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I Feel Relieved When My Husband Is Away

06 February, 2023
Q Salam Aleikom. I am married for 3 years, and sadly my married life has been an unhappy one. A week after the wedding, a colleague of mine sent me a message asking how my first night was. We had not had this kind of discussion before, so it took me a while to think of an appropriate answer for him. While I was in the bath, my husband scrolled through my phone and saw the message. He was upset, understandably so. However, he became so unreasonable, accusing me of being 'too lose' with my work colleagues. We eventually resolved the issue after he made me call my colleague in his presence and tell him never to repeat that. Since then my husband has grown even more suspicious, looking through my phone, going through old Facebook messages of friends I met him, and accusing me of different things. Fortunately, there was never anything “sinister” in them. I wondered why he was being so accusatory. One day I looked through his phone and saw messages to and from girls. I figured out that he keeps initiating talks with women, calling them darling and baby, and asking for their pictures, too. Prior to our marriage, he showed me a picture on his phone. As I was looking at it, a message popped up from a girl. Looking at the discussions between them, I was hurt to see him telling the girl he wanted to meet up with her to kiss her and do more things with her. I was upset about it and confronted him. He apologized later, however, I remember vividly him making up stories about it. Looking back, I wish I had ended our relationship there and then. Apart from the infidelities, he is not a good Muslim in my view. I say this because he doesn't pray except when prompted by someone else. In addition, he lies constantly. I hear him talking to people over the phone, making up stories or accusing other people of what he has no knowledge of. 3 months after our wedding, I got so fed up with the lies, infidelities and hurt. I had got a scholarship to study abroad before we got married and I had no intention then of going. However, when the problems became too much for me, I decided to leave them behind and just go. I was pregnant then and I had a terrible time alone because I was vomiting constantly and not being able to eat much. But I felt it was nothing compared to the torture I would have gone through back home. While away, he never communicated with me unless I called him. I came home for a few months to deliver. Aside from all that, I don't get satisfied sexually. I kept quiet for a while thinking I had a problem. But some months ago, I approached him and explained I needed more, and I needed his help to know what satisfaction was. It didn't seem to bother him at all. He is a business man and sees himself as more learned and much wiser than me. He is of the opinion that women are nothing without men, even with her qualifications. He finds it difficult to provide enough money to take care of our problems despite owning his company and also being a car salesman with several of his own cars. His inability to pay his dues often gets us into trouble. I have talked to him about his behaviors, and I have talked to a friend of his, to my father, and even to his parents. Yet, he still continues with his behavior. His mother advised me to leave him and let him go on with his infidelities. I am so fed up at this time. He recently got a job away from home, so I am alone most times. When he informs me he is coming home for a few days, I get so apprehensive. I feel miserable. I get so much relief when he leaves again. My daughter will be 2 in December, and for her sake, I do not want her to grow up in such a family. What shall I do? Jazakallahu khairan.

Answer

Mawish Ali
06 February, 2023

In this counseling answer:

“I believe, with love and respect, you can put pressure on him to give up talking to other women.

Create a pleasant atmosphere for him in the house because he may be missing that.

I advise you not to let many people know about what your husband is doing because the basic principle is to conceal sins that are unknown.

Instead, you and your husband should talk to a Muslim counselor who is trained to help couples overcome their difficulties as well as not leaving him alone with the Shaytaan.

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As-Salamu ‘Aleikum,

We are glad that you approached us for advice. I will try to assist you the best I can, In sha’ Allah.

Every relationship should have a good foundation which in your case does not seem to exist.

Unfortunately, your problems with your husband have been going on since the start of your marriage, and I think the misunderstandings and the lack of trust between you both have led to a fragmented relationship.

He obviously has some bad habits talking to other women on the phone, and it seems he is struggling to put this habit aside even after his marriage.

He looked through your mobile and messages in your absence so he could blame and accuse you of having a bad character.

This way, he would not feel too bad about himself and his habits.

A marriage has ups and downs; therefore, it needs continuous maintaining.

Thus, at the start of your marriage when you got fed up with the lies, infidelities, and hurt, you should have worked on solving the problems you had with him instead of going to another country for your studies.

When you left him alone on his own, he had more free time, and his bad habits were encouraged.

While I completely understand how hard it was for you to face all those troubles, your moving to another country while being pregnant was not ideal; that was the time for you and your husband to bond with each other and for him to get attached to his unborn child.

But he did not get the chance to do so as you were away most of your pregnancy.

Your husband’s contact with other women is very wrong and is not good. He should respect you and take more responsibility for the financial part of things.

Despite all, I am certain that you have a place in his heart; were it not for that, he would have hastened to end the marital relationship after you became aware of his haraam relationships and spoke to his family about it.

I believe, with love and respect, you can put pressure on him to give up talking to other women.

For example, when he gets home from his work place, you should treat him very kindly, adorn yourself for him, wear your best clothes, and create a pleasant atmosphere for him in the house because he may be missing that.

This may lead to a more intimate closeness between you, and this way he will be able to satisfy you sexually as well, In sha’ Allah.

You have spoken to everyone about his behavior, even to his mother, without getting any good results.

Therefore, I advise you not to let many people know about what your husband is doing because the basic principle is to conceal sins that are unknown.

Instead, you and your husband should talk to a Muslim counselor who is trained to help couples overcome their difficulties as well as not leaving him time when he is alone with the Shaytaan.

His daily schedule should be full with working, attending Islamic study circles or exercising.

Offer a lot of du’aa’ for him to be guided and set straight, for the best weapon of the believer is du’aa’.

Finally, if what is mentioned above does not succeed in putting a stop to his behavior, you can ask for a divorce, but start by threatening to ask for it.

If he remains as he is, you have the right to seek a way out of the calamity you have been facing by asking for a divorce. But divorce should be the last option.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

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