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On Parenting and Family Issues (Counseling Session)

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
12 June, 2017

Salam `Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters 

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Nasira Abdul-Aleem , for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

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Thursday, Jun. 15, 2017 | 19:00 - 21:00 GMT

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I have three children ages 9 through 13 years. My eldest is a daughter and then I have two sons. I am a medical doctor but not practicing nowadays. I am having a big problem communicating with my children. Basically I find them disobedient most of the time. I try not to shout at them but that only encourages them to continue whatever they are doing. If I stop talking to them because I am angry, they simply ignore me, knowing that at the end of the day I will talk to them. Sometimes they come and apologize to me as an afterthought, but that does not alter their behavior for the future. My children are also very hotheaded and fight frequently with each other; none is ready to forgive or forget. My daughter is also very rebellious and has no qualms about having a shouting match with me. I am trying to be as tolerant as possible but it is not easy when you see nothing but disobedience and rudeness throughout the day. My husband and I decided some time ago not to give any physical punishment to the children. I try to explain the importance of good behavior to the children in the light of Qur’an and Hadith, but so far it has been in vain. I have become extremely depressed due to this environment in my house and I pray continuously to Allah to help and guide both me and my children.I would be much obliged if you would guide me as to how to go about solving my problem.



Wa ‘alaikum Salaam,

 

Wow – you have your hands full.

 

One of the problems with our modern culture, including and our modern Islamic culture, is that everything is based on power and a hierarchy, so everyone gets into a power struggle with each other. We do it in the classroom, in marriages, on the jobs, etc. This paradigm is so much a part of our way of doing things that we don’t even question its validity or if it is Islamic. It is also the way things are done in your field, medicine– it is all about who “knows” the most and a hierarchy. But, a power-struggle way of interacting is very destructive to a productive, fruitful process of conversation and interaction.

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In marriage, Allah says, ”you are equal but the man is one degree above”, which means, don’t compete, find out what everyone needs, and then, if you can’t agree after you did that, the man gets the priviledge of having the last say after he gave everyone their voice! Suratul Asr also describes a process of mutual consultation in its last ayyah: “mutually consult in search of truth and patiently”.

 

When you meet with a patient, I can only assume that you have to find out from the patient what their problem is. The patient’s needs have to be heard and respected as an “equal” human being (in terms of their humanity – not in terms of their knowledge of medicine) and in terms of their knowledge of their own body and symptoms—the thing about which you have absolutely no knowledge until they tell you what they, as an individual are feeling and experiencing. The same thing is needed by your children.

 

Find out what is going on with them so you can address their needs! It is a great sign that they apologize after the fact – they want to do good – but, old habits die hard. So, help them by crafting your conversations with them to draw out of them what they need from you – not you telling them what to do. Then, meet them where they are at and go from there. Nothing is off bounds – if you want to “reach” them.

 

Another thing that doctors do that is great is “consult” with each other (as well as their patients). This is a very humble act that is not a power -struggle. That is what I suggest you do with your children too. Let them know that you will have the last say, if you cannot agree, but that you want a win/win situation, if possible, and that you want to hear what they have to say – they are experts at least in one field: what they feel and think. Find out from them what is going on with them.

 

When our children are young, we have to tell them what to do—to keep them alive. When older, we have to not tell them what to do—to give them their right to be their own person and stand on their own. But, we do have to do something else for them: “consult” with them. The Prophet called it being “their advising friend” (translated into English, obviously).

 

Then, there is the in-between time and process when we are kind of telling them what to do and kind of not – “transitioning” them. That is the hardest one to manage because, unlike math or science, it is not an exact science – it is metaphysical and “relative” to the individuals and the environment and and and so many factors that are not writ in stone!

 

The way around this problem is talk talk talk to find out what is going on inside the other person. What might look crazy to you may make perfect sense to the other person… and to you when you hear the explanation.

 

May Allah Make it easy for you.

Have a fourteen-year-old daughter who hasn't fasted this Ramadan so far. She did before a few days the years before. What can I do as a father to help her?



