Alhamdulillah, she isn’t abusive but her mood swings and her staying up all night had made me exhausted. So exhausted that I would have to miss out on days of university, especially whenever she’s having an episode.
I had to leave my job because of this, it feels like it’s becoming harder and harder as I keep getting frustrated with her. My other family members don't want to be involved with her and they have tendencies of being abusive.
Thus, I tried to have sabr and pray to Allah that it does get easier.
I also feel bad for my mum as she doesn’t have anyone beside her (not many family members nor friends), except me.
Answer
As-Salamu-Alaykum Sister,
I am sorry to hear about the situation with your mom and the struggles you are going through. I can imagine this is very stressful for you as well as hurtful as this is your mom. Mental health issues, particularly schizophrenia can be most difficult to deal with-especially when it is a close family member such as a mother.
Limited Family Resources for Taking Care of Parents
Sister, as you know it is children’s responsibility to take care of their parent’s when they are in need. This includes your siblings and father.
I understand you stated some of them are abusive-this cannot be tolerated…no one should be abusive to their mom or wife. It is a sin, and has legal as well as spiritual ramifications. Allah hates abusers and oppressors.
With that said-I do encourage you insha’Allah to seek out those family members who are not abusive to assist in the care of your mom.
Seeking Help form Mental Health Services
Sister I just have a few questions that I want you to think about as a way of getting you some help with your mom.
The first question is, does she receive mental health counseling on a regular basis? Does she see a psychiatrist? Is she on medication? Is she connected with community services for those with mental health issues, specifically schizophrenia?
There are usually resources in the community that help those with schizophrenia live a calmer, more adjusted life. When one has schizophrenia the need for these Interventional Services is most important. Check this page for mental health support in the UK.
Make Use and Benefit from Community Services
I kindly suggest that if she is not engaged in any services that you do make an appointment with a psychiatrist, a counselor, as well as resources in your community for those with schizophrenia. In some cases, you will be able to get outside help with your mom.
Some agencies provide mental health specialists who come into the home and stay for a portion of the day assisting the client. Other Mental Health Services can help ensure that she is compliant with her medication which will also help in the management of her symptoms.
With the implementation of community services, this should make your mom more comfortable, less agitated, and provide you with additional assistance so you can begin to regain control over your life and do the things that an 18-year-old young woman should be doing-such as making plans for your life.
Looking at the Situation
As a young person you have so much responsibility on you.
While it is incumbent upon you to help your mom, it should not have to be a full-time job with you sacrificing your whole life. Even in cases where people are very sick and need 24-7 care, for instance: people terminally ill with cancer, dementia, etc.; family members help out and take turns so one does not get burned out.
Others have outside resources which come in and help.
At this point you do not have that sister and it is unreasonable for anyone to think you can do this alone.
The point is, one person cannot be a caretaker 24/7. Eventually that person will burn out and not be a benefit to the person they are trying to help. That is why it is so important to have a team of people taking turns with care.
Reaching Out
Sister, I encourage you to reach out to family members who are willing to help and who will treat your mother with love and respect. If this is not possible, or not enough, please utilize Mental Health Community Services in your area for In-Home Care.
You are only 18 and as a young woman you should be able to have a life with friends, social time, school if you desire, and a job.
Understandably you have a mom that is ill and needs care. May Allah bless you for all that you have done and for your dedication to the future!
However, the care should be divided up in order for you to be able to maintain your own health as well as leave time for you to accomplish the goals and dreams you have for your life as well, creating a balance.
Please reach out for assistance in caring for your mom!
Self Care
In sha Allah my dear sister, I encourage you to try to incorporate self care. This would include healthy eating, social time with your sisters, exercise, taking walks in nature, practicing stress reduction techniques.
Acts of worship like going to the Masjid to pray, reading the Quran, as well as outlining and planning for those things you would like to see in your future.
A balance in life helps to ensure not only success, happiness and health, but it helps to decrease any resulting stress, resentment or depression which may result from an intense life of caretaking.
📚 Read Also: I am Single and Tired of Taking Care of My Parents Alone
Conclusion
Sister, you love your mother very much and you are a wonderful daughter.
However, to continue being a support to her you need to take care of yourself and your dreams and goals as well.
If you keep up at this pace-caretaking 24/7, ignoring your health, spiritual, and social needs, you may find yourself in a state of depression and frustration. This does not mean you are a bad person or you are weak -it only means that you are human.
Please do seek family and/or outside care for your mom as well as psychiatric and counseling appointments to ensure she has the medical attention that she needs.
Incorporate outside sources to assist you and caretaking in sha Allah.
If you choose to do these options you may find that your stress levels decrease, you will have more time to plan and live your life, and you know that your mom is getting the best care possible.
We wish you the best!
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.