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Dr. Hannah On Parenting & Child Development (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
20 September, 2017

Salam Alaikum dear Brothers and Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah Mories, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

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Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Tuesday, Sep. 19, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

My 6-year-old son is being bullied at school by a boy in his class. The boy is preventing my beautiful boy from playing with the other boys (there are 10 boys in his class and 19 girls). As a result, he is playing mostly with girls and as such losing out a little inasmuch as he’s desperate to play ‘tag’ and other games but this little runt won’t let him. He pinches him, pulls his hair and pushes him over. My son won’t retaliate – it’s not in his nature. He has a sound sense of what’s right and wrong and he doesn’t want to be told off by the teachers. It’s turning him moody and it’s making him feel “useless” and “not good enough”. We have spoken to the boy’s mother and she said she’d talk to him. We’re also talking to the teachers. Any advice? It is breaking my heart and my husband’s. I wish he would just punch him in the nose and put him in his place but it’s not in my son’s nature.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

This is a very painful scenario for any parent to be in watching their child be bullied at school. Your son sounds like a well-grounded young man that despite this bullying continues to go to school and get the best out of it that he can give the situation.

 

This is an excellent sign of resilience and good nature by responding to evil with that which is better as Allah tells us to. Unfortunately, this also means that he is being prevented from doing the things that he really wants to do. Furthermore, it also means that he is enduring behavior that is unacceptable and this is having a negative impact on his psychological wellbeing.

 

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Perhaps he is doing the right thing in not responding to the bully as like he says, it prevents him from getting into trouble also, but at the same time, the bully needs to know that his behavior is not acceptable. If your son, as well as his parents and the teachers, allow this behavior to continue then he will never know that what he is doing is not ok and will continue to bully your son, and perhaps others too.

 

In this case, your son will need to learn to stand up for himself to some extent, even if it is just to speak up for himself without being physically aggressive back. However, it is understandable why he would be reluctant to do this if he does not feel like he has the support of the teachers. Before encouraging him to stand up for himself, it is important that the teachers are on board and understand exactly what’s going on and how its impacting on your son’s life.

 

It is suggested that further than just informing the teachers of what is going on, you ensure that they have some kind of plan of action to tackle the bullying. This way, your son can feel comfortable that something is being done about it, that they are aware of what is going on and he can go and do all the things he really wants to without worrying about the bully in the comfort that he knows the teachers are keeping a close eye on the situation and will deal with the bullies behavior accordingly.

 

Further to tackling the problem within the school, you might also consider approaching his parents again to let them know that things haven’t changed. Perhaps you could even go as far as inviting them for tea at your place with their son and your son present also so that you can talk altogether. Perhaps, this is even something that could occur during school time with the teacher’s involvement also.

 

This way, the bully can see that you are all united against his behavior and he might feel more pressure, therefore, to quit his bad behavior for fear of consequences both at home and at school. Your son will also feel comforted knowing that everyone has his support during this difficult time for him. Involving both the boys directly in this process is more likely to have an impact on them both, rather than being something that is discussed without them present.

 

May Allah make it easy for you to overcome the difficulties with your son. May He reward his patience and bring him comfort and success in this life and the next.

 

My 4-year-old granddaughter recently started hitting me and verbally abusing me about 6 months ago. Her parents are divorced and her mother has custody. My son has supervised visitation on the weekend nights. My granddaughter has been spending those nights with us since she was 4 months old until about 6 months ago when she began to refuse to spend the night. Then she began not to want to visit with us at all. All of her anger seems to be directed toward me. She hits me and kicks me and tells me to shut up. She says she hates me and doesn't love me and never wants to see me again. Much of the verbal abuse takes place when I pick her up and when I take her home. When we are alone in other words. Do you have any suggestions how we can get to the root of the problem? Also, how can we return things to the way they used to be?



As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

In this case, there are a number of different things that need to be considered here. It is difficult when you want to do the very best you can for a loved one yet they show no love back and are in fact abusive back. In this case, it is your granddaughter and as a child, she may have a more limited capacity to understand the implications of what she is doing, yet at the same time, it is very painful for you.

 

Firstly, she does need to understand that even at this young age abuse of any kind is not ok, both physical and verbal. If you continue to allow her to do this without reprimanding her for such behavior she will continue to think what she is doing is acceptable and will continue her behavior towards you, as well as potentially extended this behavior towards others also. Get down to her level and explain to her that her behavior is not ok and it may be that she requires some time out for a few minutes at this point, or withdrawing a favorite toy for a short time to let her know this.

 

Continue to let he know that you love her despite what she says and that giving her time out or taking toys away is not because you don’t live her, but because her behavior was not good. Continue to be gentle with her during this time, being a good role model for managing your own frustrations that she may learn from you how to manage her feelings also. What you can also do is given that this abuse always seems to happen at set times is to set the boundaries before the event occurs.