Wa ‘alaikum Salaam,

 

I feel your pain! How to deal with teenage children who “act out” is hard. It has to do with our teenagers “individuating”, i.e., coming into their own as adults – separate from their parents. Your daughter’s issue is Ramadan, specifically, but you may have more success if you focus your discussion with her on the philosophies and beliefs in religion that are at play in fasting, not about the specific behaviors.

 

Don’t “tell her what to do”. tell her why she should do something and then see if she agrees – if she does not, may be you did not explain it well – or maybe she is not there yet – or maybe she wants to do it when she is ready, not when you tell her to. Put the best construction on it. Don’t assume it means that she is not a good Believer.

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Here are a few ideas:

 

Ramadan teaches us that we need – that we are dependent creatures – not independent! So, the question becomes: dependent on Who and what? Allan and his risq (provision). When we eat and drink without any consciousness of Who and where it comes from, we forget that we need Allah – and need provision from Allah. When we forget that, we are taking Allah’s provision for granted – and that is “ungratefulness” –and that is a sin! But, don’t say that to her, let her figure that out!

 

Fasting reminds us of the above by forcing us to feel our dependence on Allah’s risq. Because dependence means, by definition, having another party in an equation –in the relationship – that forces us to “realize” that we are in a relationship with Allah, i.e., the One on whom we depend – but we need to remember that – and fasting forces us to realize that by making us feel our need for provision.

 

You can also explore with her the standard reason that people give for fastings: learning (by practicing) self-control – so that when we need to have it in our lives, we have some experience with it.

 

Another philosophical lesson embedded in fasting is training ourselves to endure suffering (again, by practicing it when it is not forced on us by dire circumstances we can gain some experience of it so that if and when we face it, we are more prepared). It also teaches us, by feeling – to “feel” compassion for those who are suffering – because we know what they are going through InShaAllah.

 

Talk to her about the philosophical reasons why we obey Allah. Now that she is no longer little, the most you can do is keep the doors of conversation open and make du’a to Allah asking him to guide her and help strengthen her, InShaAllah.

 

Now that she is older, all you can do is your best. That is what you will be “Judged” on by Allah –if you succeeded or not. Our Prophet (sawa) taught us that one of Allah’s Prophets gave the message of tawheed to his people and not one person followed him – his Reward from Allah was the same as if he had been “successful” in changing them.

 

So, please don’t forget these lessons: one, we are here to be tested and two, passing the test does not mean successfully changing the situation or even making a difference in it – it is all about your soul and your struggle for Allah and your personal relationship with Allah

A: Salam. My husband’s two teenager sons from his second marriage live in the Middle East while we live in Europe.They have entered the wrong path and they do not listen to anyone. As their father, he is unable to control them. What’s the solution? Do you have any advice for such case? Thank you for your answer in advance.



Wa ‘alaikum Salaam,

 

I will not be so arrogant as to pretend that I can tell you or anyone “the” “solution” to any problem(s) – if anyone (person) could do that, that person could make the world’s problems go away – which is impossible because only Allah can do that.

 

It is important to remember that Allah made the world, by definition, problem-ridden, to test us. What good is that? We “learn” from figuring out how to solve problems. We “discover” – get “light”/enlightened – from discovering what makes people tick and the truths about ourselves and others and about what is involved in that “process”. By this means, we earn the reward or punishment of Allah.

 

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That said, all you can do is your best. That is what you will be “Judged” for by Allah – not if you were successful or not. Our Prophet (saws) taught us that one of Allah’s Prophets gave the message of Tawheed to his people and not one person followed him, his mission was still accepted by Allah and his Reward from Allah will be the same as if they had accepted.

 

So, please don’t forget these things as you struggle: 1) we are here to be tested and 2), passing the test does not mean successfully changing the situation or even making a difference in it – the requirement of the test is that the person being tested ask of Allah and struggle and sacrifice for the Sake of Allah and the building of his/her personal relationship with Allah—the rest (the other person) is Allah’s Business.

