Recently, I’ve been having so many problems that I lost count. When I was young, I was normal, and I just wanted to become a doctor or whatever.
Then, I got exposed to masturbation by my friends at nursery school, and I began having problems making female friends.
I became addicted to lesbian porn when I was 13 and began to self-harm as a coping mechanism.
When my parents found that I self-harm, I was taken to the hospital where I was officially told that I have major depression.
However, my parents decide to ignore it. Although my dad is a nurse, he tells me to cut it out every time I get mood swings, and no one in the house talks about my mental problem or even tries to ask what’s causing them.
I began to deteriorate at school, and everyone was quick to notice because my ranking dropped from being the first.
I began to hate people and my classmates judge me all the time and say I’m lazy.
I’ve also developed an obsession that makes it harder to pray.
I can't pray around people so I need to hide and do it loudly so that I can hear myself. I wash my private parts before every prayer or else my prayer is invalid. I have darting problems and strange discharges. I hate when my period comes, and it makes me sad and uncomfortable because I hate dirty things.
If I even see dirt on my clothing, I feel like I will lose my mind. I feel like I’ve caused all this for myself because my parents neglected me a bit, and I feel so untalented and stupid.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• I am sorry that your parents have not been emotionally and physically present for you.
• Work on your self-esteem. Every night, before you go to sleep, make a list of three positive attributes that you have, your strengths, or any way in which you left a positive impact on the world.
• Expand your consciousness and understand the purpose of life.
• Identify your core emotions.
• Go to a professional counselor.
• Have a strong relationship with Allah.
Assalamu alaikum sister,
I’m sorry that you have been through so much at such a young age. You have only touched upon what you are going through very briefly, but I sense that there is a lot of pain and anguish that you must be going through every day!
I am sorry that your parents have not been emotionally and physically present for you.
You feel as though you caused all these problems for yourself because your parents neglected you, but in fact, it is definitely the other way around.
Everything that you are going through is because of the neglect you faced right from the beginning. Emotional neglect is among the worst forms of abuse that parents can do to harm a child.
Being exposed to sexuality at such a young age and then not being available while you got addicted to porn, all indicate a huge level of neglect that you have experienced.
You said your parents didn’t care about you self-harming or your grades falling, which shows that you’ve been an orphan (emotionally) all your life. None of it, however, was your fault!
Helping you process the problems you are currently going through will be impossible in this single post. However, I will try to help you identify and understand what you may be going through, and ways to work on yourself.
Identifying Your Emotions
Sister, identify your core emotions. Emotions form the base of how we perceive ourselves and drive our actions. I feel as though you are carrying a lot of guilt and shame about the sexuality you were exposed to as a child when you still did not understand right from wrong.
While it is true that sexuality, porn, and homosexuality are all forbidden in Islam and are considered as a major sin, it is also important for you to understand that what you went through was not your fault.
In fact, you were the victim! You fell prey to it when you were just a child, and there was no-one to guide you or protect you.
So, be easy on your self, and don’t berate yourself over something that you had no control over.
Understanding Self Harm Behavior and Obsession for Cleanliness
Sister, in order to change your behavior, it is vital that you understand where it’s stemming from. As you mentioned, you resorted to cutting yourself as a coping mechanism.
When the pain you experience in life gets so unbearable, that you feel a need to distract yourself from the mental and emotional pain, you might resort to self-harming behavior.
Unfortunately, many people around us think that self-harm is merely attention-seeking behavior. While this may be true for some cases, even then it stems from extreme emotional pain.
Secondly, your obsessive behavior of washing your private parts again and again, and the need to stay clean stems from your belief that you are dirty, unclean and/or you have guilt regarding your previous exposure to sexuality.
It is important for you to accept yourself as you are and be compassionate with yourself; the self you so constantly criticize and resent.
I understand that it is not easy to love yourself, let alone accept yourself after you have abandoned it for so long, but that is the essence where you begin your journey to healing.
Expand Your Consciousness
Sister, it is important that you expand your consciousness and understand the purpose of life. We have all been sent to this world as a test, where our purpose is to know and worship Allah SWT.
When we understand Allah and His creation, life begins to make itself clear, and we begin to realize our own part in this world. Allah SWT is the All-Seeing and All-Hearing.
Work on Your Self Esteem
Sister, when you are exposed to abuse and neglect, you start to internalize that you are not worthy of love.
Not only do you not love nor value yourself, but you also alienate yourself from other people who can give you love and appreciation. You isolate yourself from others because you feel ashamed of who you are.
Check out this counseling video:
Therefore, it is important that you work on your self-esteem. Every night, before you go to sleep, make a list of three positive attributes that you have, your strengths, or any way in which you left a positive impact on the world.
Make it a habit to have positive conversations with yourself and you will see that, with time, your relationship with yourself will improve.
Indulge in Positive Activities
Make a habit of doing something uplifting in your everyday routine. You can find a hobby that makes you feel good about yourself or helps you unwind and relax.
It could be journaling, painting, walking, jogging, or just listening to positive talks on online. Furthermore, develop a habit of reading, learning, and understanding the Quran.
In the Quran, Allah SWT says:
“…Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” [13:28]
Know That You Have the Power to Change
Whatever you are going through is a lot of pain, and in no way should you minimize the pain, hurt, and anguish you are in.
However, also keep in mind that you always have the power and choice to change your reality. It won’t come overnight, but after lots of hard work and fully accepting and processing your emotions.
I strongly recommend that you should go to a professional counselor, who can help you understand what you are experiencing and how to deal with it effectively.
Connect to Allah SWT
Connection with Allah SWT is the crux of a Muslim’s life. Knowing that there is a power Who is ever-present and merciful and guides you through tough times, is the most important thing that helps you keep going.
Try to be regular in your prayers. Repent, and ask Allah for help. I pray that may Allah makes all things easy for you.
Amen,
***
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