Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for sharing your struggles.

Check out the 9 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. How should you judge someone’s character before marrying them?

How should you evaluate the character and health of a potential spouse? If an investigation needs to be done, should the father, mother or another parent conduct the investigation? Should the father, mother or another parent hire a private detective? Can we ask questions to find out if the potential spouse has an inherited blood disease that could affect the children born in the marriage (for eg. Sickle cell anemia)?  

Assalamu Alaikum,

Thank you for your question.

You’re asking how we should judge someone’s character before marriage, and how we can evaluate the character and health of a potential spouse. You also mentioned whether investigations—perhaps even something like hiring a private detective—are necessary, especially to find out if the person has any inherited diseases that could affect future children.

Let’s start by setting the right perspective about marriage and marital life.

It’s important to understand that no matter how careful we are, we cannot completely avoid conflicts, disagreements, or character differences in marriage. These are a natural part of life and relationships. People are different, and those differences can be a source of growth. Conflict itself is not necessarily negative—it can be an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and our partner. Tests and challenges are part of life, and in them lie chances for development.

So, we should approach marriage with the mindset that it’s not about eliminating all possible future problems, because Allah didn’t design life that way. What we can do is try our best to find a compatible and suitable person, someone who matches our values and expectations to a reasonable extent.

In Islam, there is a strong emphasis on taqwa—God-consciousness—in all our interactions, including marriage. If we approach marriage with taqwa, and handle both love and conflict with a God-conscious mindset, showing patience, respect, forgiveness, and care for the sake of Allah, then we are far more likely to manage any future challenges with dignity.

That’s why working on our own connection with Allah and our spirituality is essential—it automatically improves our ability to handle relationships with wisdom and compassion.

Traditionally, people found spouses within their communities. This meant they often had the chance to observe each other in natural settings—among family, friends, classmates, or coworkers—rather than relying solely on formal meetings, which can feel like interviews. In real-life environments, people tend to act more naturally, and others can offer insight into how someone behaves in various situations. These observations are usually more reliable than scripted answers during a sit-down discussion.

So, if possible, try to get to know the person in natural group settings. Attend family gatherings, observe their behavior, and talk to people who know them well. Whether it’s your parents, friends, or trusted community members, asking others about the person can give you a clearer picture.

As for health concerns, yes, it’s okay to ask questions about inherited conditions or general health. But again, we cannot rule out every possibility. You have to approach this with trust and good faith. Most people will not intentionally hide serious health issues, especially if approached with honesty and sincerity.

You can ask directly and respectfully, but it’s also important to remember that not everything is within your control. We put in effort—and then we put our trust in Allah. It’s not always practical or necessary to expect people to undergo complete medical screening before marriage. But open, honest conversations can go a long way, inshaAllah.

At the end of the day, do your due diligence, seek advice, observe character, and then make du’a—ask Allah for a righteous spouse, healthy children, and a blessed marriage.

I hope this helps,

Question 2.  How to deal with my mother’s unhealthy ideas about marriage?

When it comes to marriage, my and my mother’s ideas about a worthy partner do not match. And it’s a problem because it’s caused me to stay unable to get married even in my thirties. At first she kept forcing me to marry one of my cousins or some relative. I did not agree with this because I knew I wouldn’t be compatible with them. I was open to exploring options outside my family but my mother was very rigid about it and refused to explore options. The people around her like her siblings also took advantage of my late father’s absence in our lives and messed with her head into thinking it’s a taboo to marry your daughter outside the family.

Now, she still keeps returning to the old options which are now a thing of past. Like an old divorced cousin who got divorced because of his temper issues and is now not interested in remarrying. She has this habit of just obsessing over her nephews, even the ones very young, instead of letting go of her ego and exploring options outside the family. There’s not a single sane person in the family who’d talk her out of this obsession. They think since I’m in my thirties I’m rotten fish and should be happy if someone wants to ‘accept’ me.

I have a simple requirement that the person should be civil, slightly open to the world outside instead of being rigid and sticking to the traditions and mindsets that are just leftovers from non-Islamic cultures of the past. I’m not looking for someone hyper intellectual, attractive, or rich… just a decent, civil person who is respectable and someone you can have conversations with like a person. I think values are what matter, and you should not go backwards when adding someone to your life.