 

That said, of course, because we love our children, we want the best for them, of this world and the Next. It is excruciatingly painful for us to see them in disobedience to Allah. We want them to be safe with Allah – and successful and happy in this world too. But, in the end, if they don’t serve Allah, the way we survive that is by knowing that their soul and body belong to Allah, not us – our job is to just make sure we do our job right, inShaAllah, so we can be safe with Allah – and the rest is in Allah’s Hand!

 

That said, this is my suggestion.

 

One of the words for “child” in Arabic means “someone who breaks things” (I am sorry, I did not remember the Arabic word/did not record it – I heard about it in one of Hamza Yusuf’s talks (he is a walking lexicon)). The way it helped me was that I was able to appreciate my child breaking things rather than to get upset over it. I hope this helps you too, insha Allah.

 

Secondly, talk, talk, talk, and talk some more – but what you say matters supremely. If you only correct your children (when they are older/teenagers – it is different when they are young – we have to correct them then), you will lose the battle because you are missing the point – and what is the point? InShaAllah, find out from your child what is going on with him/her so you can address that – instead of addressing what you think they should be hearing or thinking about – as painful as that may be for you to do – or even figure out how to do it. Ask your child:

 

What do you aim to realize by your behavior (maybe they think they are doing the right thing according to some stuff that is going on inside of them)?

Are you conscious of what it feels like to be the other person—the person on the receiving end of your behavior?

What would you feel if someone talked to you the way you talk – would it be okay?

What could I do to help you, not me?

Would do you need me to say that would encourage you to interact with me?

What does “Allah is ‘One’ ” mean?

Are we “one”, and if not, what does that mean to not be “one” – in other words, do we exist in interaction with others? If so, what does that mean in terms of how we interact?

What should our interaction look like – what should it do for us – for both the people in the interaction?

How can two people interacting give “equal” interaction to each other – to all the people in the interaction?

What do you get out of interaction – what do you want to get out of it?

Is he mad, and, if so, about what?

 

Try to solve the problem that your child articulates for you – if he can articulate it – it may be too complex for him to identify, so help him out with suggestions – you can start by asking where he got it from. Be open to anything –  nothing is off bounds! If you can’t stomach the truth because it is too painful, then talking will not help – it will only help if you can be non-judgmental and respect their process of where they are really at and what they want – people want to be good- but what looks like good to one person may look bad to another because that other person does not understand the circumstances of the situation.

 

Ask with the intention of finding out what is motivating him and then talk about that– challenge its legitimacy, if needed – not the behavior – behavior is always led to an idea – find out what the idea(s) are and address those. You can correct until you are blue in the face and it will make no difference if you are not answering to the need motivating the behavior(s).

 

A child will never hear when you are not “hearing” him. “Acting out” means showing you what they are thinking inside (things for which they have no words because of their lack of depth of consciousness) – “acting out” is like playing charades – when s/he does not have words to express their feelings– find out what those feelings are and addressing them, as best you can insha’ Allah. Your task is hard! I could not do it until I studied psychology, so be kind to yourself and ask Allah to help you! And ask Allah to Make it easy for you, insha’ Allah.

May Allah Make it easy for you!

 

Salam Aleikom. I am worried how I will teach my daughter to start praying. She is still just 1.5 years old. Mashallah, when she sees us making wudu, she brings the praying mat and my hijab and goes into sajda. I think she has started to understand what’s going on. Do you have any advice how to teach children to start prating?



Wa ‘alaikum Salaam,

 

This is the easiest and hardest question I have ever had. Your daughter is already praying; you work is done! But, obviously, only Allah knows how things will go in the future, as she grows up, so I will tell you what I know about how to teach prayer according to our Prophet (and my knowledge is limited so please ask the scholars on this website this question too!), what I know about the psychology of prayer, and the dynamics of education.

 

*I will start with education. The word education comes from the root Latin word educare, which means to draw out. Now, most people don’t know this. They think education means to put in. But, if you think about it, it does not. For us to learn anything, it has to make sense to us, i.e., resonate with something inside us that makes sense. Even something like math – which definitely the learning of new information, i.e., it is not something you can intuit with your “ruh”, i.e., it does not “pricks your soul” when it is “wrong” – that too we cannot learn unless it makes “sense” to us. So, this means that you have to work with the person who you are teaching according to their process.

