Also, whenever they fight, is it wrong for me to console her even though I don't talk to her boyfriend and I don't tell her to get back with him? Should I continue to guide her to the right path or leave her as she doesn't want to do so?
In this counseling answer:
•Punctuate your time with your friend with stories of “bad endings” people had with boyfriends.
•Make duaa for her.
•Continue to be her support. Inshallah, your calm and guiding behavior will change her for the better.
•Be patient and do not talk bad about her boyfriend.
•Discuss marriage with her. What type of marriage does she imagine for herself? Does her boyfriend fit all the requirements?
Assalamu Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for your question. I am happy to see that you are concerned about your friend who is not doing the right thing in life. I am shocked to hear that she is pursuing a haram relationship at the age of 21.
Dear sister, you are in a situation right now which requires careful steering. Given how deeply indulged she in this relationship, it will be hard for her to leave right away.
However, personally, I think breaking relationship with her will be hard on both you and her, given how she leans on you for support when she goes through a tough time, and how you support her nonetheless of your feelings towards her actions.
You both love each other. In such circumstances, it may be possible that she will be willing to listen to you when you try to change her for the better.
Punctuate your time with her with stories of “bad endings” people had with boyfriends.
I personally know of a girl who was in a relationship with a boy for 2.5 years and considered marriage with him after being with him for 2.5 years. Unfortunately, they went on trips together, ate out together and even moved in together.
However, when she considered marrying him, she was shocked at his response. He did not want to make a “commitment”. What does that even mean?
That if someone much better comes along, this girl will no longer be a better choice, or if something tough happens on the girl’s side, he will leave her as he does not want a burden. Or if there is something he dislikes about her, he will leave her without a moment’s consideration.
Dear sister, let your friend know about this. Does she really like him? Or is she just playing and spending time with him? What will happen if he decides to leave? What will happen if he finds someone who can be “better than her”?
This story was narrated to me in a lecture for young people. This guy had been keeping girlfriends ever since he was 17, and then when he was 26, he saw a woman who he was deeply impressed by.
She was serious in religion, prayed on time, as he happened to follow her on campus one day, was very decent and never talked to men outside professional reasons. He had a girlfriend at the time and he was thinking about her. He abruptly went to his girlfriend, got mad at her for distracting him, and went to the mosque and sought forgiveness of Allah, cried even.
He was in love with a pure woman and did not think he deserved her. He did not even approach her once, but sincerely asked Allah to change him for the better. Simply after seeing this woman, he got reminded of Allah and his sins.
After two years, he ended up marrying her (the sincere Muslim), after changing for the better and spending two years as a disciplined and a focus Muslim, and trying to seek Allah’s guidance and forgiveness.
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In addition, this one girl had many issues finding the right person to marry because she did not want to give up on her boyfriend who left her for someone else. She was emotionally attached to him and no one seemed to be the right one for her, regardless of how good they were.
Talk to her about these stories.
Continue to be her support
Inshallah, your calm and guiding behavior will change her for the better.
Dear sister, when she is indulged in the wrong thing, it takes more patience, more knowledge of how to approach her and more reward.
Be patient with her. Spend time with her so that she knows you are looking out for her. DO NOT express anger at her boyfriend too early as she might distance herself from you given her attachment to him. However, be neutral.
Consider discussing marriage
Marriage is an important part in life. Ask your friend: What is it that she is looking for in the future? What does she want? Who does she want to marry? Does her boyfriend fit all the requirements? Will she be willing to marry a guy who has had many girlfriends in the past?
Consider discussing these with her. Gradually and eventually she may be seeing what she is doing is wrong and may be able to steer back on the right path.
Make duaa for her
Dear sister, nothing will have an impact on her mind and her actions if we do not make duaa that Allah change her heart. So keep her in your duaas, especially at the month of Ramadan!
May Allah give strength to your friend to stay firm on the path of Allah,
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