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How to Be a Good Parent? -Counseling Session

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

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Tuesday, Feb. 20, 2018 | 08:00 - 09:03 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu Alaikum, I come from a very religious and cultural family. But the way my parents practice Islam is very cultural and controlling. They rarely let me see my friends and do not think girls should have careers. For the longest time, my mother has always been angry, demanding, and controlling. She's never pleased with me and is always finding ways to insult me or pick a fight with me. She calls me a disappointment and says that I can never compare with her. Her only pride in me is that I memorized Quran and she tells everyone that because she feels like it was only attainable because of her, and for attention. She always cares about what others think and not about my happiness.It doesn't help that she doesn't agree with what I am majoring in in college, and she claims that I'm ruining relations with my other family members because of it. I feel unloved by her. I have tried to talk to her gently and tell her how I feel; but she refuses to listen and blames everything on me. She's always screaming, yelling, and overall being negative, yet she expects me to respect her. Admittedly, I talk back to her because I feel like if I don't, I will let her get to me. Also, because she tries to force Islam on me, I feel very suffocated and have committed some sins that I am not proud of. Please help me. I am so tired of her that I cannot even tolerate her presence.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session with your most important concerns.  As I understand, your family is very cultural and the way they practice Islam is in a controlling and cultural way.  This includes them feeling that girls should not have careers and not being able to see friends.  Additionally you stated that your mom your mom is angry, controlling and demanding; calls you a disappointment, is never pleased with you;  states you can never compare to her; she screams and yells at you as well as refuses to listen to you when you try to speak gently to her about your concerns.

Sister it sounds as though you really do love your family and wish to have good relations.  Additionally and very important, you wish to be accepted by your family.  Wanting to be accepted by those we love is natural.  A child usually seeks their parents approval and desires to make them happy and proud of them.  As you stated, your parents practice Islam which is heavily embedded with cultural norms.

 

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Knowing this, it may come as no surprise that this is something that is often difficult to change in a family as traditions and cultural values have been passed down from generation to generation.  Concerning your education and choice of a major sister, I would kindly suggest that you get together Islamic  proofs of the importance of education in Islam.  For instance, Khadijah the Prophet’s (PBUH) first wife-was a business women, and a very successful one at that!

 

Surely it took a lot of wisdom and knowledge to run a business.  His youngest wife, Aisha was very knowledgeable and a scholar and promoted the education of women in law and teachings of Islam.   There are many, many other examples of great Muslima’s throughout history who were educated and used their knowledge to advance many fields of study for humankind.  Sister, whatever field you are studying in, just search on the internet for Islamic examples of Muslima’s in this career.  I am sure you will find many.  You may wish to discuss these proofs and examples in a respectful way when challenged about your career choice.   This insha’Allah may negate the cultural expectations and refocus the structures on Islamic ways and values.

Everyone needs friends in life.  Our Muslim sisters are are great source of strength, knowledge, fun and we look forward to building lifelong relationships with each other as we are growing up.  Perhaps you may wish to try to reach a compromise with your parents concerning going out sister.  I would kindly suggest that you ask to have your friends come over.  Do things at the home first.

 

This way it may build ease and trust within your parents.  When they appear to be comfortable with your friends, ask if you can go over to (name friend) home one night a week or meet them out for dinner.  Insha’Allah by this time they will be used to your friends and will comply to your wishes.  You do need a social life.  However if they are still reluctant, there will not be much that can be done as you are living in their home and must follow their rules.  Insha’Allah they will come to understand that your social time is not only halal, but a much needed component in your life.

 

Sister, your mom does love you-very much.  She is just trying to keep you close the only way she knows how-which was probably taught to her by her mom.  Her mom maybe treated her, as she treats you.  She does not hate you, she just wants you to be the best you can be only she is going about it in a harsh way.  However, maybe this is the only way she knows how to relate.  I know it hurts, the way she is treating you.

 

I know it hurts when she says you can never compare to her.  The truth is sister, is that when people say that, they usually have either low self esteem, have experienced disappointments in fulfilling their own dreams /goals or they just cannot accept that others are acclimating above and beyond them.  I am willing to say, that maybe your mom had lots of dreams and goals as a young girl-just like you do.