 

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Also, just explaining the reasons for things is not. It is the beginning, but until you find out what your child’s “worldview” or experience of that particular “reason” is, you are not speaking to their reality. You need to address them in their way of seeing things, their experiences, and their way of learning. Some people learn from reading, some from talking, some from touching, some in isolation, some in interaction….etc. Education is, at its best, interactive, so that it respond to the questions of the learner.

 

Lectures don’t cut it! I have known people who are hafiz of Quran who are not religious. The learning process has to be interactive. It is arrogant to think that we know and can teach anybody anything. The only way a person learns anything for themselves is through it becoming relevant to their needs, and to find out what those needs are, you have to have a discussion with them and then try to help them find their own answer to their own process of growth.

 

A good example of how this works is learning to drive. We cannot learn to drive from reading a driver’s manual. We have to get behind the wheel of a car, with someone who knows how to drive beside us, and then, slowly – patiently – learn from doing ourselves, with their help at first, and then, later, on our own!

 

*Psychologically, a relationship with Allah involves, minimally, 3 things:

1) Love for Allah, which gives birth in us to our desire to please Him

2) Fear of Allah (of His Displeasure and Punishment (in this life and the Next))

3) Belief in the Mercy of Allah (this gives us access to a “discussion” with Allah, the mechanism for which is prayer and du’a, i.e., thiker of Allah is the word used in the Quran and there is no greater good than thiker of Allah – belief in the mercy of Allah is also the remedy for something in psychology called “toxic guilt” – toxic guilt can kill you both spiritually and physically. We have to have a balance between love and fear of Allah and the road to that is our belief in the Mercy of Allah – that He Forgives so we can get up from our weaknesses and mistakes and sins and brush the dirt off and renew our good relationship with Allah. Even the Prophets, on the Day of Judgment, are going to fear Allah due to their shortcomings. So, that means we are supposed to feel our mistakes keenly. But,

 

We have to have a balance between love and fear of Allah and the road to that is our belief in the mercy of Allah – that he forgives so we can get up from our weaknesses and mistakes and sins and brush the dirt off and renew our good relationship with Allah. Even the Prophets, on the day of judgment, are going to fear Allah due to their shortcomings. So, that means we are supposed to feel our mistakes keenly. But, because Allah’s first name, after “The One God”  is “Ar-Rahman” and “Ar-Raheem” – that is our salvation!

 

  • Hadith: the Prophet (saws) said to tell them to pray at age 7, and by age 10, if they do not pray, spank them. Now, those instructions do not exist in a vacuum of Islamic teaching. In other words, as in your daughter’s experience, the child should be surrounded by Muslims practicing Islam so that it becomes their “worldview”. That way, prayer is not foreign to them when they have to start praying. Also, the above-mentioned psychological ideas (and may more) should be a big part of the discussion about prayer. So many Muslims have a dogmatic attitude towards Islam, which is counterproductive. In other words, they are about rules, out of fear of Allah, without balancing that with the Love and Forgiveness of Allah. That is one of the biggest problems I see with Muslims. The Prophet (Peace on him) was not that way; he was extremely forgiving and gentle and not shaming of people!!!

 

I hope this helps and may Allah Make it easy for you and every increase the worship of Allah of your darling daughter!

 

 

 

I am back to my country now and will have a baby in few weeks time. The father of the child is a Tunisian Muslim. Now we don't have any communication anymore. My question is, what will be my stand to this? What name should I give my daughter, and deep inside I really wanted to fix the relationship of my daughter to his father. What should I do? Or what action should I take? I understand that the religion of my child will be Islam and I don't really have a problem with that because even I am a Christian, I have little knowledge about Islam Majority of my friends are Muslims and they have the most genuine hearts. Please send me some advice. Thank you and hope to hear from you soon.



Wa ‘alaikum Salaam,

 

Wow! Bless your heart for being willing to raise your child as a Muslim even though you are a Christian still.

 

I am sorry about your separation from your child’s father!  It is always sad when a family is broken up, but, sometimes it is, nonetheless, for the best. It sounds to me like the father of your unborn baby is not a very good Muslim; he got you pregnant outside of marriage and is not being an absentee father. I am so glad that your other Muslim friends have set a better example for you of the character of a Muslim then your baby’s father!

