He did this once during Ramadan and I was speechless. He tells me everything, does not hide anything from me. Introduces all his friends to me. He also tells me about their plans and when they get together he even calls me from there.
I guess he feels that I am easy going and as long as he tells me everything it's not a problem. I let things slide in order to maintain the peace between us. But slowly I am falling out of love with him. He is addicted to Netflix and all that vulgar shows and has no shame in watching them with me. In short I feel he has no shame.
One time he told me that his ex girlfriend (non-muslim) (who lived with him and other roommates) has a new friend who has huge boobs and his ex girlfriend keeps on talking about her. God the second hand embarrassment I felt here. (husband is a student at a university, lives in a co-ed flat with 6 others with whom he shares bathrooms and a kitchen, all have separate rooms).
Please advise.
Answer
In this counseling session:
“Your husband is undoubtedly engaged in a lot of haram. This in itself is not conducive to a healthy marital relationship. He does not seem to have any desire to change.
He also lives in an environment and spends time with people who don’t make it any easier to break him away from such behaviors.
There are however, a few ways you can approach the situation to encourage him back on the right path.”
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
There is no doubt that much of what your husband is doing is haram and not acceptable. Even for a man who isn’t married.
In your case, you had no idea about his lifestyle until after you got married. You had believed to this point that he was a pious man.
Since then he has shown many signs of living a lifestyle that is not compatible with Islam.
And naturally this is going to cause you some level of distress. You are perhaps feeling like he deceived you.
Encourage him to change
There are several ways you can motivate and support him in changing his ways without being confrontational about it.
It is usually better to start with this gentle and sometimes indirect approach so as not to cause difficulties in your relationship.
One way is to encourage him to join you in acts of worship.
Starting with prayer and establishing a routine where you pray together regularly. You might also motivate him to join you in voluntary fasts, or reading the Quran together.
This will be good for you as a couple as you unite in acts for the sake of Allah. This will also help to indirectly increase his own relationship with Allah.
As his connection with Allah increases, so will his desire to behave in ways that are pleasing to Him.
Likewise, it will also encourage him to stay clear of acts that are displeasing to Allah to fear of His punishment.
This will make him think twice about a lot of the things he is doing now.
Given that it would seem that his behaviors seem to be facilitated by the people that he hangs out with, you could motivate him to mix with other people who would be a better influence on him.
Whilst you can’t go approaching other Muslim men yourself for him to mix with.
You could invite local sisters to come to your place for dinner sometime and have them come with their husbands.
This way you can feel comfortable that your husband is spending some time with brothers.
Who can in sha Allah encourage him to change his ways. This may not be directly.
But more by being a positive influence in his life, getting in with things in ways that are more pleasing to Allah and don’t involve the haram actions that he is otherwise engaged in.
Perhaps they will also invite him places and establish relationships between themselves too.
Put your foot down
You say that he thinks you are easy going. This is probably what makes it easy for him to open up to you about everything, even the things that are haram.
However, this is probably what makes him feel like his behaviour is OK.
If you feel comfortable. Then perhaps you can be more firm and clear that what he is doing is not OK.
You don’t like it and you fear for the consequences he will face with Allah as well.
Get the support of someone of knowledge in confronting him
If you are not comfortable to say this to him, but still feel the need to let him know, then you might get the support of someone who he might be responsive to without feeling like you are nagging him.
Perhaps someone from his family, perhaps his parents as they too will be praying that he was not up to the acts that he is right now.
Check out this counseling video:
Don’t expect immediate change
With so many different aspects of his ways of life to focus on it will take some time to change his ways. He will unlikely be able to change everything all at once.
It will be a gradual process and will require some patience and support on your side too.
When you notice changes in him, notice it and comment kindly on the same to give him the extra boost of motivation to keep going.
Worst case scenario
In sha Allah once you make it clear to him that you are not happy with his behavior he will make some changes.
However, if he still makes no effort to change you may have to be very firm and make it very clear that if you don’t see any change then you have no choice but to end the relationship.
This will free you from the burden of feeling like your lack of action is somehow supporting or even encouraging his actions but also give him another motivation to quit his ways.
Summary
Your husband is undoubtedly engaged in a lot of haram. This in itself is not conducive to a healthy marital relationship. He does not seem to have any motivation to change.
He also lives in an environment and spends time with people who don’t make it any easier to break him away from such behaviors.
There are however, a few ways you can approach the situation to encourage him back on the right path.
May Allah reward your efforts to correct your husband‘s behavior for the sake of Allah.
May He guide him and you both on to the straight path and bring happiness in your marriage in this life and the next.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.