 

I am also willing to say that possibly her mom squashed her dreams as she is trying to do to you-and succeeded.   Thus, this may be the only way your mom knows and with it comes bitterness, resentment and anger.  Not at you sister-but at her own lost dreams and goals because of the way she was raised and the limitations put one her.  When she is in your presence, please do try to take this into account and perhaps it will not be as irritating for you.

 

I kindly suggest dear sister that you continue o show honor and respect to your mom.  Insha’Allah understand the dynamics from which she is coming from.  Understand her harshness and anger is not about you-but is probably about her own disappointments in life.  With this knowledge and empathy, it may insha’Allah make it easier for you to deal with, knowing you are not the cause of her anger and control issues and knowing that yes, she does love you.  I encourage you to continue to seek good halal friends and halal social times.

 

I encourage you insha’Allah to continue to follow your career goals and dreams.  Go to the Masjid often for prayer as well as classes and social events.  Engage in charity work.  Keep yourself focused on the good things that you can do right now.   It may be difficult for a while as your at home now, but insha’Allah it will pay off later in the form of lifelong Muslim sisters as friends; a career which you enjoy as well as eventual improved relations with family once they see you are dedicated, pious and successful in this life.

 

As you stated “I feel very suffocated and have committed some sins that I am not proud of”. I encourage you to repent to Allah for any sins you have committed as well as renew your relationship with Allah through prayer, duaa, Islamic study, dhkir, reading/reciting Qur’an and promising yourself that you won’t let the pressures of life ever pull you away from Allah ta ala again.  Allah is our rope sister, we don’t ever want to lose that connection.  I believe you are string sister and I believe that insha’Allah you can get through this very short time you have at your parents home.  In only a few years, you will be living in your own home possibly married or maybe not-depending on what you chose.  Try to make this time at your parents home one of determination to not only focus on your goals, but refine and draw tighter your relationship with your Creator.

 

Your parents do love you sister, never doubt that.  They just have different expectations as they are coming from a more culturally traditional space and you are of the younger generation, perhaps wanting a different life for yourself and that is okay, as long as it is in alignment with Allah’s commands for us.  As you stated you feel suffocated, I am not sure if you are feeling depressed but if you are, please do seek out professional counseling.  You are in our prayers sister, we wish you the best.


My mother and I fight a lot nowadays, and it always ends with her saying that I will get nowhere in my life because of my attitude. I try to control my anger and behaviour as much as possible, but sometimes she says things to which I respond. And when I do she starts saying about how I am talking back and raising my voice against her. Recently, when she did this I stopped talking and continued with studying for my exams. She got really pissed and she tried to snatch the highlighter from my hands. After which she said a bunch of hurtful words. I love my mother, I know she isn't bad. So is the fault in me? AM I the reason that we fight so much? What should I do? It hurts a lot, her words. I feel like given up sometimes.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. I’m sorry to hear about the problems you are going through with your mom.  As you did not state your age but did talk about the incident while you were studying for your exam, I can guess maybe you are in your teens or early 20’s (college?), please forgive me if I am wrong. At any rate, I have no doubt that you and your mom love each other very much.  I am sure she desires to resolve this as much as you as it probably is hurting her as well.

 

Sister, it sounds like typical teen/young adult-parent communication problems. Often times communication takes a turn for the worst between teens/young adults and parents during these years as independence and self growth are key components during this developmental phase. As you are a young adult now sister you are forming your own idea’s, opinions as well as seeking your independence as an individual. With that may come conflict with your mom as she may see your energy, passion and often times impatience at getting a point across as disrespectful. You on the other hand, may think your mom is not understanding what you are trying ti say thus leading to frustration.

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I would kindly suggest that you sit with your mom over tea or coffee and talk to her about how you feel.  Explain to her that you love her very much and do not wish to hurt her nor be disrespectful.  Ask her how she feels you can improve upon your communication skills when speaking with her.