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So, before you leave home to make sure to remind her that hitting and saying bad words is not ok and instead keep her distracted with fun things, perhaps games like i-spy, to keep her mind free from the desire to hit out or say bad words. If it is that she begins with bad words, then you can begin with ignoring these words and not giving her the attention that she might be looking for. Responding in a neutral way will let her know that you are not affected by her words and in sha Allah she will cease as she doesn’t get the desired response and she will also learn how to deal with such herself. If things take the next step up with her, then you can do as was discussed before regarding giving her time out..etc..

 

What you also need to understand is that even though it is her parents that are divorced she will be suffering with the consequences as much as they are. The difference is, as a 4 year old child she does not yet have the skills to be able to manage her emotions in the same way that adults do. As her grandparent, she knows that you love her unconditionally and therefore you become the easy target for her aggression, which may well be a projection of the anger and frustration she is feeling towards the situation of her parent’s divorce. Whilst her abuse towards you is unacceptable, understanding her own perspective on the situation might help you to talk to her and approach her and the scenario from an angle that keeps this in mind.

 

If your relationship is ok with the mother you might also consider bringing it up with her also so that she might talk to her daughter and also tell her that her abusive behavior towards you is not ok. It may be that she is more responsive to her mother and may also feel more inclined to quit such behavior if she knows that her mother is also disappointed with her behavior too and that you have her support. Let her see that you and her mother are united. Again, seeing friendly relations between the 2 sides of the family might ease the burden of divorce for her also.

 

In sha Allah in time as she gets used to the arrangement and develops more helpful coping mechanisms, things will go back to the way they were and you develop a much better relationship, free from the abuse.

 

May Allah ease the difficulties faced by all family members during this difficult time of divorce. May He give you the strength to overcome the difficulties and transition smoothly to the new family structure that you will be all happy and comfortable with.

My son will be 3 in December; we started him in a 3 day a week preschool program. It has been a really rough transition. Four months in he still cries at separation in the morning (he's the only one), as well as off and on during the day sometimes. It was getting better but now it feels like we're back at square one after the holiday break. The school has been great in working with us and the teachers are so sweet with him, but I am just not sure if we should pull him out or keep pushing and eventually he will get used to it and actually enjoy going. I do not think it's the school itself, he has always been a sensitive, more introverted child. We believe it's important for him to be around other kids on a regular basis. Is there anything that made it better, or do we just need to give it time?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulhi wa barakatuh,

 

This is a tough situation that many parents also face. Many children do take time to settle into preschool or school. Some will settle immediately, and others can take a much longer time like your son. It is very painful for us as parent to see them crying when we separate from them, leaving us torn between keeping at it and hoping that eventually they will settle and they will get that social interaction that we feel they need, or just withdrawing them altogether.

 

The fact that you say he seemed to be getting better by the holiday break, lends to the conclusion that there is hope that he will eventually overcome the increased difficulty he has faced since going back again after the break, so you can feel comforted by that to begin with, but at the same time, as you are aware of from before the holidays, it will take time and patience to work up to this level of comfort again. Alhamdulilah, you say the school has been great with him so that will make things easier for both you and him and in sha Allah things will continue to get better.

 

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Of course, there is always the option to pull him from school altogether and as his mum, you know best what is good for your child. It may be that you give him a certain time period and if you see no improvements at all in this time that you can take it that he is not ready and perhaps remove him and try again in some time. If you choose to take this option you might try going with him regularly to mother and toddler groups so that he can play with other kids his age and you can relax with other parents. In this kind of informal environment that he may feel more comfortable to test his social skills with us, in the comfort of your presence. It may be that he just requires some months in this kind of more relaxed environment with you close to hone his social skills and make him better prepared to start playschool

 

On the other hand, if you chose to continue trying him at playschool in the hope that things will eventually ease up for him and he will eventually come to enjoy There are a couple of tactics you might think about trying to help make the process easier. Now, all children are different and some of these things will work well for some children and some will not work at all, so you might have to be prepared for a bit of trial and error to begin with until you find what works best for you and your son.

 

For some children, it helps that the parent stays close by for an extended period of time to begin with. So, for example, it may be that for a few days you go in together and you stay with him the whole time so that he gets the chance to feel comfortable in the school environment whilst having the comfort of his mum close by so he has little need to be anxious.

 

In time, you might then reduce the time to spending say an hour or 30 minutes with him before leaving as he gets familiar with his surrounds and the children in it. In some cases this will work to ease a child’s anxiety quickly and gradually reduce the anxiety altogether, whilst in others this can make the situation more difficult and the separation even worse as they get used to having you in their school environment too and have a heightened dependency on you even outside of the home. This is something that you will be able to gauge yourself over a few days if you choose to try this as an option.