Now my mother thinks that a husband should be just a male, who happens to be a relative. She refuses to keep in account my criteria which is quite simple. You must think that the men in my family can fulfill it but it will take a lot of time for me to explain the kind of cultural vibe and characters I’ve seen, so you’ll have to take my word for it.

Now what do I do? Should I seek help from others to look for an appropriate match instead? I know marriage is tricky and you can end up with someone who isn’t what they look like, but I also cannot jump into a marriage I feel repelled towards from the beginning.

Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. From what you wrote, it seems that you have a grounded and reasonable approach to marriage. You mentioned that you’re not looking for someone who is hyper-intellectual, overly attractive, or wealthy—but rather a decent, respectful person with whom you can have meaningful conversations. Someone open-minded, not rigidly stuck in cultural traditions that are not rooted in Islam. These are valid and important expectations, masallah.

You also mentioned that your mother is strongly insisting that you marry a relative, and she hasn’t been open to other options. As a result, despite your efforts, you’re in your thirties and still unmarried—not because of a lack of suitors, but because of this conflict in expectations. You’ve found the options within your extended family incompatible with your mindset and vision for marriage.

I want to begin by saying: I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s clear you are trying to balance respect for your family with your own personal needs and values. And yes, I understand the frustration behind terms like “backward,” “past culture,” or “non-Islamic traditions.” However, I’d like to suggest reframing this—not as a simple clash between “backward” and “modern,” but rather as a difference in needs, fears, and perspectives.

There is wisdom in some traditional ways of thinking, just as there are flaws in some modern ones. It’s not always one or the other. Your mother may not be acting out of stubbornness or ego; rather, she may be driven by fear. She might believe that marrying within the family ensures safety, familiarity, and stronger social ties—which to her, equates to protection for you. That could be her way of showing love and care.

What she may not yet understand is that your sense of safety and emotional security may come from compatibility of mindset, values, and emotional connection—not just family connections. For her, staying within the family may feel like a safety net. For you, it may feel like a limitation.

I encourage you to approach her with empathy and curiosity rather than confrontation. You might say something like:

“Mom, I know you love me and want the best for me. I know you’re trying to protect me in the best way you know how. But I also have some fears and needs that may be different from yours. Can we talk about them together?”

Try to explore her fears with compassion, and share your own feelings in return. This kind of honest and patient dialogue may not solve things overnight, but it can slowly build mutual understanding.

And if, after trying your best, your mother remains unwilling to consider your perspective—know that, Islamically speaking, you are not obligated to marry someone simply to fulfill family expectations. If a suitor is otherwise suitable, and your family does not have a valid Islamic reason to reject him, their refusal doesn’t necessarily prevent the marriage from being valid or permissible. You can read more here and here or connect with our scholar.

To conclude: instead of seeing this as a battle between past and present, try to look at it as a discussion about needs and fears—hers and yours. Understanding where she’s coming from doesn’t mean you have to agree, but it opens the door for a more peaceful and productive conversation. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll help her begin to understand your point of view as well.

May Allah make this path easy for you, bless you with a righteous and loving spouse, and bring peace and understanding between you and your family. Ameen.

Question 3. How to act upon Islam as an introvert

I need help trying to act upon Islam and defend it as an adhd introvert. How to follow the path of prophet Muhammad and become successful while I go to college and in my public and private life especially at work.

Assalamu Alaikum,

Thank you for your message. You’re asking how you can act upon Islam and defend it as an introverted person with ADHD, especially as you try to follow the path of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) while navigating college, work, and your personal life. First of all—mashaAllah! You have such a noble goal, and may Allah bless you for that. May He support you in your journey and make your path easy. Ameen.

You mentioned being an ADHD introvert. While I don’t know the exact nature of your diagnosis, it sounds like you may face some challenges related to focus, consistency, and social energy. And that’s okay. Allah created us all with different personalities, temperaments, and capacities. There’s no one single way to be in Islam. 

What matters most is taqwa—our God-consciousness, sincerity, and effort.