 

While your mom may need to upgrade skills as well as you are no longer a child but a young adult, it will benefit you if you take the initiative towards asking her how you can improve.  This will show her you do care, you do love her and mean no harm and that you do wish to strengthen your relationship by stopping the arguing and communication issues.  Perhaps as she reflects on how she would like you to communicate your needs and points she will insha’Allah reflect on how her method of communication may or may not be feeding into the problem as well.   Some points or good communication include don’t go on the defensive when communicating, try to understand your mom’s point of view-where she is coming from; address her concerns honestly and directly; don’t ridicule or criticize her viewpoints and make requests, not demands.

 

Please see Web MD (1) for further excellent tips on communication for teens and parents insha’Allah.    In addition sister, body language says a lot.  When talking with your mom try not to cross your arms over your chest/waist as this is often taken as a closure and defensive as in someone not wanting to hear what is being said or someone not open to dialogue.

 

Try to look at your mom when she is talking rather than looking away.  This conveys interest in what is being said as well as attention.  When responding, rather than blurting out the first thing that comes to your mind or speaking off of your emotional reactions, take a moment to think about what was said and formulate an intelligent and calm response.  If something is not clear to you, please do ask for clarification rather than assuming.  When someone is speaking to you try to be fully in the present.  Don’t let your mind wander into what your response will be but rather listen to what is being said.

 

Finally,  if anger is a problem for you (as you stated you get angry) please do insha’Allah find the triggers (words, gestures, behaviors) which cause you to become angry during a conversation.  Write them down if needed.  Reflect upon them and ask yourself, is it really worth getting angry over?

 

Also, insha’Allah look towards alternative reactions to anger such as deep breathing techniques, counting to 10 before reacting (basic I know, but it does work), asking for a minute to collect your thoughts as well as centering your mind on a peaceful thought or imagine until you calm down.  While these techniques can interrupt the flow of a conversation if you tell your mom ahead of time that you are working on your anger issues and explain to her how she may be understanding and give you a few moments to do so.

 

Sister, I am confident insha’llah that with persistence, awareness and patience you will be successful in your communication skills with your mom.  In turn, your mom insha’Allah will see your efforts and applaud your maturity and determination in self-growth.  Again as I do not know your age, I cannot say if you may be experiencing the emotional ups and downs because of hormonal changes of puberty but if so, please do be aware of this factor.

 

Lastly and most importantly, make duaa to Allah swt to help you and your mom over-come these unhealthy communication styles.  It is very evident that you love your mom very much and seek to always honor and respect her.  May Allah bless you sister and reward you for your efforts.  We wish you the best.

 

1-https://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/better-communication-with-teens#1

 


As-salamu alaikum, I just want to ask something and confess something. I have a bad relationship with my mum, everyone around me told me she is toxic and I'm better off without her, I tried to please her as much as I can, I tried my best to the fullest but she won't be pleased. For example, I passed my exam when I was in high school, she wasn't pleased and didn't say anything, but my dad on the other hand he congratulated me. My sister agreed with me that our mother isn't sincere with having us as her children because everytime she feeds us and gives us clothes and etc, few days after that she would say something like "why do you always steal and waste my money" but we didn't. Me and my sister are afraid to go against her or even talk normally to her. If we talk softly about our opinions she would just shout at us even tho our statement was logical. My sister is 25 now and she is still controlled by my mum. She demanded three bank accounts from my sister to be given to our mum. I don't know what is right and what is wrong, we don't know what to do and we're scared of her. Even our dad wont speak up to our mum.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. I am so sorry to hear what you and your sister (and your dad) have been going through with your mom. I can imagine it is not easy situation to live with. You sound like a wonderful daughter mash’Allah, may Allah swt reward you for your patience as well as the respect and honor that you continue to show your mom despite her harsh and confusing behaviors.

 

I would kindly suggest dear sister, that you and your sister take your dad out for lunch, coffee or other quite, relaxing environment in which you can talk freely. Express to him your feelings and concerns regarding your mom, and ask him if there is anything he knows about her that can help both you and your sister deal with your mom or understand the situation better.

