Answer
In this counseling answer:
“If you are willing to accept that you are these children’s teacher, mother, and mentor and that your calling is a very high calling, indeed, – one for which you shall be honored –, you can begin to focus on your situation as your career, calling, and a way to serve Allah (swt).”
Wa ‘Alaykum As-Salam,
This is, indeed, a difficult situation, and you will need help to complete this task. Although you have 7 children under your care, I do not know how old they are. This would make a huge difference on how you organize their care. It seems that your brother might be the eldest of the children. He is also someone who might be close to you in a way that he can become your helper. Since you mentioned that you had your first child “some years back”, might he be at least 5 years old? Also, I do not know if your husband’s situation allows him to be at home with the family. I imagine he must work long hours in order to support his family.
If you are willing to accept that you are these children’s teacher, mother, and mentor and that your calling is a very high calling, indeed, – one for which you shall be honored –, you can begin to focus on your situation as your career, calling, and a way to serve Allah (swt). Indeed, there is not a higher form of work than that which you have been called upon to do. No doubt there are and will be challenging.
With that said, organization is the key. There is not enough room in this post to detail each area that you will be organizing, but imagine that you are a teacher and you have this group every day. You would no doubt break down the day into segments, including meal times, nap times, play times, learning times, etc. You would also conduct a “task analysis” of the different daily projects that must be completed, including meal preparation, house cleaning, baths, etc. You will want to make schedules that include who takes baths and when which laundry is done on what day, etc.
At the beginning, this is a lot of work. However, if your brother, or your husband’s late brother’s children, or one of the nieces are age 12 or older, you can both include them in developing these schedules. This would help you get things organized in carrying out the daily routines. It is really about organization.
It is also about simplifying wherever you can so that you don’t have a lot of clutter and extra things that you need to clean. Even the younger ones can be assigned to tasks that will be helpful. Children above 5 can be taught to be helpers with cooking, light cleaning, etc. You will want to be tolerant of less than perfect results and learn how to live in a home that is in constant “flux”.
I used to dust and set the table at age 5. That was my “job” at home. It made me feel important and like I was part of the family. Now, in hindsight, I know that I did not always get the knives, forks, and spoons in the right place, and my dusting job was probably more about spreading it all over the place so it could re-settle, but my mother told me how proud she was of me for my work. This is the spirit and the level of tolerance with a relaxed approach to use. The children will benefit from loving structure. The organization in their lives will help those who might be traumatized to heal.
Do not forget to have “Circle” time as well. This is the time during the day when you have the children sit in a circle, and you read stories or tell them tales. If there is a lot of squabbling among them and you have one or two older children, you can train them on how to help the younger ones resolve difference without fighting. You can discuss tactics and approaches during “meetings” with the older ones when the younger ones are in bed.
Finally, ask your husband if he can attend a family meeting at least once a week. Prior to the family meeting, have a meeting with your husband to discuss the agenda of the meeting and to talk about what needs to be prioritized in the home system. The private meeting with your husband will also be a time to ask for the help that you need. If there is any way to get some additional help and support from an adult family member or other sources, do accept that help if you can.
What I have suggested to you only skims the surface of what you will really be doing as you set up your household and home for childrearing. Talking to a school teacher for consultation about organization might also be helpful if you have those options available to you.
Also, consider networking with other mothers because you might be able to work out a safety system so that if something happens at home and you need to tend to it, you have a safety buddy to call who can come. She can stay at your home while you tend to the unexpected and immediate/pressing issue. It will take a well thought out plan and time to get things running in a relatively smooth fashion.
If you can reset and wrap your mind around this not just being one of the largest challenges that you will likely ever face in your life, but also the most profound and meaningful callings, and you make the effort to reach out for support and assistance while building your support network, you will be successful, in sha’ Allah. I pray that some of my suggestions have been helpful.
Salam,
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