keep your door open for her, for any questions or support. Continue modeling good Muslim character: generosity, openness, and helpfulness.
When people are doubting Islam, telling them what they should or shouldn’t do, judging or them or trying to scare them with religious consequences usually does not help. It often has the opposite effect.
A supportive and compassionate attitude, along with understanding that this is beyond your control, is enough. She will know that you are a trustworthy friend she can count on without judging her or abandoning her.
Of course, you do not have to share or agree with her views. You can be honest about your beliefs and stand firm in following Islam. Understanding does not mean approving.
But this approach may help her feel understood, and whatever struggles led her to this point may become easier for her to share with you. She may remember you as someone who remained on her side, not against her.
I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you.