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Please do insha’Allah asuure your dad that everything will be held in confidence. Perhaps your dad has been struggling with certain issues with your mom for a long time, not quite sure how to deal with her (you stated even he will not speak up to her). Now that you and your sister are older, insha’Allah your dad can shed some light or insha’Allah as a family perhaps you all can think of a way or a plan of action to help your mom over-come whatever it is that is causing her to feel and act in this way.

 

While I cannot offer a professional opinion, I can suggest that perhaps she is suffering from depression or anger issue-perhaps from past trauma in her life or other mental health disorder.  I do not know thus I do recommend family therapy insha’Allah if she is willing.  This is something you may want to discuss with you dad insha’Allah.

Sister, please know that your mom loves you dearly.  For some reason she is unable to show you and your sister this love.  It is not your fault nor your sister’s, but lies within some unresolved issue(s) with your mom or a mental health disorder.  Please do continue to utilize patience and honor her despite her saying and doing hurtful things.  If she says something strange (like you stole from her) let it pass and recognize it as a possible illness.  Try not to take things she says or does personally as it is not your fault.

 

Try to keep the peace by not challenging her as it will not be productive.  If she does want things that do not belong to her such as your sister’s 3 bank accounts, you do not have to comply as these are not hers.  As long as your mom is not in need or poverty, you are not obligated to hand over all your assets.  You may want to give a portion, but in your sister’s case, she may need her money for her household.  Again, use good judgment in caving in to her demands -you do have rights as well.

Sister, often times parents need help with their own issues before they can be the loving parents that they wish to be. Alhumdulilah your dad has tried to provide a stable home environment despite your mom’s issues and he has encouraged you and congratulated you on your life accomplishments.  Insha’Allah he will be willing to help you and your sister resolve your mom’s problems as they are affecting the whole family.

 

Families were not meant to live in fear of one another, but to live in peace and harmony.  While no one is perfect sister and we all suffer from problems and issues from time to time-whether it is physical health, spiritual or mental,  it is important that one addresses these issues in order to restore health and balance.  If one is unable to do it for themselves, insha’Allah a loving family member may be able to to be successful in getting that person help.

Please do talk with your dad, try to remain respectful to your mom, recognize your mom does love you and that she may be suffering from a mental health issue.  Insha’Allah suggest to your dad counseling.  In the meantime, make duaa to Allah to grant ease, to heal your mom as well as give you insight on how to handle situations in which she is unreasonable or hurtful.  You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are.


As-salamoalikom. From 3rd grade my parents have forced me to a go to a hifz school, which physically and mentally abused me. After a year my parents asked me if I wanted to stay, but they pressured me in a way so that if I said "No", I'd be wrong or a disgrace. Anyways the Hifz schools' academic system wasn't great. I wasn't properly learning. My father kept pressuring and occasionally physically and verbally abusing me to memorize faster when I didn't even want to in the first place. The hifz program wasn't working well so my parents decided to send me somewhere to memorize the Quran(During this time I missed out on 6 months of school). After I came back I went to an Islamic School, and in the first term, I had a couple b-'s. So the day on new years, during the winter break, I told my father it wasn't easy for me to get A's. And without reasoning or letting myself explain, he threw whatever he could at me and cursed and started chasing me. When he caught me, he bashed my head against the wall, punched me everywhere and said that "I'm lazy" and that "I have no excuse to get bad grades" etc. Anyways it hurts me, makes me depressed and suicidal, and this is only one example of the numerous times it has happened. And I'm scared to say something because if I'm found out, things will be much worse for me.



As salamu alaykum,

 

I am so sorry to hear of what you have been going through.  Memorization does not come easy for a lot of people and I admire you for trying to stay with it.  It took a lot of courage and while perhaps you were not given a choice, you did try to comply.  However, no child should be abused EVER.  It surprises me when “religious” parents abuse their children because if they truly were following Islam, they would not be abusive.

 

It is haram and a sin.  According to a hadith, ‘Abdullah bin ‘Amr bin Al-‘As (May Allah be pleased with them) reported: The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “A (true) Muslim is one from whose tongue and hand the Muslims are safe; and a Muhajir (Emigrant) is he who leaves the deeds which Allah has prohibited.” (1), and “’Amr ibn Shu’ayb reported from his grandfather that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Anyone who does not show mercy to our children nor acknowledge the right of our old people is not one of us.”  (2).  The abuse you have been going through is not mercy.