In the Quran, Allah speaks about righteousness and the importance of doing good: 

“Righteousness is not in turning your faces towards the east or the west. Rather, the righteous are those who believe in Allah, the Last Day, the angels, the Books, and the prophets; who give charity out of their cherished wealth to relatives, orphans, the poor, ˹needy˺ travellers, beggars, and for freeing captives; who establish prayer, pay alms-tax, and keep the pledges they make; and who are patient in times of suffering, adversity, and in ˹the heat of˺ battle. It is they who are true ˹in faith˺, and it is they who are mindful ˹of Allah˺.” (Quran 2:177)

“Whoever does good, whether male or female, and is a believer, We will surely bless them with a good life, and We will certainly reward them according to the best of their deeds.”  (Quran 16:97)

Yes, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was sent to perfect noble character, and that includes many traits that aren’t dependent on being extroverted or outspoken—like honesty, trustworthiness, humility, fairness, kindness, and seeking knowledge. You can embody these beautiful qualities regardless of whether you’re someone who thrives in the spotlight or prefers quiet spaces.

Islam gives us many ways to serve and do good. If public speaking or activism isn’t your strength, that’s not a problem. You can do so much behind the scenes, privately, and quietly—and that can even be more beloved to Allah. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said that one of the seven types of people who will be shaded on the Day of Judgment is the one who gives charity so secretly that even their left hand doesn’t know what the right has given. SubhanAllah—Islam honors those who do good in silence.

So don’t underestimate the value of small, consistent, sincere actions. Helping a friend, supporting someone who’s struggling, being kind in your everyday interactions, or simply maintaining your own spiritual routine—these all count as living your faith.

Also, being an introvert can be a strength. It may allow you to reflect deeply, form meaningful connections, and avoid the traps of showing off or insincerity. You don’t have to influence the whole world to have a meaningful impact. You were created for a purpose, in this time, at your place, and in your situation. If you influence just your immediate circle—your friends, family, classmates, or coworkers—with compassion, sincerity, and integrity, that is more than enough.

Not everyone is meant to be a public figure or global leader. Some people change the world from their homes, their classrooms, or through quiet, consistent goodness that no one else sees—but Allah sees, and that’s what matters most.

So, learn about the character of the Prophet (peace be upon him), and work on embodying his beautiful traits in your way, at your pace. Focus on sincerity, not visibility. Remember: even if no one else notices, Allah does. And He will reward you for your efforts, intentions, and struggles.

May Allah strengthen you, help you act upon your faith with confidence, and grant you success in both this life and the next. You are capable, inshaAllah—and what you offer, even in your quiet way, is valuable and enough.

Ameen.

Question 4. How to move on

Years ago when I was in my very early twenties I accidentally interacted with a man, around 10 years my senior and divorced with children online. I was in a bad place in life and I felt like he was my comfort. I would fantasize about him etc and try to get his attention. Anyways I made tawbah for that and promised myself I wouldn’t talk to any man even if it’s a short convo. I completely changed my ways. However I was very much infatuated with him. I would constantly look him up and think of him etc (i have waswasa tendencies) I tried to get my family to get me married to him but they declined. And he was interested several times at least from our interaction online (anlthough I bumped into him IRL) And I accept that now. And I recently discovered that he got married.. I’m shocked but I think he was in the process months ago and I would constantly cry about it and I was in extreme grief to the point I’d wake up several times and cry at night. I wouldn’t sleep sometimes and I’d get aches in my tummy and feel a sort of shame like ache on my body. And I beg Allah to make me forget him. And it’s a bit better . Now to the point. I made tawbah because I felt it was my sin of just trying to banter which led to this infatuation and I made tawbah for it. The issue is that now I’m 26 years old. He was my first real crush. I feel like I wasted all my youth being delusional. I would end up with him or in paradise.I was closer to my teens and now I’m closer to my 30s. I really see myself not being with anybody else but him. So I refused to get married. Every proposal I would get I would reject because I’d compare myself to him. I was not attracted to anybody because I felt they weren’t my type. And I don’t know how to even bring myself to get married. At first it beg Allah to get married for years and then even whilst I was in love with him I really disliked all the men even though I gave them a chance. I don’t know if I have too high standards or what. But I felt like this guy crossed every box except maybe the reason which my family rejected him . Everyone in my circle thinks I’m being delusional and they’re right but I don’t know how to move on and even try to love someone who actually suits me and is in my “lane”.

