I’m annoyed/let down that my husband who is supposed to be Muslim started to drink alcohol.
He started it a few years ago, socially. I didn’t approve, and I asked him to stop. But, he still does it with his friends and sometimes in the house.
I always wanted a husband who would be a non-drinker. I’m depressed and discouraged that I ended up with this kind of situation. It disgusts me.
I don’t like it, but he insists that it is important to him. I think it’s selfish. Honestly, I think it impacts our marriage.
As a side note: I live in an area with few Muslims. We are a small minority.
So, I didn’t have too many options for marriage partners when I got married 13 years ago. I just was looking for any Muslim guy I could possibly find.
I wish I had found someone different, but this is what I’m stuck with, and we have 2 children together.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Even though he is your husband, you do have Islamic rights as a Muslim and can demand that alcohol is not brought into your home.
Please do seek out a time when things are calm to speak with your husband about his drinking.
Sister, you may want to request from your husband that the two of you spend more time engaged in Islamic events, praying together, reading Qur’an together with the children.
Sister, insha’Allah, seek out counsel from the imam at the Masjid concerning the drinking and your marriage.
Ask Allah to protect and guide you as you attempt to resolve the situation and save your marriage
As salamu alaykum sister,
I am sorry to hear about the issues with your husband. I am sure this hurts you very much and you are at a loss about how to address this situation. As a Muslim, it is a very difficult situation to deal with as drinking alcohol is forbidden.
As a wife, I can imagine you feel very disappointed in his decision to drink as that is not “what you signed up for” when you married him.
History
It appears that you were happily married for 13 years. You and your husband have two children together. Recently your husband started to drink alcohol.
You stated he started drinking socially a few years ago and just kept going. Even though you did ask him to stop he refuses. You feel depressed and discouraged and disgusted.
Haram Habits
Sister sometimes Muslims backslide and start doing things that are haram and sinful. Unfortunately, he has started a very bad habit. As you know we are forbidden to drink alcohol and situations like this illustrate the dangers.
As your husband was previously a non-drinker, he now compromises his Islamic values, his marriage, and his relationship with Allah. Perhaps he thinks that a few drinks socially would not hurt. As it has been a few years now and he has continued drinking, perhaps it has become a habit and something he does socially as well as to reduce stress.
Check out this counseling video:
Your Rights
As a Muslim you have the right not to have alcohol in your house. Even though he is your husband you do have Islamic rights as a Muslim and can demand that alcohol is not brought into your home. You have Islamic law to back you up on that.
It may not make him happy or pleasant, in fact it may make him angry but the fact remains you should not have alcohol in your home. His drinking is not only harming him, but it is harming you and the children.
You are raising your children as Muslims; how does this look to them that their father drinks alcohol? This is something you may want to ask your husband.
Seeking Support and Help
Sister, insha’Allah, seek out counsel from the imam at the Masjid concerning the drinking and your marriage. He may be able to provide further Islamic solutions to this issue.
You may also wish to see if there are Islamic/Muslim counselors in your area. The reason I am suggesting Islamic /Muslim counselors is because in this situation our religion forbids alcohol and perhaps a non-Muslim counselor would not understand this.
Speaking with Husband
Sister, please do sit down when things are calm and talk to your husband about marriage counseling to help resolve this problem. You may even want to suggest that he attends AA meetings to learn about drinking patterns.
Friends can and do influence decisions in people who may be less grounded in their faith or convictions. Perhaps your husband needs to look at his choice of friends as well as his inability to stand up against things he knows are haram and harmful.
As the drinking behavior is something he’s actively engaged in he may not like these ideas at all, especially education from AA as it is assuming he’s an alcoholic.
I am not implying he is; I have no idea, only Allah knows, but I am just offering a reference point of education for him as well as you. This would enable him (and you) to learn more about the possibilities of addiction and the dangers of drinking.
Insha’Allah sister, you may want to request from your husband that the two of you spend more time engaged in Islamic events, praying together, reading Qur’an together with the children. Spending times in nature as a family (relaxing) and focusing on rebuilding a relationship with each other that is based on Islamic principles.
False Security
Many people drink on a social basis and they are not alcoholics and is not a problem for them. However, it can very easily turn into an addiction and this is a problem.
In this case as he is Muslim, drinking alcohol is considered Haram in general. Therefore, not only his marriage, but his spirituality is at stake.
Options
Sister you may want to think about your options as you stated he was not your first choice for a husband as there were not many Muslims in your area.
However, you are married now with two children and from what you have written it seems that the marriage was okay until he started drinking. As Allah hates divorce and you are not being abused and the kids are safe, I am kindly suggesting that you try to work this out.
Trying to Resolve Issue
Please do seek out a time when things are calm to speak with your husband about his drinking. You may wish to discuss it with him in private at first or bring in a family member who would be supportive yet not bias.
Perhaps with extra encouragement your husband will see the light concerning the dangers of his ways. When you speak to your husband insha’Allah assure him of your love for him, you’re concerned for his health and spirituality.
Indicate that as your marriage is built on the foundations of Islam, you seek to strengthen in faith when one is weak or on the wrong path. That is what spouses do for one another as partners in life.
Marriage Counseling
Sister ask your husband to go for marriage counseling as well. If you feel that is necessary at this point. If he refuses sister I would highly suggest that you do remain firm in not having alcohol in your home especially since you have children in the home. It is a bad example and of course it is Haram.
If Husband Refuses
If your husband refuses to quit drinking, refuses counseling, and refuses to see further education on the dangers, you will have to determine if you this is something that you will be able to live with, or if you need to make changes.
In thinking about your options, please do think about your children and how you would like them to be raised, what the dangers are that they could be exposed to due to his drinking, as well as your own deen, spirituality, and mental health.
Conclusion
Sister, if he does not want to stop drinking you may wish to engage in counseling in your area with an Islamic counselor who can help you and guide you through your feelings and future decisions.
Stay close to Allah swt through prayer, dzhkir, and duaa. Ask Allah to protect and guide you as you attempt to resolve the situation and save your marriage. We wish you the best.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/muslim-issues/science-muslim-issues/new-year-without-alcoholism/
https://aboutislam.net/muslim-issues/science-muslim-issues/genetics-of-alcoholism/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-scholar/food-slaughter/dangers-drinking-alcohol/