 

Another option is a completely different tactic. Rather than make a big deal of dropping off and saying goodbye, make it a quick process, drop him in and let the teachers take over immediately as you walk away. This might seem like quite a cold-hearted approach, but at the same time, especially with sensitive children it gives him less chance to pick up on your anxieties and therefore may be less likely to respond in an anxious way. Again, this is a technique you could try for perhaps a week or 2 to test the waters. If you see improvements, then you can continue like this, or if not try the previous technique.

 

Ultimately, don’t let him see your anxieties, this will only make it more difficult for him to part form you as he sees you are feeling as anxious as him. Instead, enter with confidence and in sha Allah he will copy you and also enter with the same confidence that he sees in his mum.

 

Furthermore, something else that is useful to do whichever option you take is to pack a toy that he loves form home too, something that he knows he can turn to as a source of comfort. If might just be that you pack it in his bag for him to take out if he wants. He may not even choose to use it at all by is an option that some parents find useful for their anxious children.

 

Likewise, if he has any siblings, it might be that if time allows they come in with you both and give him the opportunity to take the responsibility of being a big boy and showing his siblings around his school. Finally, if you notice that his anxieties are related to the number of other kids around then you might try taking him a few minutes early so that he enters at the point when less children are present.

 

In sha Allah, something will work for him if you choose to continue to keep at it.

May Allah make it easy for you and ease the anxieties of your son.

My question is not exactly about parenting but it’s about dealing with my siblings and cousins. I am from a joint family and I am eldest among my siblings and cousins and I am trying to practice deen. But my siblings and cousins (most of them are teenagers) spend most of their time in watching TV. I know it is my responsibility to call them into deen but I cannot fix how to do it. I feel so guilty and sad about it. Please suggest me some process through which I can make them come into the path of deen and they will watch less TV.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It certainly is a difficult task trying to help people see the beauty in the Deen and to help them away from modern day distractions, such as the TV. As the older sibling/cousin you feel like you are the one who should be responsible for helping them, but your efforts thus far have been fruitless and this is becoming difficult for you.

 

Most importantly, your intention is a pure one and Allah knows your intention, even if it feels like you are being unsuccessful so far and you will be rewarded for your good intentions. So, firstly, don’t lose hope that Allah will not see the effort you are putting into trying to guide them aright. Remembering this will help to keep your motivated to keep trying with them, without losing hope as your efforts are not in vain, as at the very least, Allah is watching even if they are not responding yet.

 

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There are a few things you can try to help them  to practice their Deen more and stay away from the TV and other distractions.

 

Firstly, never give up on du’a. Ultimately Allah is the only one who can guide them on the straight path, so continue to make du’a to Allah and ask Him to guide you and use you as a tool to assist them.

 

Continue to be a good influence in front of them. As the older sibling/cousin they look up to you and ae more likely to imitate you. So, make sure to openly continue your duties to Allah, pray, make du’a, read Qur’an..etc.. in front of them that they might have a desire to emulate your behavior at some point.

 

When it’s time to pray, gently invite them to pray with you. However, understand that as teenagers, it is quite likely that they might be resistant to some extent and it may not be an easy job. Be easy on them at first as often being too pushy can only make people run away and more resistant to engage as it is seen as more of a chore. S, begin by simply asking them at this point.

 

Given their age, eventually, at some point, you may have to be a bit more forward about it as at their age they will be accountable for whether they choose to pray or not. Perhaps give it a certain amount of time with gentle persuasion, before you approach them with more of a firm tone, not by forcing them into it as such, but educating them on the importance of prayer and worshipping Allah.

 

Another thing you might try is to encourage them to engage in any activities that might be happening in the local mosque. This way they will be out of the house and away from the TV mixing with other Muslims who might also assist you in guiding them to be more practicing of the Deen. When in larger numbers like this, they might feel more inclined to join in acts of worship such as prayer.

 

If they are resistant to engaging in activities at the mosque like this then perhaps begin by inviting them to do something together as a family outside of the home. Pick something that you know they enjoy that will make the task of getting them out of the house an easier one. Perhaps if it is something that might involve other extended members of the family they might also be more inclined to join in.

 

Whist this might not do anything directly to encourage them to practice their Deen, it will take them away from the TV which might then make them more open to hearing more about the importance of practicing. Bonding in a fun activity as a family like this will make the task of talking to them about it a lot easy and a lot more relaxed and a lot less like you are trying to pull them away from what they love, i.e the TV to do something that they don’t seem to be so interested in at present.

 

Doing so in this relaxed environment, they are more likely to be receptive to your message as well as observing for themselves that there is more to life than sitting in front of the TV.

 

May Allah reward your intentions and help you to be a positive influence on your siblings and cousins. May they see the light of Islam and start practicing their Deen more frequently.

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