I have known two man for a while. One of them shared his feelings with me a year ago. I liked him too a lot (I will refer to him as A).
We keep contact through emails where we send each other our lives’ updates. We decided to get married next year.
Now, recently, I met another guy (referring to him as B) who has a better mindset than A. While A has some anger issues, B seems to be someone who is gentle. Although I don’t know B enough yet, my heart feels more attracted to him than A. However, B has never openly expressed his feelings for me.
I have a feeling he won’t do this because he is too shy. But he has given me every sign that he finds me admirable. He pays attention to every little thing I do. A month ago, I had a dream about B in the afternoon. I performed an istakhara because I felt really confused.
At the same night, I dreamt about him again, but I feel that was just my heart. It was the same how I had a dream about him at noon before the istakhara.
After that day until now I didn’t get any sign. I rarely get the chance to see B and have a greeting with him, but my heart tells me that he is the person I should go for.
What should do? Perform the istakhara again?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Get clear about what you want in your life partner.
• It is essential that you talk about what qualities you would like and expect to have in your future spouse.
• If you feel so strongly about B, the first step should be to ask B what he feels for you.
• Dua or supplication is a powerful tool in building a connection with Allah SWT.
• Repeat the Istikhara for as long as you feel satisfied with your decision.
Walaikum Assalam sister,
It seems as though you want to reach a decision quickly so that you can plan your life accordingly. However, I believe that you need to explore certain things in greater detail before you can finally make a decision.
Explore What You Want In Your Life Partner
Get clear about what you want in your life partner. Marriage is a commitment of a lifetime. Thus, unless you are sure about what qualities you want in your future spouse, it can get extremely difficult to stay in a relationship where your needs are not being met. Therefore, when deciding on a marriage proposal, you need to be of what plans you have for your life. Think of how would that person fit into the life you have planned for yourself.
For instance, you can make a list of things you like in A, and a list of things you like in B. Similarly, make a list of things you do not like in A and a list of things you do not like in B. If you don’t know B enough, it could also be that you are jumping to a conclusion, without fully knowing what his personality is actually like.
Communicate With Your Prospective Spouse
When thinking of which marriage proposal to choose, both of you meed to have a good understanding of each other. With understanding, I imply that each of you is aware of your roles and expectations in the marriage. I
In Eastern cultures, we assume that talking to a prospective spouse is wrong, or ’outgoing’, or religiously inappropriate. However, within the prescribed limits of Allah SWT, it is essential that you talk about what qualities you would like and expect to have in your future spouse.
Communication is an essential part of building trust, and understanding the goals and aims that you want to share with your life partner.
Don’t be afraid to explore and express your feelings
Sister, if you feel so strongly about B, the first step should be to ask B what he feels for you. Be direct and open about your feelings so that he is able to communicate whatever he has in his mind. It is always desirable to know if your feelings are reciprocated by the other person.
It is possible that he feels similarly, about you, or it may also be possible that he does not feel the same way about you. However, I would like to point out that your reasons for wanting a person as a life partner should be clear and focused. Do not depend on a mere hunch when choosing between two marriage proposals.
Marriage in Islam
In Islam, matrimony is the most sacred bond in the world. In Islam, marriage is considered as half of the religion. According to a Hadith, narrated by Anas ibn Malik, ’Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said,
“When a man marries he has fulfilled half of the deen; so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.” ’ (At-Tirmidhi Hadith 3096)
According to another Hadith,
“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” (Al-Bukhaari 4802)
While this Hadith is directed towards men, the same is also true for women – when selecting a spouse. It is important that you share religious beliefs and find a spouse who is God-fearing. A man who is God-fearing will take care of your rights and obligations towards you, and will feel answerable to Allah SWT if he is not fulfilling your rights as a wife.
Have Faith in Allah’s Plan For You
Many times, we get caught up in anxiety, fear and worry about things that will happen in the future. Allah SWT has a plan for each of us, and He is the Best of Planners. Sometimes things turn out in a direction we do not expect, but that is Allah SWT’s plan all along.
Believe In the Power of Dua
Dua, or supplication is a powerful tool in building a connection with Allah SWT. Dua not only helps you connect with Allah SWT; it also paves a way to bring to life your deepest wishes. Allah SWT is Al- Baseer (The Seer) and As-Sami (The Listener). He listens to the voices of those who call out to Him.
Check out this counseling video:
In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
“[…] And whoever fears Allah—He will make for him a way out / And will provide for him from where he does not expect […]” (Qur’an 65:2-3)
Ask Allah for Help and Guidance
Ask Allah SWT for help and guidance about your decision regarding the right choice of a life partner. Sometimes, you do not get a clear answer during or right after an Istikhara. Doing an Istikhara means that you are asking Allah SWT to guide you and open ways for you to whatever is better for you.
Sometimes, you do not get a concrete sign even after an istikhara. But whatever Allah SWT plans for you, unfolds with time. Also, repeat the Istikhara for as long as you feel satisfied with your decision.
May Allah SWT make it easy for you and lead you to the path and choice that is best for you.
Amen,
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