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Shyness & Self-Doubt Hinder My Marriage Search

31 July, 2023
Q I am someone who is willing to get married, but when I get a marriage proposal, I begin to doubt if they will really like me for who I am because most men of where I live do not marry for the Islamic purpose but rather for their satisfaction, that is why many marriages here do not last. I am 26 years and I have never had a boyfriend.

If I am approached for the purpose of relationship or marriage, I would begin to look for fault in the person to discourage me and will lastly decline without even giving it a try and later on would start feeling regretful as to why I didn't even try.

I am really scared as I am approaching 30 and all my friends are married and also, it's long since I have received a proposal. And also, even if I do in the future, I am afraid I might decline.

I know marriage is an important sunnah of the Prophet, I would like to complete it and really want to get married before I clock 30. But the shyness, self-doubt within me that my spouse might not be satisfied with me both physically and mentally, and also the happenings I see in marriages around me nowadays scare me a lot.

Please I need some guidance on how to tackle these issues.

Ma'assalam

Answer

You would like to get married, but once you get a proposal, you start doubting yourself.

How can you overcome this and become more confident in your qualities?

Write a list of the things you like in all aspects of life: your spirituality, personality, and hobbies. Then take another list and write down what you would like to improve.

Ideally, the first list should be much longer; otherwise, it can be indicative that you have low self-esteem and do not love yourself enough.

And if you do not love yourself, it is hard to believe that others will love you.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.