I have a question regarding my marriage life. It's been five years of marriage. We have been together for the past two years. I can feel my husband's intimacy level is very low. He doesn't show interest in me. He doesn't desire sexual intercourse. I am the only one forcing him every time. I feel broken asking him every time. It's been just two years. Sometimes I feel like I hate him. I always fight and argue and am also fed up. Once I have discussed with him. He accepted his mistake but still he is behaving the same no changes. What can do please help
Answer
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
Intimacy is a large part of the marital relationship.
The marital relationship provides the only place where we can have these intimate needs met. When these needs are not met, it will inevitably lead to feelings of frustration because there is no other way to meet them.
The first thing I would suggest is to see if there may be some underlying reason why he is being like this. Has he always been like this? Or is it something that happened further into marriage?
Depending on your answer to this, it will determine how to best move forward.
If He Has Always Been Like This
If he has always been like this, then maybe his drive is just naturally low and you need to work together to find ways to support each other in both increasing his desire whilst meeting your needs as well.
You might encourage him to go to the doctor and get checked out. Maybe his hormone levels are off balance, or there is some other underlying condition?
Doctors frequently see this kind of thing, so it is nothing to be ashamed of. Having your support in doing so may help to encourage him more.
Perhaps there is nothing medical behind it and he is tired from working a lot.
If so, then for the sake of your marriage, you might support him in adjusting his hours to a schedule that is more suitable and see if that makes a difference. These may be some common explanations to explore.
If Something Has Happened
Alternatively, perhaps this is something that has happened in marriage and wasn’t a problem at first.
If this is the case, then you can take some time to figure out when the turning point was and use that to try and turn things back in your favor.
Often, this may come down to having children and the change of routine that comes with it, as well as the emotional shifts all around.
If this is what has happened, then it’s time to try and make space for the 2 of you again to rekindle things.
Have a Date Night
Have a date night once a week or two weeks, or whatever suits your routine. Request that a friend or family member watch your child(ren) for an hour so that you can be alone together and enjoy each other’s company.
Even if it is not having children that has caused problems with intimacy, this is good practice to have in a marriage anyway.
Often, in time, the spark in a marriage is lost and it takes time to reestablish it by spending time together doing something more fun and intimate than the daily chores of life. Snap out of that routine for a little bit each week.
This is something to establish regardless of the cause or even if it was an issue from the beginning. This might be something as simple as having dinner together or doing something together that you both enjoy.
You might even encourage him to join you in doing something that he loves to do as a way to show your feelings towards him and bring happiness to him that you can experience together.
Negative Emotions
Another thing that can reduce desire is negative emotions. Is there a chance he may be experiencing depression? Might there be something that has caused it? Changes at work? Feeling inadequate?
If you believe this could possibly be the problem, you should be sympathetic to this and encourage him to see a doctor or seek counseling.
Either way, you have noted that you feel like you hate him, and you fight and argue with him. Be aware of how this will likely only exacerbate the situation.
Ask yourself if you would like to be intimate with him if he spoke to you in the same way. You might even apologize to him for this behavior, and his heart will soften towards you and make him feel more like being intimate with you.
I hope that something here will be useful in helping you to overcome this difficulty or at least give you a better idea of how to address it with him. You can discuss it with more details by writing to us here.
Communication is very important here to ensure you are both being heard and working together to overcome this to fulfill both of your needs most effectively.
May Allah bring you both happiness and satisfaction in your marriage and make you the coolness of each other’s eyes in this life and the next.
Read more:
- Scared of Marriage and Intimacy, What to Do?
- 4 Things You Must Never Do in the Marriage Intimacy
- What Is the Level of Intimacy with a Menstruating Wife?
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.