I never thought this would happen to me. Since I was a child I stayed away from relationships and I thought people who did this were not wise and I ended up tasting the same thing. My sister is the same way as me. She rejects every proposal. I know she liked someone when she was in her early twenties and now she is in her thirties and doesn’t want to marry anybody.

Assalamualaikum, sister,

Thank you for writing this letter and for sharing your situation about your struggles to get married..

You mentioned that years ago, you met someone online and began talking to him. Eventually, he married someone else, but you still find yourself unable to forget him. This attachment has reached a point where you’re struggling to consider other marriage proposals. At the same time, you’re feeling guilty and sad for spending years thinking about someone who is no longer available to you.

You shared that this person seemed to “check every box” for you—except for the one reason your family rejected him. I want to gently emphasize something here: while I understand that you got to know each other to some extent, and I don’t know exactly how deep those conversations were, it sounds—just as you insightfully mentioned—that this connection might be more of an infatuation than a grounded, realistic bond.

The important question here is: What are the desires, wishes, and ideals you’re placing onto this person? Is it possible that your attachment is less about who he is, and more about what he represents for you? 

Sometimes we unconsciously hold onto someone who is unavailable as a way of protecting ourselves—from disappointment, from real-life challenges, from vulnerability, or even from our own feelings of inadequacy and fears of failing when it comes to love and relationships.

In that sense, chasing someone who is out of reach can become a form of emotional protection. It can feel safer to hold onto a dream than to face the imperfect realities of real relationships, which always come with conflicts, compromises, and growth. And it’s okay—because none of us are perfect, and neither will our future partners or relationships be. We are going to err. Marriage isn’t free from struggle; it includes it, and works through it.

So I gently ask: to what extent might a fear of your own imperfections—or the fear of confronting them in a real relationship—be influencing your desire to hold on to this person?

If this resonates with you, I highly recommend seeking counseling. A supportive space can help you explore the deeper reasons behind this attachment, and help you move forward with clarity and emotional strength.

I am sure you know, dear sister, that if Allah has written something for you, it will come to you—and if not, it won’t. Sometimes things are delayed because we still need to learn, grow, and open our hearts to the possibilities that Allah has prepared for us.

That “ideal” man may have seemed like he checked every box—but even perceived compatibility is no guarantee of success in this life. Someone else, in a different way, may turn out to be even more compatible with you, especially once you see things through a clearer lens.

This is about shifting perspective—learning to see your situation differently, with more self-compassion and trust in Allah’s wisdom and timing. You’re not too late. You’re not behind. Every delay has its reason. The more you understand yourself, the better you’ll be able to build a truly meaningful relationship when the right time and person comes.

May Allah make it easy for you, and guide you toward what is best in both this life and the next, 

Question 5. Being wronged

Growing up I had a really hard life, I ended up becoming best friends in the 5th grade with this really rich non Muslim girl, she also had issues at home. She would call me up constantly throughout our time in school, she had anxiety and depression, she’d call me up at 4 am etc. to talk her through her panic attacks, she relied on me for intense emotional support like in regards to her absent parents who would be abroad or not present, I let her have access to my family for support, she would call me all throughout the day and talk even when I didn’t want to sometimes and our relationship had a lot of things like this; then she went for therapy around the same time I was having a lot of issues (towards the end of high school) and was not really there for me when I asked for help and I was really hurt, our friendship eventually deteriorated, I was not perfect I was also growing up at the time but I had really been there for her and tried my best to be a really good friend, and she took so much from me, eventually we stopped talking and it kind of ended in a weird way but in my head I still cared a lot about her.

