I'm a 22-year-old female, currently in a relationship with someone who loves me deeply.
Our parents met, and we're planning to get engaged next year, in shaa’ Allah. This guy is everything I have asked Allah for in a person, but sometimes I feel like I take him for granted.
How could a person not take their spouse for granted? Is it haram to find yourself attracted to other people? Is having thoughts or fantasies considered cheating? How can one lower their gaze and control their sex drive?
My conscience is killing me.
Answer
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• Why not hasten the marriage? You could meet your needs in an acceptable way.
• Cut contact with him until you are in a position to get married. Otherwise, these negative feelings will only get stronger.
• Fasting is one of the first things prescribed to assist a Muslim in lowering his/her gaze and sexual desires.
• Keep busy in acts of ibadah (worship), as it will help to increase your remembrance of Allah.
Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,
Islamically, it is not acceptable to be in a relationship outside marriage. Since you are not married yet you should be very careful regarding any contact with him until you are spouses in front of Allah.
Being in a relationship with someone outside of marriage will naturally result in the development of feelings and will only heighten the feeling of sexual attraction and the likelihood of committing zina. Therefore, the best thing you can do to control such desires is to cut contact with this man until you are married.
If you are serious about marrying him, and if he really is a good guy and your parents are supportive of the marriage, then why not hasten the marriage? You could meet your needs in an acceptable way.
Having the means to do so in a halal manner will automatically assist you in lowering your gaze and inappropriate sexual drive. You will have your needs met in a way that is acceptable. It will also take any feelings you have towards others away as you will have a partner in life to provide the love and security that you need, and you won’t feel the need to look elsewhere.
The longer you remain in a relationship where you cannot achieve all the things that a married couple would, the more you will be preoccupied with the thoughts you are having.
What Marriage Brings
It might feel like the thoughts you are having are part of taking a spouse for granted, but it is because you are not married that such thoughts are running wild in your head. You simply don’t have the security that marriage brings.
Keep in mind that you are not yet his wife and thus aren’t obliged to him. So any thoughts you have about others shouldn’t even make you feel guilty because you are not committed to him.
Tips
I do advise you to cut contact with him until you are in a position to get married. Otherwise, these negative feelings will only get stronger, and shaytan will only make it more difficult for you to control yourself.
Cutting contact with him will also help you lower your gaze as putting a distance will reduce the temptation. However, there are also other things you can do to assist you.
Check out this counseling video:
Fasting is one of the first things prescribed to assist a Muslim in lowering his/her gaze and sexual desires. It is a task that helps you to learn to control all of your desires and with regular practice. It could eventually become a habit for you that assists you in controlling all desires.
Additionally, alongside cutting contact with this guy, avoiding being in mixed gatherings will also help. Try avoiding things such as watching TV programs or reading internet articles that promote haram thinking and behavior.
Instead, keep busy in acts of ibadah (worship), as it will help to increase your remembrance of Allah. You strive to do all you can to please him and fear to do anything to displease him. You can do so by gradually replacing activities that might arouse such feelings with those that do not and instead increase your awareness of Allah.
A few acts of worship you can keep busy by doing are reading the Qur’an, learning about Islam, and watching Islamic lectures. If you struggle with self-discipline, then you can do this with others, either with a sisters’ group at your local masjid or even online.
May Allah guide you and protect you from the traps of shaytan. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.
Salam,
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