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As I do not know your age or location, I will kindly advise you to speak with one of your trusted relatives concerning the abuse you are going through.  If there is no one whom you trust, or if you feel it is risky for you, please do seek out someone you trust at your Masjid or Islamic Center.

 

If there is no one there, please do look online for a counseling center near you or ask your family physician in private.  But please, do tell someone.  I understand you are afraid and rightly so, but this must stop and you must be in a safe place.  You do not deserve to be abused.  It is not your fault.  It is your parents’ fault and they will be held accountable to Allah for these horrid sins they are committing against you-their child.

 

Once you have sought help and told someone, insha’Allah your family can begin counseling in order to learn how to stop abusive behaviors as well as how to heal as a family.  Your parents would benefit from this because if they continue to abuse you and do not stop and repent to Allah, they must face the consequences when they stand before Allah on judgment day.  However, this is not your burden right now, you must focus on yourself insha’Allah and get to a safer space.

 

Please do tell someone about the abuse as soon as possible so there may be an intervention.  Please do not tell your parents, especially your father for it may make him (them) more volatile and angry thus putting you at further risk.  Also, seek out counseling insha’Allah to assist with depression as well as to deal with your suicidal ideation.   Insha’Allah write a contract.  In this contract state you will not harm yourself nor attempt suicide.  Chose someone you are close to and write in that person’s name as a contact that you will promise to get in touch with if you are feeling suicidal.  Please do call the suicide hotline as well (3) at 1-800-273-8255.  If this is not for your country, please do look up the phone number.

 

Allah loves you very much, and Allah see’s everything.  Please do make duaa to Allah and ask for protection, as well as a resolve to this abuse.  Ask Allah swt to give you the strength and courage to tell someone and please do tell someone before more damage is done.  I know your scared to tell but don’t be scared please….not only is Allah on your “side” but so are many, many people.  You just need to reach out.  Again-you did nothing wrong.  You do not deserve to be abused.  Abusing children (anyone) is a sin.  You are a wonderful person with a blessed future, please do tell someone so you can get help and begin to heal and live a happy life free from abuse.

 

You are in our prayers, please do let us know how you are.

 

1-https://sunnah.com/riyadussaliheen/18

2-https://sunnah.com/adab/19/2

3-https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/


As-salaam Alaikum, the details of my question is as follows... We are 9 siblings out of which 6 are girls and 3 boys. I am unmarried. Whereas 3 of my sisters 1 elder and 2 younger are married. I'm the second eldest daughter to my parents. The issue is that since I was at the age of 14 years my father had financial constraints so one of his PA helped him financially. Later on, that PA started following men proposed men even tried to attack me physically he is a non-muslim. When I told my parents about this they said they are indebted and they are helpless to take care and provide me security from that particular PA.. I somehow got help from my friends and stopped that PA from further abusing me. Since that day my father always inflicts me with taunts he even scolds and passes weird comments while I'm eating. He says it's his home and asks me to leave the home and be responsible towards my own life. He abuses me saying that I'm a dog fallen in his feet for food, clothing and shelter. Likewise for some or the other reason he used to pass on such comments to my other siblings too. Out of frustration, two sisters got married just to feel and be safe at least in their husbands home but they are not happy even there too, and one of my sister after such abusing comments she married according to her will and wish and my parents have severed all relations with her. Today I m at the age of 37 still that PA is invited to home just to make me feel uncomfortable. Whenever I ask my parents he is a non-muslim why do you respect and care for him so much why don't you understand what all he did with me, for this my parents reply to me that he has given them money. They also tell me you also earn and give us money we will make him stop entering our home. Till date, they abuse and harass me for not earning, for simply sitting and eating at home and also for being a burden on them. I don't know what to do? If any of my relatives try to make them understand things they cut all kind of relationship with them. Please help me with this kind of treatment by my parents. I tried committing suicide thrice but that didn't help nor did it make any difference in my parent's attitude. Nor my parents have ever tried to find any alliances for me. Nowadays at least they just don't talk to me. They are always behind me telling to walk out of the house and earn and stay wherever and however I want. They, however, do pray and recite Quran but what to do with this kind of treatment. Every sibling of mine after being harass they always feel that staying in this house with parents is not their will and wish. They always discuss that they want to be far away and being independent. Please help me. How to overcome all this and what do I do?its been years my parents still ate the same. Tolerating them nowadays is very hard and harsh. I'm still feeling helpless and suicidal tendencies is still lurking in my mind. Please save me. Allah hafeez