However, the last time I spoke to her once I started college she spoke a lot of therapy talk to me, the way she spoke made it seem like I was this side character in her grand movie like story and she had ‘grown’ and stuff like that and it made feel really small and unworthy, that all the love and care I had for her were basically meaningless, she even told me that she had ‘forgiven herself’ but didn’t apologise to me. She’s done really well in life, since she came from a very very wealthy family and has achieved a lot in terms of getting into one of the best universities in the world, stuff like that, and I was stuck dealing with all my problems and issues and the baggage she left behind. Why did this happen to me? It’s been years now, but I can’t get over it. When I think of her it’s like all my wounds reopen and she’s always at the back of my head because I feel like it’s so unfair that she got to get away with it so easily, plus people will always admire her and everybody knew we were best friends so they relate me to her and ask me about her, and I feel so left behind and wronged. I cared so much about her too, and in the end it seemed like she was completely indifferent. It was so unfair, do people who’ve wronged others just get away with it? I feel horrible and helpless

Assalamualaikum brother,

Thank you for your letter. I’m really sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. 

You explained that growing up, life was very difficult for you. During that time, you became best friends with a non-Muslim girl from a wealthy background who was also struggling at home. You were there for her, especially when she was hurting. You talked for hours, supported her emotionally, and were deeply present in her life.

Eventually, the communication stopped. She went to therapy and, when she returned, you found that her way of talking had changed—and that made you feel small and unhealthy, almost as if the things you had done for her no longer mattered. She said she had forgiven herself, but she never apologized to you. That must have felt deeply unfair.

Now it seems like her life is going well—she got into a prestigious university, comes from a well-off family, and is admired by many. Meanwhile, you’re left feeling stuck, unseen, and left behind. People still ask you about her, knowing you were close, and that only adds to the pain. You cared for her deeply, but she seems indifferent now, and that’s understandably very hurtful.

Brother, from what you’ve shared, it sounds like she was filling an emotional void in your life—a space where you longed for connection, care, and validation, especially considering the hardships you faced growing up. 

While you may not have been expressing your own needs back then, you were likely fulfilling some emotional needs through that bond with her. Similarly, she was probably leaning on you during a time when she felt broken, and in that way, your friendship may have felt mutually supportive.

However, it also seems like she eventually had the chance—perhaps through therapy or other support—to begin healing her own wounds. The question is: have you had the chance to do the same for yourself? Because often, when we don’t address those core emotional wounds, we continue to feel small, unworthy, and left behind—especially when others appear to be moving forward.

These feelings of unworthiness, invisibility, and emotional neglect are not signs of weakness. They are valid emotional injuries, and probably were there before you got to know her. 

You deserve the care, validation, and support that perhaps you didn’t receive earlier in life. You are not lesser, you are not forgotten, and your worth does not depend on how she treats you—or who admires you.

I understand that this friendship may have given you a glimpse of being seen and cared for, even if temporarily. But true healing comes when you begin to meet your own emotional needs and rebuild your sense of self-worth from the inside out.

I strongly encourage you to seek counseling or therapy if you can. Speaking to someone who can help you work through these feelings—your fears, wounds, and insecurities—can be deeply healing. It can also help you see that you are not defined by your past, by how someone else treated you, or by what others think.

You are not worthy because of your connection to her, and you’re not unworthy because that connection faded. 

It’s natural to seek validation, but that foundation of self-worth must come from within—and from knowing that your value is with Allah, not with people.

And finally, brother, while it may feel like she was indifferent, that doesn’t necessarily mean she used you or didn’t care. It could simply be that she was focused on her own pain, and unfortunately, never learned how to acknowledge yours. But that doesn’t define you, or the depth of your care, or your capacity for connection.

May Allah ease your heart,

Question 6. Divorce from non-Muslim husband

I have been married nearly 30 yrs.

I’m 60 and my husband does not understand why a religion would break up a married his not a believer and he supports me in Islam. I was told I was not to be with him to get divorced. I love my faith and wouldn’t want that to change so after all this time I’ve not found out the true answer. My children are all grown and support me too. I am not in the bursision to leave the home if I have or do I have too I was having marriage problems but we got through that I still sleep down stairs but now my husbands saying this why can’t you now sleep upstairs im afraid of sinning and i’m very naive and quite he don’t believe in religions and he said never will we where Mormons but all left in 2011 im the only one practising in the islamic faith I just need proper guidance and answers thankyou JZK

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you so much for your message. From what you described, you accepted Islam nearly 14 years ago, Alhamdulillah, and you’ve been married for over 30 years. Now in your 60s, you’ve spent more than half your life with your husband. You share a long-standing bond, grown-up children, and despite some marital struggles—like any relationship—you still love and care for each other.