 

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So, let me start from the beginning, InShaAllah (Allah Willing): Yes! You should give your baby his/her father’s last name for 3 important reasons:

 

*Genealogy (to trace who is his/her brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc… so no one marries someone who is their sibling or close blood relative (it causes birth defects)

 

*Spirituality (marrying your direct blood relatives is forbidden in both Islam and Christianity)

 

*Emotionally (everyone needs to “belong” except Allah, Who is The Only One Who Is “One”, i.e., we need to interact with people for survival, both physical and emotional, and we need to interact with Allah to survive spiritually, the first place where Allah provides for us for this belonging is our parents, we also need safety and love, which is what that “belonging” is supposed to supply – along with physical survival) So, even though your baby’s father has abandoned his baby, he may change and the child, as they mature, may want to know his/her father—and they may help his/her father change.

 

As regards learning about Islam, read The Quran. So many people have become Muslim simply because of the beauty and insight of the Quran, they realize that it cannot be a manmade book! However, some people have been confused by the Quran and it did not have that effect on them. In which case, there are many good books out there about Islam. There is an excellent pamphlet put out by Saudi Arabia called “Islam, the Misunderstood Religion”. Also, “What Everyone Should Know about Islam and Muslims” is good too.

 

Don’t read stuff written by non-Muslims or by Muslims writing about Islamic Law – that could be misleading to a person who is new to the study of Islam – because Islam is not about its rules first – first and foremost, Islam is about “tawheed” one God, the creator (not a human being or status or money, etc.). This truth about Islam is supported by the fact that Tawheed was revealed first, not the laws of Islam.

 

The laws were revealed over a 23-year period in answer to problems faced by the Prophet (Peace on him) as he struggled against great odds to spread the message of Islam, i.e., Tawheed. So, that means, be understanding with yourself. Maybe you won’t understand Islam hook, line, and sinker (so to speak) at first, or all at once or you won’t be able to do it all at once, if you decide you be a Muslim. You too will need to learn and grow gradually.

 

This truth about Islam is supported by the fact that tawheed was revealed first, not the laws of Islam. The laws were revealed over a 23-year period in answer to problems faced by the Prophet (saws) as he struggled against great odds to spread the message of Islam, i.e., tawheed. So, that means, be understanding with yourself. Maybe you won’t understand Islam hook, line, and sinker (so to speak) at first, or all at once or you won’t be able to do it all at once if you decide you be a Muslim. You too will need to learn and grow gradually.

 

I know one woman who was driven away from Islam because, when she went to the mosque to learn, she was told that she could not wear fingernail polish (which is true because when you wash for prayer the water needs to touch your fingernails and it can’t if you have fingernail polish on). But, that make her not want to be Muslim because that did not make any sense to her, because it has little to do with why we are Muslim, we are not Muslim because we can’t wear fingernail polish (and, by the way, we can when we don’t have to wash for prayer!)!

 

That is why I don’t talk about rules like that until the person knows the “reason” for Islam in the first place. Even things that are very important in Islam, like salah (our form of prayer) and hijab (women covering their hair and chests with an over-garment) were not revealed early on (salah was revealed in the tenth year and hijab in the 20th year)

 

So, that means to that we are supposed to take it easy and talk about Allah first, and talk about what Allah talked about first: tawheed, belief in the creator as one and all the ins and outs of what that means, like tawakal (depending on Allah in hardship and ease),  Ihsan (awareness of Allah watching you even though you can’t see him), and taqwa (love and fear of Allah so that you want to do the right thing to earn Allah’s pleasure and reward, and to avoid sins, i.e., hurting people, stealing (the 10-commandments, basically), to avoid Allah’s displeasure and punishment), and Iman (belief in Allah, and all his messengers (including Jesus – as a person, not a “god”) and the world of the unseen (angels, the Next Life, )). You get my point?

 

I hope this helps and May Allah Make it easy for you and I hope you have a healthy, faithful baby, InShaAllah

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