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. I am truly sorry to hear of all you have been going through with your parents, especially your father. Parents are supposed to be protectors. As Muslims, we are to be protectors of one another against abuses, harassment and other harmful acts in life. The fact that some of your younger siblings got married to escape this abusive behavior speaks volumes. It is not your fault sister so please realize that this is their parenting style (as bad as it may be) and like your siblings, it would be advisable to try to change your living situation insha’Allah so you can have some peace and begin to heal.

 

I would kindly recommend insha’Allah that you try to resolve the issues with your parents but it seems it has been tried before to no avail.  Additionally, as this PA continues to be allowed in the home after he has made inappropriate advances to you and even attacked you is deplorable.  Your parents say he gave them money and they must let him continue to come in the home.  This makes no sense.

 

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Perhaps the PA has such influence over them that they are not thinking clearly and have not been for a very long time.  At any rate, there is no way he should be left in the home after what he did to you and your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being must be protected.  You stated that your parents pray and recite Qur’an.  This is all well and fine and as Muslims, it is the minimum we should do. However, if they are not applying Islamic foundations and ways of living to their lives, I am not sure if they fully understand the implications of what they have done and are doing to their children, specifically you right now.

 

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you look into the possibility of living with other relatives or friends.  If this is not possible please do insha’Allah network at the Masjid to see if there are any rooms available in exchange for helping with children, housework etc.  As you are 37 is seems as if you have put your life on hold to help your parents although I am not sure why as there is that terrible PA there.  I would kindly suggest that you write down a list of your interests and abilities pertaining to work and a career.

 

If there is a career center or employment agency where you live link up with these organizations for direction and help in getting a job, taking classes and/or upgrading skills.  By trying to work and get your life together as an independent woman, it will insha’Allah make you feel much better.  Just getting out of the house on a daily basis will give you a sense of accomplishment and purpose.  It will also serve to provide you with opportunities to be self-sufficient.

 

You stated that you have tried to commit suicide a few times and are still contemplating it.  Sister, you do know it is a sin, yes? I truly understand your reasons-you are in pain and you feel there is no way out.  But there is.  Allah swt loves you and so do many people. In the midst of our loneliness and pain, it is often to easy to get lost in depression.  I highly recommend that you seek out the counseling of a therapist near you.  This will insha’Allah provide you with a “start” in resolving your issues with your parents (from your therapists referrals and other connections), addressing and resolving your depression as well as giving you an opportunity to begin your healing journey and start your life anew.

 

Please do insha’Allah write out a contract stating you will not harm yourself nor attempt suicide.  Write in the contract, the person’s name whom you are close to and promise to contact that person if you are feeling suicidal.  Please do call the suicide hotline as well (1) at 1-800-273-8255.  If this is not for your country, please do look up the phone number.  It is a great resource sister.

 

Reach out to the sisters at your Masjid.  Go out and socialize.  Have lunch, join an Islamic group, go for coffee/tea with your sisters as well as be open to trying new things that you may have been interested in but have put off such as studying a topic, taking up a hobby, etc.  Most important sister, realize you do have choices, you can facilitate change in your life so that you will be able to live a happy life, serving Allah.

 

Draw closer to Allah by making duaa for your situation, reading and reciting Qur’an as well as doing dhkir.  Dhkir also has a relaxing affect on ones heart and mind-in the rembrance of Allah hearst do find rest.  Trust Allah with all of your affairs and know that insha’Allah your blessings will come  Just take the first step towards change.  You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

 

1-https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/