You mentioned that after reverting to Islam, you were told you would need to divorce your non-Muslim husband, and you’ve been carrying this concern for some time. I can truly feel the weight of your struggle, especially when you’re still practicing your faith, and your husband has been supportive of your religious journey.

Let me begin by acknowledging something important: yes, Islamic rulings generally state that a Muslim woman cannot remain married to a non-Muslim man. This ruling is based on protecting the faith and ensuring a believer’s connection with Allah remains strong, particularly when it comes to the spiritual leadership in a household.

However, life is not always black-and-white. As a counselor (and not a scholar), I can say that while these rulings are clear in principle, real-life situations often involve complexity, emotions, family bonds, and long histories that cannot be ignored. You’ve built a life together, raised children, and found ways to practice your faith while being supported by your husband. These are not small things—they matter.

What I would advise is this: please consult a knowledgeable and trusted scholar who can look at your specific situation with wisdom, compassion, and insight. Sometimes, rulings that are general need careful application when it comes to particular life circumstances. There may be nuances in your case that a qualified scholar can take into account before giving advice.

And remember, Allah is the Most Merciful and the Most Just. He knows your intentions. He knows your heart. Your effort to stay true to your faith while also honoring a long-standing marriage is seen and known by Him.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. This is not an easy situation. Ending a decades-long marriage in later life is not something anyone takes lightly. You’re not ignoring your faith—you’re simply trying to navigate your reality with sincerity and wisdom. 

So again, reach out to a scholar with the full details of your situation. Ask not just for a ruling, but for advice with compassion and guidance with context. 

May He make this path clear for you, 

Quesiton 7. Marriage issue

I love my husband so much, and he loves me. We were together before we got married; we are aware the relationship began when we were not as close to God as we have become. We have repented for our relationship and regained our connection to Islam together.

However, he asked me for a divorce recently. He had been apparently depressed since we married: at first, it was because of his new job, once that was resolved, we had two weeks of joy before he began questioning our relationship. The issue appeared to be our comparability: he’s from a Muslim country, I am not. We met when he studied abroad during college. There is a cultural and linguistic gap. Since marriage, I believe there is also a religious practicing gap: he knows more about Islam than I do, so I haven’t known what I don’t know. But that means I don’t practice as he does; though, I’m willing to learn and grow.

He is scared of our future. He wants to go to his country , to which I have agreed. But he now questions everything: there is no guarantee we will stay in his country; there is no guarantee we will be happy; there is no guarantee our kids will turn out good people. My family scares him, too, as those who aren’t Muslim drink alcohol and various other things not allowed by our standards.

He fully believes the issue is our marriage, though I believe it’s because of the trauma of losing his mother three years ago that he has not addressed.

However, we love each other deeply. He wants to end it to honor us. But I want to fight: I didn’t move to a new country to join him to end our relationship.

He has been in therapy since January and believes he has tried everything. There is nothing left. But he is willing to go to marriage counseling to help with the transition, even though he told me to not have hope because he won’t change his mind.

There is no harm or toxicity between us. We communicate exceptionally well and spoke though all of these issues before we got married. I feel blindsided and so does he, by his feeling now.

But I reject this? Or should I accept it and move on? I do not know what to do. I want to fight for this.

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for sharing your heart and your struggle. You shared that your husband recently asked for a divorce—not because of toxicity or a lack of love, but because he feels he’s questioning things deeply within himself. Despite your deep connection, he seems convinced that separation is the best way forward. While he’s willing to go to marriage counseling, it’s only, as he says, to help you both transition through this ending—not to work on rebuilding the marriage.

This is understandably devastating for you, especially because you still love him and want to fight for the relationship. You believe that some of this may stem from unresolved grief, particularly the loss of his mother three years ago, which may have opened the door to deeper emotional wounds or even depression.

