Q I am dealing with feeling very guilty and sad because of all the mistakes I have done in my past and in the recent past (bad habits like PM, listening to music, illicit relationship). Alhmadulillah, I have been able to repent every time I committed these sins, however, I used to fall back every now and then. Alhamdulillah since a few months I have been able to stop all these sins all together and I keep striving in praying on time, reading Quran and being a good family member and friend for my community.

However, recently, I got to know a brother who said he wanted to get to know me for marriage. I insisted for him to come and talk to my wali; he didn’t approach my wali because he was not ready to get married (student; no house or financial means). We broke off contact because we couldn’t get married in the short term and we didn’t want to fall in haram.

However, I keep blaming myself that marriage didn’t happen for me now with this brother because Allah is perhaps punishing me because if my mistakes, because these mistakes/bad habits also occasionally happened during the time I talked to the brother. I feel like I am a bad person. The brother and I closed contact well and he said he was very happy to know me and he was impressed by my character and he would love to contact me again to proceed for marriage once he is stable and actually ready. He said the only reason he couldn’t proceed was because he realized he couldn’t manage a marriage right now with the means and mentality he has right now. I feel I don’t deserve him because of my mistakes and I feel maybe it is because of my own wrong doing. I feel whenever I do/try a good deed, it is nothing compared to the wrong I have done. Now I have left those sins all together and I try strive to be better; however, after I lost this brother, I feel heartbroken and punished although I know Allah has my best interest.

A side note: during the contact with the brother, no physical contact has occurred and important marriage questions have been spoken about and there was definitely compatibility, only due to his study, finances and realization later he couldn’t handle a marriage right now, we decided to leave it so we won’t be engaged in haram. During the course if the contact, I was sometimes quite distant (not calling often, not meeting in person often) because I wanted to protect myself and put barakah in my process.

My questions:

- Is Allah punishing me or is this only a part of his Decree?

- Does Allah love me?

- Could Allah bring back this person in a halal way back in my life or am i too bad to deserve a happy marriage with someone i really admired?

- Was it right for me to keep my distance during the contact, or does it come off as cold?

- what practical advice do you have for me to leave my past behind me and to is this Ramadan to really transform myself without constant guilt and sadness about was has passed?

Jazakallahua khayran in advance. Please help me out with these questions.