Sister, the fact that you’re willing to fight for your marriage shows your capacity for love, resilience, and your faith in healing and growth. But here’s the painful truth that I need to gently share: sometimes, even with all our will and love, we cannot heal someone else’s wounds for them. 

As much as you may see his pain, and understand its roots, healing is something only he can do for himself. And only when – if ever-  he is ready for that

You mentioned that you see strengths and potential in him—perhaps even more than he sees in himself. But sometimes this can turn into an expectation. You might find yourself hoping he’ll grow into a version of himself that he’s not ready—or willing—to become. 

That gap can unintentionally lead to pressure, even if your intentions are pure and loving. He may interpret this as a silent expectation to be someone he’s not currently able to be. That can increase his feelings of inadequacy or frustration, which sadly may push him even further away.

That’s why one of the hardest acts of love is acceptance—not of what could be, but of what is.

Your instinct about his grief and deeper unresolved trauma might be completely valid. But until he chooses to face and work through that with honesty and commitment, the relationship can only grow so far. If he truly has no intention of reconciling or working toward the marriage, then counseling may not serve the purpose you hope for—because healing a marriage typically requires two committed ones.

At this point, you may need to shift your focus to what is within your control:

1. Accepting the reality as it is, not as you wish it could be.
   
2. Letting go of expectations, not because you don’t care, but because clinging to a version of him that doesn’t exist right now will only deepen your, and probably his pain.
   
3. Trusting that Allah knows what you do not. Sometimes a door closing—even painfully—is a mercy that only reveals its wisdom with time.
   

Sister, if this separation is truly happening because he cannot or will not address his emotional wounds, then this too may be Allah’s way of protecting you from a future where you would carry the weight of both your pain and his. Accepting the fact that even with faith and willingness there are things that are beyond our control can be relieving. 

So for now, do what you can to pray for him, and put your full trust in Allah and in His plan. Also, consider seeking individual counseling for yourself to process everything and to stay grounded in your self-worth and purpose, no matter what happens.

And remember, your love, effort, and sincerity are never wasted in the sight of Allah. He sees your struggle, and He knows your heart.

May Allah bring ease your situation,

Question 8. Marriage problems

We had an argument, and she didn’t listen to me, so I reached out to her father for help. Since then, she’s been sending me hateful messages, calling me all kinds of names. Now, she’s telling me when I can see my son. I told her I’ll speak to her father about it. Financially I pay for everything any time I need financial help,  it’s an issue yet when she needs help with taking care of the house or child I must do it .. it’s like a demand … soon as I finish work she said it’s your turn .. put him to sleep and you can do what you want I don’t need to after that .. the only time I can go out is after son has been put to sleep ..I had a period when I was watching porn .. any argument she would bring that up and use that’s to guilt me into thing I’m at fault for everything ..

It feels like she’s using guilt to manipulate me into doing what she wants, and I’ve had enough. I’ve moved out and stopped engaging with her. I’ve spoken to her father, but nothing has changed. Now, she’s taken the cameras off in the house and is ignoring my calls, so I can’t even see my child. She’s avoiding me completely and told me she’s done.. she’s been planting stuff into my 3 years old head that I left and I don’t live here ect I’m not sure what to do her parents haven’t don’t anything js told me to not to go home as you’ll argue .. she told her mom she wasn’t to take my house and take my son away from me

Assalamualaikum brother,

Thank you for your letter. You have explained that you had an argument with your wife. You pay for everything, and when you need help, she’s not there for you. But when she needs help around the house and with your son, you feel like you just must obey. You feel that she’s using guilt to manipulate you into things that she wants, and you have had enough. You have moved out and stopped engaging with her. You have spoken to her father, but nothing has changed.

Now she’s taking the cameras off in the house and is ignoring your calls, so you can’t even see your child. She’s trying to avoid you completely and told you that she’s done. You don’t know what to do. Her parents haven’t done anything, just told you not to go home, as you will argue again.

Brother, I’m sorry for the situation. 

The thing that would be good to think about is what you want — first of all, whether you love her, whether you see a future in this marriage, and whether you are willing to solve any issues with her.

Willing to solve any issues means also to be ready to listen to her, understand her needs, be ready to admit mistakes, apologize, and adapt or compromise. And of course, the same thing applies to her as well. 

So when we say that we are willing to work on our marriage, we need to be able to do these things. Otherwise, we are just going to continue the discussion where we stopped, blaming each other without really understanding and addressing issues.

So these are the first questions that you have to ask yourself — whether you are ready to solve these issues in the marriage, whether you love her enough to do that. Once you have the answer, express this to her, and ask her to do the same.

Ask her because, of course, this situation cannot go back and forth. It’s not like she can just stop you from seeing your son. There is a legal framework in marriage, with duties and rights. It seems that both need to move forward from this situation— toward a clearer outcome, either together or separately.

Please ask her to reflect on these questions as well. A marriage counselor could help if your family is unable to support reconciliation. It would be good to involve a professional who can mediate and help you in this marriage further. 

And of course, if one of you wants to reconcile and the other does not, that’s a complicated situation, because the willingness must come from both. This requires deep reflection from both of you. 

And in the end, if you find out that you don’t want to reconcile, still there is a legal framework for separation and duties and rights, and both of you have to comply with that.

So regarding your child for example, there should be clear boundaries and norms , and both of you should comply. There are laws and rulings that regulate those norms, and both of you have to do your best — at least for the sake of Allah — to respect them.

Please don’t lose hope. Everything will be okay. Just start by figuring out what you want, what you feel, what you are willing to do, and ask the same from her as well. Do it in a kind, respectful note. It’s not about emotional issues — it’s about a rational discussion of partnership and whether you are able to work together or not.

May Allah help you with that, 

Question 9. His family doesn’t want to accept me for my work

We have known each other for 5 years now. Maintained our distance.

His family won’t accept me for marriage because of my job. And are creating issues for him and me to get married. I work as a cabin crew to support my family and my father. I don’t plan to work after marriage and am working in this field only because of money and not by choice. He’s trying to talk to them but they’re giving him the cold shoulder. I really need guidance on how to convince them. I don’t want to lose him.

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for your letter. You say that your husband’s family has rejected you because you work as a cabin crew member. You did this because you had to support your family, and while you are not planning to work after marriage, it seems to me that his family is not okay with your past — let’s say it that way — and they are not willing to let their son marry you. You are looking for guidance on how you can convince them.

I’m sorry, sister, for the situation, and I totally understand this. The thing is, some families or some people find no harm in working on an airplane, while others can have a more conservative view on that and may see religious or even cultural issues with it. I’m not going to comment on that — you can ask a scholar about this.

What I will try to focus on is that, for some reason, this seems to be a deal-breaker for them, and it seems hard to change their mind. I understand, sister, and I don’t know — the thing is that while Allah is forgiving and most merciful, and we know that we can change and transform our lives, and we can move away from things we no longer find good or beneficial for us, sometimes we had no choice. Sometimes we make decisions based on religious ignorance, confusion of priorities, and so forth.

But some people are not as forgiving as Allah is. Some people have a hard time reconciling and putting enough trust that, for example, a person can change. Some think your job is who you truly are, and you are judged based on that choice — and they fail to see your other qualities or your overall outlook and potential in life.

I cannot tell you how to convince them, because it is really in the hands of Allah — whether He wants you to marry this person or not, and whether you can be together or not. What I can tell you is that you can try your best. You can try to really address his parents’ core or underlying fears regarding the marriage.

Most likely, they want to protect their son. They may worry about reputation, or they may have other concerns. What you can try to do is talk about why you believe you are much more than what they assume about you. You can say that everyone has a chance to grow, to improve, and to move forward.

So, what I think is the best — or at least something that can be done — is a really sincere conversation: about why you chose that job, what you expected from it, and to acknowledge any error you may have made in judgment when choosing that job. Also, acknowledge their fears or reluctance about it, and try to demonstrate that you are a righteous person and should not be judged solely based on your job.

When you try to approach the conversation — if there is room — do it with sincerity, admit your stance, listen to their fears, and try to address them. Then, you have done what you could.

If they are not willing to accept this marriage, maybe Allah has other plans. So, put your trust in Allah and in His plan. Pray for a righteous spouse — someone who is truly meant to be your partner, and with whom you can have a happy life.